Name game #1: Joe

Well, I'm back. Hopefully you didn't jump off a bridge thinking this award-winning blog had gone the way of the dinosaurs and John McCain's presidential hopes (sorry - too soon?). Ends up I've just been bogged down with the usual stuff: work, anti-Large Hadron Collider protests, several-day peyote and/or acid trips in the Mojave desert, and trying to revive my baseball career by playing in the local "senior" league.

Now I'm back and bloggin' once again. So what's been going on in the world for the past week or so? The economy totally tanked and we're heading for a second Great Depression. Whatever. I've got my money safely tied up in AAA-rated Collateralized Debt Obligations (CDOs), as should any smart investor. People have also been talking about a lot of Joes recently - Joe Biden, Joe Sixpack, Joe the plumber. Who are these mysterious yet intriguing characters?

This brings me to a new segment I'd like to call "Name game." In each installment of this segment, I'll list the top ten people with a certain name and describe why each should be either loved or hated. Here we go with Name game #1: Joe:

10) Joe the plumber

The best friend of Senator John McCain and arch-nemesis of Senator Barack Obama, Joe the plumber is a rich-ass pipe-fixer who brings in over $250,000 a year. Obama contends that because Joe is wealthy, he could afford to pay a little more in taxes. McCain, on the other hand, believes that because plumbers have to deal with unclogging toilets all day, they deserve a tax break no matter how rich they might be. We must say NO to the plumber tax breaks! If we allow this to happen, pretty soon we will have "Bill Gates the plumber," "Warren Buffett the plumber," and probably even "John and Cindy McCain the plumbers." Everyone will become plumbers just to avoid paying taxes, leaving nobody to do the rest of the work that society needs done. Hey, at least we won't have to deal with clogged-up crappers ever again!

9) Joe from the saying "Say it ain't so, Joe"

Nobody likes a naysayer. Besides, there's no denying the fact that "it" definitely IS so. This saying originally referred to Shoeless Joe Jackson of Black Sox Scandal fame, but can refer to any Joe who is considered to be "rain on a parade" or "ants at a picnic." From now on I propose that we refer to such Joes as "Debbie Downer" or just "Debbie."

8) Joe, North Carolina

A couple miles south of the bustling metropolis of Hot Springs lies shitty little Joe, NC. If you Google Map it and zoom in further, you will see that Joe is nothing more than a random location in the middle of the woods. The only other town nearby (a few miles east) is named Stackhouse, after obnoxious UNC basketball star Jerry Stackhouse. For these reasons, Joe, NC wins the official title of "Worst place to live in the universe," narrowly beating out the surface of the sun and just inside the event horizon of a supermassive black hole.

7) Joe Biden

Listen, I already covered this guy in this post. He's old and he's from Delaware. Yawn.

6) "Joe Millionaire"

This show was based on the age-old trick of pretending you're rich to get a woman into bed (much like N.W.A.'s classic hit "I Ain't Tha 1"). "Joe" a.k.a. Evan Marriott, the star of the show, pretended he had inherited a huge fortune, but was really just a run-of-the-mill construction worker. Hey, Joe the plumber should try that trick! Oh wait, he already is rich.

5) "Joe Versus the Volcano"

Tom Hanks' greatest performance of all time. The part where they jumped into the volcano and were blown out by a sudden gust of wind was priceless! Damn it, I just ruined the movie for you. Sorry.

4) Joe Camel

Because sometimes you just need a cigarette, and this lovable cartoon icon reminds our kids of that indisputable fact.

3) Joe Sixpack

Everyone (not just Sarah Palin) loves the town drunk. He can always be counted on to tell us entertaining war stories and conspiracy theories at any hour of the day, any day of the week. Just head to your local bar and he'll be the old, dirty guy who hasn't shaven in a month with an impressive number of pint glasses and beer bottles haphazardly scattered around him.

2) Joe (coffee)

Without this miraculous liquid, we would live in a world where nobody did anything productive until after noon (similar to the world that is currently called "college").

1) Joe Mama

An endless source of hilarity, "joe mama" jokes are perfect for any occasion: the playground, the bus ride home from middle school, weddings, funerals, kickball games, presidential debates, labor strikes, you name it. If you're going to insult someone, hit 'em where it hurts!

Battle of the VP candidates (a.k.a. a new low)

The truth about America is that the President doesn't really do anything. It's the Vice President that really matters. Look at the current administration. George W. Bush just hangs out at his ranch in Crawford, Texas and tries to make up words by switching letters around and adding suffixes, saying things like, "'mer'ca needs to stop the nucularification of Iran." Dick Cheney, on the other hand, takes care of all the important executive business, such as crafting evil schemes and shooting people in the face.

So Obama and McCain are duking it out for President. Whoop dee doo! Let's talk about what really matters: who we should pick for VP. To make the choice easier, I'm going to break down the pros and cons of the two candidates for you. Best of 10 wins!

Just to warn you, I intentionally tried to make the jokes in this post as stupid as possible, and since my jokes are already pretty stupid when I don't even intend them to be, what you're about to read will make Pauly Shore's "In the Army Now" look like a genius comedic masterpiece. Here we go...

Palin really came out of nowhere. Who is she? I have a feeling we might be "Sarah" (sorry) if we pick someone who has no clue how things go down in DC. Biden 1, Palin 0.

Biden is 65 years old. He's borderline senile! Old people are scientifically proven to be extremely boring. All they ever do is play bingo and tell long-winded war stories to anyone who will pretend to listen. Just looking at the guy makes me need a cup of "Joe." Biden 1, Palin 1.

Sarah Palin has so little experience relative to Joe Biden. In that respect, she's really "Palin" in comparison. Biden 2, Palin 1.

On the other hand, Sarah will bring youth to the vice presidency, unlike Joe, who's been "Biden" his time for 65 years. Biden 2, Palin 2.

Track and Trig are activities Biden did in high school, not ridiculous names he gave his sons. Biden 3, Palin 2.

Palin is straight out of Juneau. Her daughter is straight out of "Juno." Biden 4, Palin 2.

Biden is straight out of Dover. That hits a little too close to home. What, you don't get it? You're not a Washington insider? I am. No big deal. What I'm referring to is Operation Dover, the Democrats' strategy in 2000 and 2004. "Dover" is short for "BenDOVER and take it up the tailpipe from the Republicans." I don't think the 'crats want to repeat that one in 2008. Biden 4, Palin 3.

Delaware? More like Dela-where the hell is that? Is that even a state? Her state is about 300 times as big - Alaskans eat pieces of shit like that for breakfast. Biden 4, Palin 4.

Alaskans eat pieces of shit for breakfast? Do we really want someone like that in the White House? Biden 5, Palin 4.

Last but not least, the "would you hit it?" test. No contest, right Regis? I think we're going to have to go with the former Miss Wasilla and potential future VPILF on this one. Biden 5, Palin 5.


Well look at that...it's a tie. I'll bet you never saw that coming. I guess that means it's up to you to decide who your next Vice President will be. This country is unfortunately not a Buffalocracy - all 300 million of you get a vote, not just the wise, all-knowing sage who writes "Buffalo This." Make sure to pick someone though instead of just writing in "Mickey Mouse" again. Seriously, that's getting old. Stop it.

And there you have it - the most moronic commentary you're going to read this entire election season, narrowly beating Ann Coulter's previous record and setting new highs for stupidity, triteness, and corniness.  I sincerely apologize for shaving 10 points off your IQ.