Thursday, July 31, 2008

A real shit show

It's a crazy simulated world we live in. Every now and then you come across something that's just totally NCAA: Not Cool At All. One of those things is a little game that the Japanese call "kancho," the Koreans call "ddong chim," and I call "f***ing disgusting."

Before I tell you what this is: let me warn you, it is not for the faint of heart. It's a real shit show. A real fecal festival. A real dump demonstration. A real crap carnival. A real poop parade. A real doo-doo display. A real excrement expo. A real scat spectacle.

This little game apparently started in either Japan or Korea, but my money goes on the Japanese based on the fact that they have been the world's leading exporter of weird, awkward, and disturbing things every year since 1957. So...without further ado...from the people who brought you awesome cultural phenomena like vending machines that sell schoolgirls' used panties and weird cartoon porn where people have sex with monsters.......IIIIIIIIIITTT'S SHIT NEEDLE!!!

Shit Needle
Yes, it's shit needle. That's actually the literal translation of the Korean "ddong chim," according to this goofy blog post. The point of this game is to surprise someone by sticking your finger up his or her butthole. That's it. Your finger, someone's butt. Sounds like a blast, right?

One interesting thing about this game is that the position you're supposed to assume when shit needling is down on one knee with both hands together and both index fingers pointed buttward. One unfortunate consequence of this position is that in the rare case that you run into one of the few people who doesn't enjoy an unexpected finger shoved up his or her tailpipe, you're in the perfect position to receive a swift kick to the head that's sure to wipe that "Ha ha - I just rammed my finger up your sphincter!" smirk right off your face.

Some reverse peer pressure:

Shit-needling nerdfest

If you think that "shit needle" is the cat's pajamas and all the cool kids are doing it, take a look at the above picture. If those people in the foreground look like "the cool kids" to you, then I bet you're the type of guy who knows Planck's constant to 5 significant figures and could give me a pretty good description of how it feels to spend the better part of a day trapped in a locker.

So kids, I urge you, please try to resist the temptation to go around shit needling. I mean if you're going to do anything needle-related, it should be shooting up heroin.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Taking the red pill

Hey there, chief. Guess who's back again with another revelation that's going to change the way you look at the world...or shall I say "world." I have some interesting news that you might be interested to know: you are not real. Nobody is. This is all just a big computer simulation, just like "The Matrix." Seriously.
You are a computer chipIn case you were too lazy to click on the link in the first paragraph, let me summarize Dr. Nick Bostrom's fascinating scientific paper for you in three words: you are fake. You're just an artificial brain in an artificial world, a mess of circuits somewhere in some mega-supercomputer controlled by future humans, aliens, or machines that are going take over the world after Arnold Schwarzenegger fails to save John Connor. I am fake too, but the difference between you and me is that I make this look good. Everything you see is fake: your mom, the Tooth Fairy, pro wrestling, that stripper's boobs, the $5 Gucci shades you bought off that bum in D.C., you name it. Fake, fake, fake. To be fair though, it is not totally certain that we are living in a simulation. Here are the three possibilities:
1) We (humans) are about to bite the dust, probably at the hands of the Large Hadron Collider.
2) We are never going to run any simulations of past humans or weird hypothetical worlds, and neither will any aliens or machines in the entire universe or any other universe, ever.
3) Everything we know is a pack of LIES and we're really living in a simulation!

Let me explore these three possibilities, which are mutually exclusive and collectively exhaustive, and examine what the chances of each are:
1) True, the LHC probably will destroy the world. However I feel like the good false vacuum Fat Al Gorescenario is a little more likely than the rest of them. So let's call it a 40% chance that the LHC destroys the world and also a 5% chance that something else does (probably something related to Al Gore, like global warming or Al eating so much food that there is none left for the rest of us and we all starve). 45% overall.
2) Simulations of past worlds or fake worlds are going to be considered way too awesome to pass up by human, alien, or computer nerds of the future. Furthermore, any civilizations that run one simulation will almost definitely choose to run a metric shitload of them, so the vast majority of worlds out there will be simulated ones. So the chances are very high that we are in one. So let's call the chances of the possibility that nobody decides to run any simulations 5%.
3) This is all a simulation and you are not real. 50% chance.

Let me repeat what I just said in layman's terms: there is a 95% chance that we are either not real or we're all about to die. Yes. It's an indisputable fact. Stop crying and get over it, crybaby.

Could people in the future run such a simulation? Yes, obviously. If you don't believe that we will have the technology to do this kind of thing within 100 years from now, then please get back to your Amish community before Brother Jebediah finds out you're surfing the 'net instead of building that barn, Ezekiel.

Why would they run these simulations? Here are my top five reasons (there are many more):
5) To play fantasy fantasy baseball with the fantasy baseball teams of the simulated world.
4) To make a comedy show out of the stupidest things people have ever done (yes, it will include that time you got shroomed up and jumped in the tiger cage).
3) To check out naked chicks in the shower (obviously).
2) To compensate for the fact that they feel inadequate because of the fact that they're not real and just living in a stupid simulation by lording over some other simulation within a simulation.
1) To see if any of the simulated people can come up with any new and exciting additions to the buffalo phenomenon.

