Wednesday, July 9, 2008

More buffalo than you can handle

Buffalo (bison)Buffalo wingsDowntown Buffalo
Ok, now that that's out of my system and I've come to grips with my newfound status on the A-list, the time has come to discuss an important issue: buffalo. Fifteen of them to be precise.

Buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo. And do they ever.

For those who are not aware that this is a grammatically correct sentence, allow me to enlighten you. The word "buffalo" is a magical one that has four meanings:
1) (noun) A large, hairy bovine mammal.
2) (noun) A city in western New York state.
3) (noun) A type of hot wing sauce (or (adj) anything covered in this sauce).
4) (verb) To bully or intimidate.

The order of these words in the sentence above is as follows: 3 2 1 3 2 1 4 4 3 2 1 3 2 1 4. If you still don't get it, let's replace (1) with "bison," (2) with "Rochester," (3) with "saucy," and (4) with "bully." Let's also throw in the optional word "that" a few times. Then the sentence becomes:
Saucy Rochester bison that saucy Rochester bison bully (in turn) bully (other) saucy Rochester bison that saucy Rochester bison bully.

So now it should make sense. If it still doesn't, I recommend that you go back and repeat the second grade, and while you're at it, go ahead and make a movie about it because "Billy Madison" was hilarious and could really use a sequel.

The reason the "buffalo phenomenon" is near and dear to my heart is because a friend and I were the ones who added the hot wing sauce and the fourth "buffalo Buffalo buffalo" clause to it, expanding the total number of words in the sentence from 8 to 15 (notice Wikipedia still only recognizes 8 however). This is the reason that if I am struck down tomorrow by a meteor or tsunami or the like, I can die satisfied that I have made a great contribution to science that might even earn me a posthumous Nobel prize.

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "Wait a minute. That could never happen." Once again, you would be terribly mistaken. You only need to find 8 buffalo (2 for each of the 4 "buffalo Buffalo buffalo" clauses to make each one plural), transport them to Buffalo, cover them all in hot wing sauce, then manipulate two groups of two to buffalo the other two respective groups of two, and later manipulate one of the two groups that were originally buffaloed to buffalo the other previously buffaloed group. It's that simple!

In case you still have questions, here are some FAQ and my answers:
Q: "Don't you need punctuation or the word 'that' somewhere in there?"
A: "No. Who's the expert here - me or you? That's what I thought."

Q: "There never were any buffalo in Buffalo. They are actually called 'bison.'"
A: "If you would be so kind, please fuck off. They're called 'buffalo,' you gigantic nerd. This is America - if you don't like it then you can get the hell out!"

Q: "Couldn't you add more buffaloes and still have a grammatically correct sentence?"
A: "Technically yes, but then it would be a run-on sentence and would just start to sound silly. Try going around saying 'buffalo' more than 15 times in a row and see if they don't throw you in the loony bin."

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