Monday, July 14, 2008

A journey into the mind of the Buffalo Master

There are some tough jobs out there. Human shield, celebrity blogger, professional Russian roulette player, buffalo buffaloer, and so on. But there is one man above all who works his ass off day in and day out to protect the integrity of a sacred piece of scripture, receiving little recognition or thanks for his toils. As you've probably guessed, that man is the Buffalo Master.

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 500 years and do not know who the Buffalo Master is, I will provide you with a short bio. Ever since the discovery of the sentence "Buffalo buffalo buffalo." in 1503 A.D. (as in buffalo (the animal) buffalo (the verb) buffalo (the animal)), a document outlining the wonders of the buffalo phenomenon has been stored in a safe place to protect it from the many people who wish to vandalize, corrupt, or destroy it. For many centuries that place was the deepest, darkest dungeon of a castle with stone walls 200 feet high and 50 feet thick, surrounded by a moat of hungry alligators and sharks. Anyone who made it into the castle would be greeted with a pit of poisonous snakes and a series of traps that were inspired by the movie "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade." In 2005, the sacred text was relocated from the depths of the castle dungeon to this Wikipedia page. Through the centuries, one man has been entrusted with the great responsibility of guarding this text. That man is the Buffalo Master.

Artist's rendering of Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Castle:Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Castle
Additional "buffaloes" have been added to the sentence from time to time, but for the last 53 years, the sentence has stood at 8 "buffaloes." The current Buffalo Master strongly opposes the addition of any more words to the sentence, which many believe is a result of this one time when he considered adding a ninth "buffalo" (the hot wings sauce) at the suggestion of a guy named Lenny O'Connor from Cincinnati. The Buffalo Master contemplated this proposition long and hard, and was about to make the necessary amendment until he discovered at the last minute that Mr. O'Connor's intentions were not pure and the only reason he wanted to add the extra "buffalo" was to promote a new wings appetizer at the local Applebee's restaurant where he worked as an assistant manager. The Buffalo Master was greatly troubled by this incident and subsequently officially declared, "The hot wings sauce shall not be considered a valid use of the word 'buffalo.'"

Ok, I think that's enough background - now onto the story of the current Buffalo Master...
The current Buffalo Master (who shall remain nameless) took on the prestigious position in 1998 when his predecessor stopped giving a shit. He is a 33-year-old man who lives with his parents in Erie, Pennsylvania, and in his day job, he works the floor in a referee shirt at Dick's Sporting Goods. He takes his position as the Buffalo Master very seriously, and a special ringtone on his cell phone alerts him instantly whenever anyone attempts to make revisions or additions to the "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" article on Wikipedia. He prides himself on always answering the call within 1 hour of any change to the article. This has caused great inconveniences in his life and has made it very difficult for him to keep a relationship. For example, the following scene actually happened: "Oh yeah! Give it to me, Buffalo Master!" ***Beep, beep, beep!*** "Oh darn it, somebody's trying to change the external links section of the buffalo article again. Sorry honey, I have to go - this can't wait!" However he gets great pride in knowing that the text will be safe from sabotage as long as it is under his watch.

Typical scene from the Buffalo Master's workstation:Buffalo Master workstation
So in conclusion, it is a thankless job but someone has to do it. Here's to you, Buffalo Master. Keep up the good work...and stop deleting the link to this blog, douche!

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