I'm really glad the creator of this simulation chose to make me a huge celebrity with millions of adoring fans. I mean, he could have just as easily made me some loser that writes a stupid blog that nobody reads. Whew - glad that didn't happen!

Bummed to find out that you're nothing more than some nerd from the future's Second Life character? Don't be! The good part about the world being fake is that you can do whatever you want with no REAL consequences! Of course certain things might get you thrown into a simulated jail where you'll be simulated cornholed in the simulated shower by a simulated 350 pound tattoo-covered Hell's Angel named Bubba. But at least it's not really happening, right?

So yeah...tough break there, Keanu. I feel for you, champ. The silver lining in all this though is that you still have this awesome simulated blog to read. All right!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Hittin' it

Would you hit it?
Looks like a lot of people have been hittin' it recently. 100 of them to be exact.

Oh yeah!!! Being famous is awesome! 100 hits! Only 4,157 more before I break Pete Rose's record!

With hilarious and informative posts like this one, this blog is guaranteed to hit 1 million by August or so.

To celebrate this huge milestone, I'm going to provide you with some guaranteed psyche-outs for the four most popular sports in America that are guaranteed to throw your opponent off his game, without being in bad taste or offending anyone:

Wiffle ball: "It was called 'hittle ball' before you started playing!"
Badminton: "It was just called 'minton' before you started playing!"
Biathlon: "It was just called an 'athlon' before you started playing! I mean come on, dude, I know you swing both ways. Admit it already."
Midget wheelchair basketball: "It was just called 'basketball' before you gimpy little f***ers started playing!"

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Respect for the cheese hogs

Hog Cheese

It is extremely important in this day and age to always make sure to use the correct term when describing a type of human being. For example, if you see a guy in a wheelchair, the correct term to refer to that person is "alternatively advantaged," not "crippled," "handicapped," or "old gimpy-legged Pete over there." This term refers to the fact that while this guy may not be able to keep up with you in a 100 meter sprint, he would probably whoop your sorry able-bodied ass in a "don't move your legs" contest. Similarly, you should never call a white person "cracker," "honkey," "person of the pasty persuasion," or "melanin-challenged," and you should never, ever, under any circumstances, refer to a French - I mean Freedom - person as a "cheese-eating surrender monkey."

That brings me to our next topic: fat people. There are sure are a lot of them these days - what's the deal with that? Oh sorry, my publicist is telling me "fat person" is politically incorrect. What is the correct term? Lardass? No. No stranger to the biscuit tin? Eh...not quite. Cheese hog? Ok, that sounds about right. Cheese hog it is.

But do cheese hogs really deserve all the negative press they get in this country? Maybe all those people out there that are adding more pounds than a British accountant are onto something.

This is how a typical morbidly obese person looks at the world (from best to worst):
1) The rest of the universe (4 x 10^55 lbs or something like that)
2) Me (524 lbs)
3) That skinny little prick over there (147 lbs)
4) Midgets (pretty damn small and terrible at basketball)

Midget basketball
So to these people, bigger is better. Here is where one of the disaster scenarios from the Large Hadron Collider can teach us a valuable lesson. What do black holes do? They accrete matter. Are they successful? Hell yes they are - there are a metric shitload of them in the universe and there is absolutely nothing known to man that can stop the bastards or even slow them down. That's a pretty good track record if you ask me. The fact of the "matter" (notice the clever pun) is that all matter in the universe is broken down into two groups: 1) matter that is a part of you, and 2) matter that is a part of everything else. The main point of life is to commandeer as much of the matter out there as possible and make it a part of yourself. The more of that you can do, the further ahead you are in the game, and of course the best way to do that is to get really, really fat.

Now wait a minute, you say, couldn't you work out like crazy and gain the same amount of weight in muscle? The answer is no, moron, you can't. First of all, there are limits on how much muscle you can pack on, and second of all, the very act of working out to increase your muscle mass burns calories, which is the exact opposite of what you're trying to do!

Instead, your best bet is to sit on the couch watching reruns of shows featuring Rosie O'Donnell (for inspiration) while shoveling Doritos from either the a) the bag or b) your chest, directly into your mouth. But picking up the chips still burns calories, so better yet, you could build a robot that moves the chips to your mouth for you, or even better, you could have someone else build a robot that does that and also brings the bags of chips and bottles of Shiner Bock from the cupboard/fridge to you so you don't have to get up. And while you're at it, get yourself a voice activated remote - pushing those buttons gets tiring!

Rosie O'DonnellSo from now on I propose we refer to fat people by the honorable title of "extremely adept matter accreters"...or if you must, "cheese hogs" is fine too.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Modern-day feuds

Now that we no longer have the Cold War or the east coast/west coast gangsta rivalry to entertain us, you may find the world a little boring. If so, I am here to your rescue once again with the top 5 feuds of the modern era, as well as my prediction of who will come out on top.

