New Olympic sports

You've probably heard the disappointing news that baseball and softball will not be included in the 2012 London Olympic Games. I mean, why should they? The two sports are only popular in a tiny corner of the world that includes the U.S., Venezuela, South Korea, Australia, Japan, and Cuba (among others). It's not like they have anywhere near the fan base of real Olympic sports like fencing, dressage, or trampoline-jumping.

The question remains: what sport(s) should we add to the Olympic schedule to replace these deletions?

Wonder no more. Here are my top five candidates for new Olympic sports that athletes from all over the world can enjoy:


5) Greased watermelon
Water polo is for sissies. Real athletes would much rather use something that weighs 20 lbs, is more slippery than a banana peel on a wet hockey rink, and always carries the risk of exploding if it hits your head. I'm talking of course about the great game known as "greased watermelon." The fact that this is not already in the Olympics is a preposterous travesty that must be corrected immediately.

4) Beer mile

The #1 complaint about Olympic track events is that they're very poor tests of an athlete's drinking ability. Problem solved! The other great thing about the beer mile is that it allows the U.S. to have a chance to finally beat the Jamaicans in a running event. I mean it's not the weed mile!

3) Bog snorkelling
What Michael Phelps did in Beijing is nothing compared to the daily struggles of the brave men and women who crawl through sludge, dodging salamanders, old tires, rusted beer cans, and mosquito larvae for 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. That's right, I'm talking about the world's elite bog snorkellers. It's about time we recognize these real athletes on the global stage.

2) Fantasy Olympics

No country had a more heartbreaking showing in Beijing than Greece, who despite having invented the Olympics ended up with a grand total of zero gold medals. But hey, if you don't have enough athletic talent to actually win a gold medal, maybe you can be the best at picking who does win. That's where Fantasy Olympics come in. Similarly to Fantasy Baseball/Football, each country picks a team of various Olympic teams (the Chinese women's gymnastic team, the Kyrgyzstani men's trampoline team, the Finnish men's bog snorkeling team, etc). Whoever picks the most medallists wins. Even poor, pitifully unathletic Greece has a chance at this one!

1) Octopus wrestling

Because Greco-Roman wrestling is a little too much sweaty man-on-man action for most people to stomach. Sweaty man-on-octopus action is much better!

Belgians waffle on beer buyout

Anheuser-Busch? Why it's fine, thank you, I just trimmed it yesterday! How's yours? (Relax, I'm talking about shrubbery, sicko.)

First it was going to happen, then it wasn't, now it looks like it's happening for real. If you haven't heard yet, Anheuser-Busch is selling out to Belgian beer conglomerate InBev. People who pretend to like beer (but secretly prefer fruity wine coolers) all over America are upset that their favorite "beer" is no longer USA-owned and operated. In case you don't know, Anheuser-Busch is the company that produces a variety of popular beverages, including a rice drink called "Budweiser," a bottled water called "Bud Light," and a fermented horse urine drink called "Natural (Natty) Ice."

Taking the high road with my jokes once again:

The fact is that people in other countries (particularly the British) think that American beer sucks. The other fact is that it DOES suck, that is at least the beer produced by the "big three" (Bud, Miller, and Coors, who all now conveniently happen to be foreign-owned). To make matters worse, the British have also been occasionally known to refer to Americans as "Merkins," a term which is also used to refer to...um...this.

The British LOVE to make the following hilarious joke:
Q: How is American beer like sex in a canoe?
A: It's f***ing close to water!!!

Ok, I'll wait 10 minutes for you to stop laughing hysterically...
...
...
Seriously, did you expect better from people who think "blimey" is a normal word?

Well it's time to prove the naysayers wrong and stand up for our great nation and its many righteous brews. For those of you who think Budweiser was a symbol of America and feel that our national pride has been wounded by this buyout, here is my advice to you: shut up. It's time to leave "Buttweiser" (zing!) to the waffle boys in Europe and crown a new American king of beers. Let's show them our nation isn't about cheap, watery rice drinks, we're about strong, thick, and flavorful beers with enough alcohol to tranquilize a hippo. I suggest we crown Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA or Three Floyds Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout as the new king.

And while we're talking about beer, was "Beerfest" a cinematic masterpiece or what? Most ridiculous Academy Awards snub since "Dumb and Dumber" got shut out in 1994.