Saturday, July 26, 2008

Respect for the cheese hogs

Hog Cheese

It is extremely important in this day and age to always make sure to use the correct term when describing a type of human being. For example, if you see a guy in a wheelchair, the correct term to refer to that person is "alternatively advantaged," not "crippled," "handicapped," or "old gimpy-legged Pete over there." This term refers to the fact that while this guy may not be able to keep up with you in a 100 meter sprint, he would probably whoop your sorry able-bodied ass in a "don't move your legs" contest. Similarly, you should never call a white person "cracker," "honkey," "person of the pasty persuasion," or "melanin-challenged," and you should never, ever, under any circumstances, refer to a French - I mean Freedom - person as a "cheese-eating surrender monkey."

That brings me to our next topic: fat people. There are sure are a lot of them these days - what's the deal with that? Oh sorry, my publicist is telling me "fat person" is politically incorrect. What is the correct term? Lardass? No. No stranger to the biscuit tin? Eh...not quite. Cheese hog? Ok, that sounds about right. Cheese hog it is.

But do cheese hogs really deserve all the negative press they get in this country? Maybe all those people out there that are adding more pounds than a British accountant are onto something.

This is how a typical morbidly obese person looks at the world (from best to worst):
1) The rest of the universe (4 x 10^55 lbs or something like that)
2) Me (524 lbs)
3) That skinny little prick over there (147 lbs)
4) Midgets (pretty damn small and terrible at basketball)

Midget basketball
So to these people, bigger is better. Here is where one of the disaster scenarios from the Large Hadron Collider can teach us a valuable lesson. What do black holes do? They accrete matter. Are they successful? Hell yes they are - there are a metric shitload of them in the universe and there is absolutely nothing known to man that can stop the bastards or even slow them down. That's a pretty good track record if you ask me. The fact of the "matter" (notice the clever pun) is that all matter in the universe is broken down into two groups: 1) matter that is a part of you, and 2) matter that is a part of everything else. The main point of life is to commandeer as much of the matter out there as possible and make it a part of yourself. The more of that you can do, the further ahead you are in the game, and of course the best way to do that is to get really, really fat.

Now wait a minute, you say, couldn't you work out like crazy and gain the same amount of weight in muscle? The answer is no, moron, you can't. First of all, there are limits on how much muscle you can pack on, and second of all, the very act of working out to increase your muscle mass burns calories, which is the exact opposite of what you're trying to do!

Instead, your best bet is to sit on the couch watching reruns of shows featuring Rosie O'Donnell (for inspiration) while shoveling Doritos from either the a) the bag or b) your chest, directly into your mouth. But picking up the chips still burns calories, so better yet, you could build a robot that moves the chips to your mouth for you, or even better, you could have someone else build a robot that does that and also brings the bags of chips and bottles of Shiner Bock from the cupboard/fridge to you so you don't have to get up. And while you're at it, get yourself a voice activated remote - pushing those buttons gets tiring!

Rosie O'DonnellSo from now on I propose we refer to fat people by the honorable title of "extremely adept matter accreters"...or if you must, "cheese hogs" is fine too.

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