5) Corey Hart vs. Corey Hart Corey Hart
The "Sunglasses at Night" singer and the Milwaukee Brewers outfielder of the same name have been bitter rivals since the latter Corey Hart made his MLB debut in 2004. After the singer allegedly ridiculed the baseball player's sub-par .193 batting average during his brief stint with the Brewers in 2005, the baseball player allegedly responded, "Are you kidding me? Why would I care what this douche says about me? I mean he's French Canadian for god's sake." However Hart (the player) often wore sunglasses during night games to mock the singer throughout the 2006 season, resulting in some costly errors in the field which allowed opposing teams to score some unnecessary runs.
WINNER: Corey Hart, in a landslide.

4) The Wilkinson family vs. the Garcia familyFamily Feud
This feud that rocked the entire world started during a 1992 episode of the TV show "Family Feud" which pitted these soon-to-be bitter rivals against each other. Tensions were high from the opening buzzer when Sherri Wilkinson believed she had buzzed in ahead of Anna Garcia despite the fact that the buzzer recognized Garcia as the first responder. The Garcia family went on to win the game, but fell ten points short in the "fast money" round when the question was "Name a daytime TV game show" and John Garcia answered "The Price Is Right" when the #1 answer was actually "Family Feud." After this mistake, the Wilkinson family taunted their opponents mercilessly. It is unknown what happened after filming completed.
WINNER: The Garcia family. I mean they won the TV show, and that's what counts.

3) Kansas vs. Arkansas Kansas Jayhawks logo
You may not know this, but Arkansas was originally called "Kansas" when it was admitted to the union in 1836. Everything was fine until 1861 when Kansas also decided to call itself "Kansas" as a tribute to the original Kansas. Arkansas, however, did not take kindly to this action as it considered this impostor a boring cornfield state that lacked many of the things that Arkansas prided itself upon, such as the Ozarks, the nation's largest concentration of Waffle Houses per capita, and Scottie Pippen. In 1887, Arkansas, under the leadership of Governor Bill Clinton, renamed itself "Arkansas" ("our Kansas") and adopted the official state slogan "This is Arkansas, bitch. Get your own f***ing Kansas." There has been bad blood between the two states ever since.
WINNER: Kansas. The 2008 NCAA basketball final was used to decide this one.

2) The Buffalo Master vs. the "Buffalo This." blogger Buffalo humping
The Buffalo Master considers this new cavalier blogger an unparalleled threat to the sanctity of "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." He feels that the blogger's proposed additions fly in the face of everything he has stood for throughout his tenure. The Buffalo Master and his predecessors have had many bitter rivals throughout the centuries, but none have been as hated as this one...
WINNER: Me. This blog is a lot more popular than whatever the hell "Wikipedia" is.

1) The Buffalo Master vs. the guy who wrote the Wikipedia article on "James whileWikipedia logo John had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher"
...except this one. The author of this Wikipedia article takes his literary masterpiece nearly as seriously as the Buffalo Master does his, and will stop at nothing to prove that his sentence is the greatest linguistic sentence in the English language (which doesn't include "Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den"). His main argument is that "had" has only one meaning, so using it 11 times in a row is much more impressive than using an extremely versatile word like "buffalo" 8 times in a row.
WINNER: Neither. Me again. I invented the sentence: "James while John had had 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo' had had 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo;' 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo' had had a better effect on the teacher." That clearly tops both.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Movie review: "Bei-Robut"

Bei-Robut (2006), starring Bei-Robut as himself. Supporting actors are Jonathan Frank, Nick Damiano, Brian Tran, and Random Korean Guy.
Awards: Best Picture, Best Screenplay, Best Actor (Bei-Robut), Best Nerd (Tran), Best Portrayal of a Beirut or Beer Pong Game, Best Robot with a Boston Accent (Bei-Robut), Best Supporting Supporting Actor (Random Korean Guy), all in 2006.

4 stars

Wow. It is rare that you see a movie that makes you laugh and cry at the same time and blows you away with incredible cinematography and special effects. Such movies come along only once in a decade it seems, and for the 2000's (2001-2010), this is most certainly the one.

The movie starts by exploring a common but rarely acknowledged stereotype in society: the inability of robots to play beirut/beer pong. It then proceeds to brilliantly develop several complex characters: the Obnoxious Dudes (Damiano and Frank), Poindexter (Tran), and Bei-Robut (himself), a robot out to fight the stereotypes that plague the world around him and teach the doubters a valuable lesson.

Poindexter (Tran) celebrates with Bei-Robut:

Brian Tran and Bei-Robut
The cinematography is mind-blowing, especially considering the movie was filmed using a 2 megapixel Canon PowerShot S300 manufactured in the year 2000 that was purchased by the filming crew for $20. The stunning special effects make it impossible to tell when the shooters actually make the shots and when state-of-the-art TV tricks are at play.

