Monday, July 14, 2008

Belgians waffle on beer buyout

Anheuser-Busch? Why it's fine, thank you, I just trimmed it yesterday! How's yours? (Relax, I'm talking about shrubbery, sicko.)

First it was going to happen, then it wasn't, now it looks like it's happening for real. If you haven't heard yet, Anheuser-Busch is selling out to Belgian beer conglomerate InBev. People who pretend to like beer (but secretly prefer fruity wine coolers) all over America are upset that their favorite "beer" is no longer USA-owned and operated. In case you don't know, Anheuser-Busch is the company that produces a variety of popular beverages, including a rice drink called "Budweiser," a bottled water called "Bud Light," and a fermented horse urine drink called "Natural (Natty) Ice."

Taking the high road with my jokes once again:
Buttweiser logoThe fact is that people in other countries (particularly the British) think that American beer sucks. The other fact is that it DOES suck, that is at least the beer produced by the "big three" (Bud, Miller, and Coors, who all now conveniently happen to be foreign-owned). To make matters worse, the British have also been occasionally known to refer to Americans as "Merkins," a term which is also used to refer to...um...this.

The British LOVE to make the following hilarious joke:
Q: How is American beer like sex in a canoe?
A: It's f***ing close to water!!!

Ok, I'll wait 10 minutes for you to stop laughing hysterically...
...
...
Seriously, did you expect better from people who think "blimey" is a normal word?

Three Floyds Dark Lord logo Well it's time to prove the naysayers wrong and stand up for our great nation and its many righteous brews. For those of you who think Budweiser was a symbol of America and feel that our national pride has been wounded by this buyout, here is my advice to you: shut up. It's time to leave "Buttweiser" (zing!) to the waffle boys in Europe and crown a new American king of beers. Let's show them our nation isn't about cheap, watery rice drinks, we're about strong, thick, and flavorful beers with enough alcohol to tranquilize a hippo. I suggest we crown Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA or Three Floyds Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout as the new king.

Beerfest movie poster And while we're talking about beer, was "Beerfest" a cinematic masterpiece or what? Most ridiculous Academy Awards snub since "Dumb and Dumber" got shut out in 1994.

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