Halloween tips

If you've checked your calendar recently, you've probably noticed a weird occurrence that's scheduled to take place today, October 31. This odd event is called "Halloween." Now most Americans aren't aware of this holiday, but there was a time in our nation's history when people actually cared about Halloween.

How can I find out how to celebrate this "Halloween" without coming off as a clueless buffoon, you may ask? Not to worry, I have a few little tips for you right here:

1) Remember the tradition
Halloween started as a pagan ritual in which people dressed up in the scariest outfits possible and danced around a fire in an attempt to frighten evil spirits. This is NOT the tradition that you should remember, however.

Halloween today is just like any other holiday: the goal is to get drunk and get laid. What makes Halloween different from other get drunk/get laid holidays (St. Patrick's Day, New Year's Day, Martin Luther King Day, etc) is that one part of the original tradition is retained: the costume. However, do NOT dress up in a scary costume whatever you do. It makes you look like too much of a traditionalist and also tends to freak people out, which may make them choose not to engage in drunken sexual relations with you.

2) Stick to the unofficial costume code
If you are a single woman, your options are the following: slutty nurse, slutty cat, slutty rabbit, slutty devil, slutty witch, or prostitute. If you are not comfortable with any of those, you must dress up as a nun (which most people probably already think will be your future career).

If you are a single man, you must dress up in whatever costume gives you the best chance of getting laid. Creativity and uniqueness generally make you stand out from the crowd. Group costumes also attract attention, especially ones that women will consider cute. Dressing up as the cast of "Happy Feet" (penguins) might be a good choice. The drawback to a group costume, however, is that you must fight off your similarly-dressed "bros" for women that fall into your clever trap.


If you are a married couple, you have to dress up as two things that go together, such as salt and pepper shakers, a plug and an outlet, or a prisoner and a warden (the last one may hit a little too close to home for some of you). NO EXCEPTIONS.

3) Don't dress up as anything related to a tragic event unless it's been long enough that it's funny
If you dress up as Alexander Hamilton with a bullet wound or a deformed Chernobyl victim, people may consider it rather humorous. The first of those two examples happened over 40 years ago (the general cutoff) and the second happened over 20 years ago (the cutoff if it happened in a different country). A tandem costume of Catherine the Great and a horse would be a particularly big hit if you could pull it off. However, if you dress up as Steve Irwin with a stingray attached to your chest, that is NOT FUNNY! It is WAY too soon for that, you insensitive prick!

4) Three words: "Where's your costume?"
This is a hilarious joke that never gets old. You can always be sure to get a lot of laughs by making this comment or something along the same line when the person really is wearing a rather scary or disgusting costume. Is your boss's wife dressed up like Frankenstein? Is your friend's mother wearing an impressive Linda Tripp outfit? If so, then insinuating that this person does not look any different than normal is a guaranteed knee-slapper.












You: "Where are your costumes?"

What if someone is extremely sensitive and gets offended, you ask? Easy. Just say, "Come on, don't be such a Hallo-weenie." Everyone dreads being called this, so on October 31 it is an easy out that can serve as an escape ladder after any inappropriate comment.

Word on the street #3: Unattractive people

Sometimes you see someone who is just straight up uuuuuuggggly. Later on, you may try to describe to a friend that person's appearance, saying something like, "Dude, I'm telling you, this person I saw was ugly." People are curious by nature, however, and as such, your friend may wonder exactly how ugly this person was, and in what way. Are we talking Frankenstein or Linda Tripp? In this case, you may be at a loss for words. As usual, I am here to the rescue with a guide to the different ways you can describe a person's physical unattractiveness, listed from most offensive to least.


10) Tore up from the floor up
This is the worst, because it eliminates the possibility that any part of the person is attractive or even acceptable, including their ankles, elbows, and ears.

9) Weather-beaten
Ever seen a picture of someone who's just survived a major hurricane or tsunami? They don't exactly look like models at a fashion show, that's for sure.

8) Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down
Means the person was born ugly and then it was all downhill from there. Combines the worst of both worlds: bad genes and a bad environment.

7) Jacked up
Implies that it's just wrong that any person is that ugly, a slap on the face of God himself. Similar in offensiveness to "train wreck."

6) Broke down
Not good for a car, even worse for a person. Conjures up the image of a ratty rusted-out 1968 VW Beetle sitting in some dirty hippie's front yard.

5) Wrecked/Busted/Beat
These all fall into the category of something that's not working properly or has been damaged. Not the most flattering way to describe a person.

4) Haggard
A bad one, but you can often deftly play it off by saying, "Oh, I meant to say she looks like Mariska Hargitay...from Law & Order: SVU." You know, because "Hargitay" sounds like "haggard-y."

3) Penny piece
Just like a "dime piece" refers to a girl who gets a perfect 10 out of 10, a "penny piece" refers to one who gets a totally imperfect 1 out of 10. Would be more offensive if more people knew what it meant.

2) Struggling
This one depends on how you say it. If you drag out the "u," as in "Damn, she's struuuuuuuugglin'!" it might move up the list a few spots.

1) Great personality
The most polite way to avoid calling someone "ugly" is to complement some other aspect of that person, usually their personality. If you need to describe someone and the only adjectives you can think of are the ones listed above, the "great personality" route is an old standby that always does the trick. Please note that it does not matter if this person's personality is really that great, you just want to take the focus off his/her looks.