In the movie, the robot and nerd duo, in an extremely unpredictable plot twist, goes on to defeat its opponents, and the heartwarming final scene shows the villains exiting in shame while the heroes celebrate a well-deserved victory. Clever social commentary abounds as the movie explores major timely issues such as the negative stereotyping of robots' performance in drinking games and the heated debate on whether nerds should just stop it with that annoying nasal voice and stupid Warcraft obsession and just stop, like, being so weird and stuff.

The soundtrack, consisting of the song "Mr. Roboto" by Styx, goes so well with the movie that it appears as if the song was designed just for this film, much like Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album and "The Wizard of Oz," except about ten times better. This particular feature brought many audience members to tears when I saw this in the theaters, as they realized they would most likely never witness something so perfect and beautiful again (well maybe, if more words were ever added to the buffalo phenomenon). It also makes this movie ideal for watching on weed.

On top of all this, Bei-Robut, who is actually from Georgia and speaks in a heavy southern drawl, shows off his versatile voice talents by executing flawless a New England accent that would put Ted Kennedy to shame.

Obnoxious Dudes (Damiano and Frank) disappointed by poor shooting. Random Korean Guy (himself) can't bear to watch the slaughter and seeks comfort in his computer:

Nick Damiano and Jonathan Frank
Do not bother watching another movie for the next ten years. This masterpiece will make all other movies out there look like "From Justin to Kelly" in comparison.

Monday, July 21, 2008

The people demand buffalo!

Buffalo strip
Recently we took a poll of 10,000 regular readers of this blog and asked what they want to read more about. Almost every one gave the same answer: "More buffalo!!!" Well, ask and you shall receive...

Let me start with one important fact that you absolutely must take note of: for any number from 1 to infinity, you can compose a sentence out of exactly that many buffaloes. Let's go through a few examples:
1) "Buffalo!" Here I am either telling you to go and do some buffaloing, pointing out a herd of buffalo, or directing your attention to the city of Buffalo.
2) "Buffalo buffalo." Here I am telling you to go and buffalo some buffalo. (Seriously, go do it right now.)
More than 15) At this point you still have a technically valid sentence, although it is a run-on and involves a large number of buffalo involved in a complex hierarchical structure of buffaloing. This is not realistic. Let me tell you, I have been around a few buffalo in my days, and the fact of the matter is that if you're a buffalo then you're pretty much going to be either a buffaloer or a buffaloee. I've never seen a situation where Buffalo A buffaloes Buffalo B who buffaloes Buffalo C, who gets buffaloed by Buffalo D but buffaloes Buffalo E, and so on. Contrary to popular belief, that amount of buffaloing just doesn't happen. I am the expert and I would know.

Buffalo strip
Got it? Ok, now it's time for me to blow your mind. Recent research has produced the greatest discovery since the invention of the internet (or the cell phone, or whatever the last really huge thing was): it may be possible to expand the buffalo sentence by three additional buffaloes without making it a run-on sentence, or even a less elegant one. 18 buffaloes. I am not kidding.

Ready? Now bear with me on this one. As you are probably aware, you can add a modifier to a verb that gives it a more specific meaning. You can nap, and then you can cat-nap. You can paddle, and then you can doggy paddle. I can surprise you, and then I can Cincinnati Surprise you. As you are probably aware, the verb "to buffalo" is a versatile one that can have three different unique meanings: 1) to intimidate, 2) to confuse, and 3) to deceive. As you can imagine, there are many different ways to buffalo someone (or some buffalo).

Buffalo strip
Now imagine there is a certain way to buffalo someone that is typical of the city of Buffalo. So I can buffalo you, and then I can Buffalo buffalo you. Alternatively, imagine there is a certain way of buffaloing that buffalo typically do. You could call this type of buffaloing "buffalo buffaloing." Still another possibility is that I could buffalo you with buffalo sauce, such as throwing a pail full of buffalo sauce on you to confuse (i.e. buffalo) you. That could also be buffalo buffaloing. Let's use the second of those meanings and construct a sentence of the same form as the original 15 buffalo sentence, except with each verb "buffalo" being replaced with "buffalo buffalo." Here goes:
Buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.

Behold a true thing of beauty. You will never see the world in the same way again.

"Jordan fades back...SWISH!...and that's the game!"

The Buffalo Master is really going to hate me now.

Buffalo strip

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Fantasy Fantasy Baseball

Fantasy Fantasy BaseballI have been a fantasy baseball and football player for many years and really enjoy the game. But then again I am extremely hardcore - I used to play REAL baseball in high school. For some people, fantasy baseball and football are a little too close to the action. I mean dealing with real players and using real stats makes for a pretty intense game. If you are one of these people, do not worry because there is a game for you: fantasy fantasy baseball (and football too!).

