Word on the street #1: Your wife

I would now like to introduce a new series of posts called "word on the street." These are meant to be a guide for which slang word or phrase to use at what time depending on your desired offensiveness level. Just like the Eskimos have 20 or so words for snow, Americans have dozens of words for "prostitute" or "police officer," to name a few. You should generally read these from the bottom up, because let's face it: if it's not offensive, it's just not that interesting.

As you probably know, the world's foremost master of the English language is...wait, who was it again...it seems to have slipped my mind...ah yes...me. To avoid selling myself short, however, I should also inform you that I am a master of every other language that exists or ever existed on Earth. In fact, I have invented or improved linguistic masterpiece sentences in Italian ("Nelly è negli anelli pelle pelle di Pelé."), French - I mean Freedom ("Vous allez aller à l'école."), and ancient Chinese (Lion-eating poet in the stone den). My contribution to the last one was adding the modern Mandarin slang word "shĭ," which roughly translates as "shit," changing the subject of the sentence to "Shit-eating poet in the stone den."

But back to English, the only language that really matters (according to me - and Geno's Steaks). Here are 10 ways to refer to your wife, from the one that is most likely to get you into the doghouse to the one that's most likely to get your "dog" into the "house," if you know what I mean (ok, that's a bit of a stretch (That's what she said!)).

10) Hitler
Likening your wife to arguably the most evil human being ever to walk the earth? Probably not the best idea if you're hoping to get laid again this century.

9) Just some girl I know

As in the following:

Hot girl at bar: "Who was that calling?"

You: "Oh, just some girl I know. Don't worry about it."

Women hate when you minimize the relationship. If you tell her you are less than 100.000000% sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and write letters to your parents every day about how she's the greatest thing that every happened to you, expect a hysterical fit to follow.

8) The boss

If there's one thing women love, it's controlling every aspect of your life while keeping up the facade that they are the "cool" wife or girlfriend that lets you do whatever you want. Calling her "the boss" exposes this facade for what it is.

7) The old lady

Women do not appreciate being called "old" in any circumstances. You might be better off referring to her as "that young, hot 19-year-old girl," but then again you might also get smacked if she doesn't realize you're talking about her. Just avoid any age-related references if you can help it.

6) The old B&C

Again you're calling her old, and women are also very offended when you refer to them by acronyms or abbreviations. Just don't, m'kay?

5) The ball and chain

This can be offensive for the same reason as "the boss," but "ball and chain" can lighten the mood because it is a clever metaphor and also because it might bring to mind images of kinky outfits and bondage games.

4) My biznitch

While "bitch" is considered offensive to some people when used in reference to a woman, when you throw the "izn" in the middle of it, people aren't offended, they just think you are an idiot.

3) Wifey

This is obviously a ripoff from a Next song, and not even the funny one about popping a boner on the dance floor. Your wife might consider it mildly cute, but your buddies will just think you're corny and unoriginal.

2) My better half

Cheesier than the offerings at a Wisconsin farmer's market. Why don't you just take over as lead singer for Lonestar while you're at it?

1) The love of my life

Did it hurt having your testicles removed?

Respect for the cheese hogs

It is extremely important in this day and age to always make sure to use the correct term when describing a type of human being. For example, if you see a guy in a wheelchair, the correct term to refer to that person is "alternatively advantaged," not "crippled," "handicapped," or "old gimpy-legged Pete over there." This term refers to the fact that while this guy may not be able to keep up with you in a 100 meter sprint, he would probably whoop your sorry able-bodied ass in a "don't move your legs" contest. Similarly, you should never call a white person "cracker," "honkey," "person of the pasty persuasion," or "melanin-challenged," and you should never, ever, under any circumstances, refer to a French - I mean Freedom - person as a "cheese-eating surrender monkey."

That brings me to our next topic: fat people. There are sure are a lot of them these days - what's the deal with that? Oh sorry, my publicist is telling me "fat person" is politically incorrect. What is the correct term? Lardass? No. No stranger to the biscuit tin? Eh...not quite. Cheese hog? Ok, that sounds about right. Cheese hog it is.

But do cheese hogs really deserve all the negative press they get in this country? Maybe all those people out there that are adding more pounds than a British accountant are onto something.

This is how a typical morbidly obese person looks at the world (from best to worst):

1) The rest of the universe (4 x 10^55 lbs or something like that)

2) Me (524 lbs)

3) That skinny little prick over there (147 lbs)
4) Midgets (pretty damn small and terrible at basketball)

So to these people, bigger is better. Here is where one of the disaster scenarios from the Large Hadron Collider can teach us a valuable lesson. What do black holes do? They accrete matter. Are they successful? Hell yes they are - there are a metric shitload of them in the universe and there is absolutely nothing known to man that can stop the bastards or even slow them down. That's a pretty good track record if you ask me. The fact of the "matter" (notice the clever pun) is that all matter in the universe is broken down into two groups: 1) matter that is a part of you, and 2) matter that is a part of everything else. The main point of life is to commandeer as much of the matter out there as possible and make it a part of yourself. The more of that you can do, the further ahead you are in the game, and of course the best way to do that is to get really, really fat.

Now wait a minute, you say, couldn't you work out like crazy and gain the same amount of weight in muscle? The answer is no, moron, you can't. First of all, there are limits on how much muscle you can pack on, and second of all, the very act of working out to increase your muscle mass burns calories, which is the exact opposite of what you're trying to do!

Instead, your best bet is to sit on the couch watching reruns of shows featuring Rosie O'Donnell (for inspiration) while shoveling Doritos from either the a) the bag or b) your chest, directly into your mouth. But picking up the chips still burns calories, so better yet, you could build a robot that moves the chips to your mouth for you, or even better, you could have someone else build a robot that does that and also brings the bags of chips and bottles of Shiner Bock from the cupboard/fridge to you so you don't have to get up. And while you're at it, get yourself a voice activated remote - pushing those buttons gets tiring!

So from now on I propose we refer to fat people by the honorable title of "extremely adept matter accreters"...or if you must, "cheese hogs" is fine too.