They can take our lives, but they can never take our "freedom!"

I'm not a political man. Exhibit A: Do you currently see me running for President of the United States? No, you do not (contrary to popular belief, I am not Bob Barr). Case in point. However, I do know a couple things about politics, like the fact that we're involved in a controversial war with France right now. Speaking of which, as a true American citizen I feel that it is my duty to weigh in on one major current issue: whether or not we should refer to French fries as "freedom fries." My opinion on this matter is that we should not only replace the "French" in "French fries," but also replace "French" in any other context as well, with "freedom."

You see, rejecting all things French is a great American tradition dating back to the 1700's when the city of "Beau Fleuve" ("beautiful river") in western New York was renamed "Buffalo." The significance of this event cannot be understated. Had this not occurred, neither the city nor the hot wings sauce would be called "buffalo," and consequently the buffalo phenomenon would not be nearly as fascinating as it is. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it would be no more fascinating than the sentence "Police police police police police police police."

Now that we are at war, continuing this tradition is of unquestionable importance. That's why I eat freedom toast with freedom fries and a side of freedom onion soup. This should expand to all phrases and expressions in the English language. Freedom kiss your significant other. Play the freedom horn in the marching band. Admire the basketball skills of Larry Bird, the "hick from Freedom Lick." Come on people, we can do this! Let's stick it to those dirty fucking Freedom-men! (Pardon my freedom.)

Oh, one more thing: you have to admit that George Michael's song "Freedom! '90" would never have been the timeless musical masterpiece that it is if it hadn't been censored due to the war. Watch the video (click link above) and imagine what it would sound like if "French" were substituted for every "freedom" as the artist had originally intended. Mr. Michael, you are a true patriot.

So from now on, I urge you to avoid using the F-word in all cases (the 6-letter F-word I mean; the 4-letter one is fine, especially in reference to the Fr**ch). Keep fighting the good fight and I guarantee you we will prevail. I mean it's not like the French have ever WON a war!