Unlike fantasy sports where you put together a team of your favorite Your grannysports stars and get points based on how well they perform, fantasy fantasy sports is a game where you put together a team of your favorite fantasy sports players and get points based on how well their fantasy sports teams do. For example, in the first round of a typical fantasy fantasy baseball draft, you might pick someone like ESPN's fantasy sports expert Matthew Berry and in the last round you might pick someone like...I don't know...your grandma, or someone.

So for those of you who are looking to get into the exciting world of fantasy fantasy sports, here are my top three tips for putting together a winning team:

1) Don't draft the league douchebag.
Nobody likes the guy who's always saying things like "Yeah! I got Tom Brady, bitches!" or "Your mom was really good last night. No, seriously, dude, I'm not even joking, she was. Dude. Really." People will not want to trade with this guy. That will hurt his team, which will in turn hurt your team.

2) Try to pick up players who can keep a cool head.
Is Bob from Baltimore going to drop Evan Longoria just because of a bad run of games or because he's tired of his wife sitting around watching "Desperate Housewives" DVDs all day? You do NOT want an impulsive player like that on your team.

3) Always look for upside.
Who would you rather have on your team: the grizzled vet who has finished in the middle of the pack each of the last five seasons or the promising newcomer who has had a rough go at it so far but has showed flashes of brilliance like when he grabbed Edinson Vólquez off waivers early this season? The first one? No. You're wrong, idiot. It's the second one.

Why play baseball when you can play FANTASY baseball? And why play fantasy baseball when you can play FANTASY fantasy baseball? Why sit at field level on the 50-yard line when you can hang out in the nosebleed section? If there's anything more exciting than being part of the action, it's being as far away from the action as possible. If EA Sports' slogan is "It's in the game," Fantasy Fantasy Sports' slogan is something like, "It's pretty damn far from the game, because let's face it, 'the game' is just way too intense for people like you."

Coming soon: fantasy video games, fantasy office jobs, fantasy fantasy fantasy baseball, and even combined fantasy leagues. ("All right! Karen from Dallas got promoted to Assistant Director of Marketing, A-Rod hit two homers, AND Kenny from Brooklyn got a new high score in Guitar Hero! Woo hoo, 12 points for me! Eat that! Who's the man?")

Friday, July 18, 2008

They can take our lives, but they can never take our "freedom!"

Mel Gibson in 'Braveheart'
I'm not a political man. Exhibit A: Do you currently see me running for President of the United States? No, you do not (contrary to popular belief, I am not Bob Barr). Case in point. However, I do know a couple things about politics, like the fact that we're involved in a controversial war with France right now. Speaking of which, as a true American citizen I feel that it is my duty to weigh in on one major current issue: whether or not we should refer to French fries as "freedom fries." My opinion on this matter is that we should not only replace the "French" in "French fries," but also replace "French" in any other context as well, with "freedom."

You see, rejecting all things French is a great American tradition dating back to the 1700's when the city of "Beau Fleuve" ("beautiful river") in western New York was renamed "Buffalo." The significance of this event cannot be understated. Had this not occurred, neither the city nor the hot wings sauce would be called "buffalo," and consequently the buffalo phenomenon would not be nearly as fascinating as it is. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it would be no more fascinating than the sentence "Police police police police police police police."

Now that we are at war, continuing this tradition is of unquestionable importance. That's why I eat freedom toast with freedom fries and a side of freedom onion soup. This should expand to all phrases and expressions in the English language. Freedom kiss your significant other. Play the freedom horn in the marching band. Admire the basketball skills of Larry Bird, the "hick from Freedom Lick." Come on people, we can do this! Let's stick it to those dirty fucking Freedom-men! (Pardon my freedom.)

Oh, one more thing: you have to admit that George Michael's song "Freedom! '90" would never have been the timeless musical masterpiece that it is if it hadn't been censored due to the war. Watch the video (click link above) and imagine what it would sound like if "French" were substituted for every "freedom" as the artist had originally intended. Mr. Michael, you are a true patriot.

So from now on, I urge you to avoid using the F-word in all cases (the 6-letter F-word I mean; the 4-letter one is fine, especially in reference to the Fr**ch). Keep fighting the good fight and I guarantee you we will prevail. I mean it's not like the French have ever WON a war!

French Military Victories

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The LHC might not kill us after all!

Good news! After crunching the numbers again, it ends up that the probability of us all being killed by the Large Hadron Collider is less than I originally thought! There are a few more very possible scenarios that you need to be aware of:

1) The It's It Scenario
The LHC creates a wormhole, through which beings from the future send back a new and improved It's It bar. It is found to be extremely delicious.

It's It bar
2) The Buffalet Scenario
Similar to the strangelet (strange matter) scenario, except in this case a particle is produced that has crazy quantum properties that allow for the possibility of a non-run-on sentence consisting of only the word "buffalo" 50 times in a row. This "buffalet" particle starts a chain reaction that converts all particles in the solar system to buffalet particles. The buffalo phenomenon becomes even more awe-inspiring and the world is a better place as a result.

3) The Stranger Scenario
Also similar to the strangelet scenario. Basically what happens is that the LHC produces something amazing that unlocks the secret to the universe. The physicist running the machine at the time is so excited about this finding that he bursts into a nearby office unannounced...and walks in on his colleague giving himself the stranger. This moment is so awkward that it causes a wave of awkwardness that sweeps across the planet. We don't die, but things are extremely awkward for the next 100 years or so until the awkwardness evaporates.

4) The Bad False Vacuum Scenario
Ok, this one sort of blows. Some scientists think that we may be living in a "false vacuum" and that a "true vacuum" with lower potential energy exists. The energy of the collisions produced by this particle collider may be enough to overcome the barrier needed to knock us into the "true vacuum" state. A bubble of this new vacuum state expands through the universe at near-light speed, killing everything in its path, including all of us and all other lifeforms in the universe, except maybe cockroaches. Whoops. Sorry, aliens - our bad.

5) The Good False Vacuum Scenario
A bubble of superior vacuum cleaners (probably the Oreck XL21 Titanium Series) sweeps through the entire universe, replacing all the crappy vacuums in its path. Aliens from far-away galaxies thank us for making their floors cleaner than they ever imagined possible.

vacuum cleaner
So if you're keeping score at home, the odds of us all being killed by this thing are now estimated to be only 6 out of 11, or about 54.5%. Still not great, but the fact remains that doing these experiments is inevitable because it is natural human instinct to want to smash stuff into each other and see what happens (hey, that's how you were born!). My advice to you is to not sweat the small stuff, like whether or not you're about to be painfully spaghettified by a black hole or blown to pieces by an expanding vacuum bubble of doom. There are a lot more important things to worry about, such as the relationship status of these two "celebrities" that nobody has ever heard of. Party on, Wayne.

*Thanks to Jon Frank for the original ideas for scenarios #1 and 3.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Belgians waffle on beer buyout

Anheuser-Busch? Why it's fine, thank you, I just trimmed it yesterday! How's yours? (Relax, I'm talking about shrubbery, sicko.)

First it was going to happen, then it wasn't, now it looks like it's happening for real. If you haven't heard yet, Anheuser-Busch is selling out to Belgian beer conglomerate InBev. People who pretend to like beer (but secretly prefer fruity wine coolers) all over America are upset that their favorite "beer" is no longer USA-owned and operated. In case you don't know, Anheuser-Busch is the company that produces a variety of popular beverages, including a rice drink called "Budweiser," a bottled water called "Bud Light," and a fermented horse urine drink called "Natural (Natty) Ice."

Taking the high road with my jokes once again:
Buttweiser logoThe fact is that people in other countries (particularly the British) think that American beer sucks. The other fact is that it DOES suck, that is at least the beer produced by the "big three" (Bud, Miller, and Coors, who all now conveniently happen to be foreign-owned). To make matters worse, the British have also been occasionally known to refer to Americans as "Merkins," a term which is also used to refer

The British LOVE to make the following hilarious joke:
Q: How is American beer like sex in a canoe?
A: It's f***ing close to water!!!

Ok, I'll wait 10 minutes for you to stop laughing hysterically...
Seriously, did you expect better from people who think "blimey" is a normal word?

Three Floyds Dark Lord logo Well it's time to prove the naysayers wrong and stand up for our great nation and its many righteous brews. For those of you who think Budweiser was a symbol of America and feel that our national pride has been wounded by this buyout, here is my advice to you: shut up. It's time to leave "Buttweiser" (zing!) to the waffle boys in Europe and crown a new American king of beers. Let's show them our nation isn't about cheap, watery rice drinks, we're about strong, thick, and flavorful beers with enough alcohol to tranquilize a hippo. I suggest we crown Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA or Three Floyds Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout as the new king.

Beerfest movie poster And while we're talking about beer, was "Beerfest" a cinematic masterpiece or what? Most ridiculous Academy Awards snub since "Dumb and Dumber" got shut out in 1994.

A journey into the mind of the Buffalo Master

There are some tough jobs out there. Human shield, celebrity blogger, professional Russian roulette player, buffalo buffaloer, and so on. But there is one man above all who works his ass off day in and day out to protect the integrity of a sacred piece of scripture, receiving little recognition or thanks for his toils. As you've probably guessed, that man is the Buffalo Master.

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 500 years and do not know who the Buffalo Master is, I will provide you with a short bio. Ever since the discovery of the sentence "Buffalo buffalo buffalo." in 1503 A.D. (as in buffalo (the animal) buffalo (the verb) buffalo (the animal)), a document outlining the wonders of the buffalo phenomenon has been stored in a safe place to protect it from the many people who wish to vandalize, corrupt, or destroy it. For many centuries that place was the deepest, darkest dungeon of a castle with stone walls 200 feet high and 50 feet thick, surrounded by a moat of hungry alligators and sharks. Anyone who made it into the castle would be greeted with a pit of poisonous snakes and a series of traps that were inspired by the movie "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade." In 2005, the sacred text was relocated from the depths of the castle dungeon to this Wikipedia page. Through the centuries, one man has been entrusted with the great responsibility of guarding this text. That man is the Buffalo Master.

Artist's rendering of Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Castle:Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Castle
Additional "buffaloes" have been added to the sentence from time to time, but for the last 53 years, the sentence has stood at 8 "buffaloes." The current Buffalo Master strongly opposes the addition of any more words to the sentence, which many believe is a result of this one time when he considered adding a ninth "buffalo" (the hot wings sauce) at the suggestion of a guy named Lenny O'Connor from Cincinnati. The Buffalo Master contemplated this proposition long and hard, and was about to make the necessary amendment until he discovered at the last minute that Mr. O'Connor's intentions were not pure and the only reason he wanted to add the extra "buffalo" was to promote a new wings appetizer at the local Applebee's restaurant where he worked as an assistant manager. The Buffalo Master was greatly troubled by this incident and subsequently officially declared, "The hot wings sauce shall not be considered a valid use of the word 'buffalo.'"

Ok, I think that's enough background - now onto the story of the current Buffalo Master...
The current Buffalo Master (who shall remain nameless) took on the prestigious position in 1998 when his predecessor stopped giving a shit. He is a 33-year-old man who lives with his parents in Erie, Pennsylvania, and in his day job, he works the floor in a referee shirt at Dick's Sporting Goods. He takes his position as the Buffalo Master very seriously, and a special ringtone on his cell phone alerts him instantly whenever anyone attempts to make revisions or additions to the "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" article on Wikipedia. He prides himself on always answering the call within 1 hour of any change to the article. This has caused great inconveniences in his life and has made it very difficult for him to keep a relationship. For example, the following scene actually happened: "Oh yeah! Give it to me, Buffalo Master!" ***Beep, beep, beep!*** "Oh darn it, somebody's trying to change the external links section of the buffalo article again. Sorry honey, I have to go - this can't wait!" However he gets great pride in knowing that the text will be safe from sabotage as long as it is under his watch.

Typical scene from the Buffalo Master's workstation:Buffalo Master workstation
So in conclusion, it is a thankless job but someone has to do it. Here's to you, Buffalo Master. Keep up the good work...and stop deleting the link to this blog, douche!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Fame don't buffalo me

Now that "Buffalo This" is another wayward piece of crap floating around in the almighty blogosphere, the real challenge to this business has become evident: getting people to give a shit about your blog. I started this thing with the very reasonable and practical goal of getting 1 million regular readers by the end of July 2008. I'm not going to rule anything out yet, but as of now making that goal does not look very likely. As far as I know, nobody has commented on my posts (Can't I even get some obnoxious idiot to write "FIRST!!!" on one of the comment boards? Come on!), and at last count I have one regular reader - myself - and maybe some irregular readers - people that have stumbled upon this blog from a Google search or the link to my blog on Wikipedia's Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo page that some Big Brotheresque censorship-happy douchebag keeps deleting. Once I start spreading news of this blog to friends and family by word of mouth, maybe I'll get a few more readers. But it's a long way to 1 million.

On a different note, being a celebrity has not been nearly as tough as I expected it to be. (Note to the staff of "Us Weekly": I am NOT having an affair with Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba. We are just friends, seriously!) I really don't get why the stars complain so much. Of course it is a little annoying having to avoid doing things like going to the club without underwear or keeping questionable photos on my cell phone. It could just be that this is so easy for me because I am not the type to be easily buffaloed by the paparazzi - maybe some of the other celebs out there who aren't as tough as I am let the 'razzi get into their dome piece more than I do. Being a celebrity does have its perks however. Being super-loaded and having millions of people who idolize you are great, but nothing is as satisfying as being able to say to yourself in the mirror every morning, "Lookin' good there chief (I call myself 'chief' a lot). People worship you. You are the f***ing man!!!" Until you're famous you have no idea how great that is. A lyric from David Bowie's song "Fame" comes closest to describing the feeling: "Fame!" That should give you a pretty clear picture of what it's like.

Let's get to 1 million! Or at least 10! Come on, anyone?

Friday, July 11, 2008

Kids these days...

There comes a day for each of us when we realize we're no longer spring chickens and that we should just throw in the towel and start going to bridge club and watching "Welcome Back, Kotter" reruns all day. The big sign for me was not someone pointing out my excessive use of the phrase, "Eh, sonny? Eh?" or loss of bowel control, but a more nebulous combination of things such as only recognizing 2 or 3 songs on the Billboard pop chart, no longer being able to make much solid contact at the 85mph batting cage, being ridiculed about my age at a college beirut tournament, identifying with Toby Keith's song "As Good as I Once Was," and not getting what the hell this "Hannah Montana" craze is all about. Yes, at the ripe old age of 25 I finally understand the difficulties of the senior life.

So for one time and only one time, I'm going to stoop to the level of far inferior and less popular blogosphere member Perez Hilton and look at what kids these days are up to, from an old fart's perspective.

"Bobby, that woman is the devil!"Amy Winehouse

Who in tarnation is this floozy Amy Winehouse supposed to be? I guess she had one big song or something. Is it really that easy to be a huge celebrity these days that this dirty British tore up from the floor up crack whore can do it? I mean it's not like she writes a hilarious blog or anything. What's the big deal?

Soap opera stars and cheesy 80's pop singers invade baseballCorey Hart - Sunglasses at Night

So the balloting for the final two players to make the 2008 Major League Baseball All-Star game is finished, and the winners are: Evan Longoria, star of "Desperate Housewives," and Corey Hart, best known for his 1984 single "Sunglasses at Night." What is this world coming to where our national pastime has been corrupted by celebrities with little or no baseball talent? Hell, Amy Winehouse would probably be on the Kansas City Royals' roster if she didn't violate the league's substance abuse policy. Heavens to Betsy!

Disney gone wild Mickey Mouse

Back in my day, the big Disney Channel stars were cartoon mice and the like. Now the star of some "High School Musical" show that young'uns supposedly consider to be the cat's pajamas gets caught sending pornographic images of herself to her ambiguously gay co-star/boyfriend. Well I never! Isn't there any sense of decency in the world anymore? I want my kids watching Sesame Street, not common street trash!

Kids these days, I tell you, I could go on forever with war stories from my time in 'Nam or valuable "when I was your age" anecdotes, but unfortunately I just crapped my pants. Oops.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Bummed about the LHC? Try some THC.

Exploding Earth
Now that we've covered the extremely fascinating buffalo phenomenon in some detail, I would now like to move on to a somewhat less important issue that I consider to be a slight bummer: there's a chance that this machine CERN is building in Europe is going to cause the entire planet to get sucked into a black hole, or something like that.

I'm talking of course about the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). The point of this thing is to determine what shit is made of by slamming together large hadrons, which are one of the main basic components of shit, at near light speed. (Clarification: by "shit" I mean stuff in general, not actual fecal matter, although fecal matter is indeed one of the countless types of shit out there.) Hadrons are sub-atomic particles, protons in this case. As for the "large" part, that beats me because something that's smaller than a hydrogen atom seems pretty damn un-large to me. Maybe the next time a girl expresses dissatisfaction with the dimensions of your junk, you can use the LHC to convince her that the item in question is in fact fairly large ("At least it's not subatomic!"). One of the big ticket items they're looking for is the "elusive" Higgs boson, a goofy-ass sounding particle that many scientists theorize gives mass to certain things, including EVERYTHING IN THE F***ING UNIVERSE. If it really is true that we're all nothing more than big walking piles of Higgs bosons, then getting sucked into a black hole may not be such a terrible fate after all. I could not imagine a more depressing revelation.

So when they fire this thing up and start testing, probably sometime between August and October 2008, one of six things is going to happen:
1) A micro black hole is created and it swallows the planet, killing us all.
2) A stable form of strange matter is created and converts the entire solar system into strange matter, killing all of us in the process.
3) A wormhole is created, which may serve as a portal for beings from the future to send something back through time, possibly to kill us all. The wormhole would be microscopic, so the thing they'd send back through it would probably be more like a self-replicating killer nanorobot and less like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
4) Something else crazy happens, killing us all.
5) Nothing happens, so they build a bigger atom-smasher, which kills us all.
6) We find out what shit is made of and unlock a few more of the great secrets of the universe. We live to fight another day.

So out of six possible outcomes, only one leads to an outcome that doesn't involve us all being killed. It doesn't meet Meatloaf's standards (which would be 4 out of 6 in this case), but apparently the scientists at CERN don't consider an 83.3(repeating)% chance of the planet being destroyed enough of a threat to stop them from firing this bad boy up for the off-chance that they might be lucky enough to see a couple of Higgs bosons, the Boson Red Sox, or Boson the clown. Furthermore, something you might find particularly disturbing is the fact that most experts out there believe that micro black holes WILL be created by this thing, but believe that they pose no threat to us because they'll instantly evaporate via Hawking radiation. This theory comes from this one time at band camp when Stephen Hawking left a cup full of black holes on the table and came back a couple of days later only to find that the black holes had vanished into thin air. That story should put your fears to rest - if the black holes evaporated last time then there is no reason to doubt that they will evaporate again.

So we could be on the brink of the end of humanity, which you have to admit would sort of suck. In fact, I would go so far as to rate its bummification potential somewhere between that of the Steelers failing to make the playoffs and DICKipedia refusing to recognize my brilliant contributions to the science of creating a sentence solely out of the word "buffalo." Unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it either, so it seems the best thing to do is accept our fate and blaze up a fat blunt while we're waiting for the black hole or nano-Schwarzenegger from the future to put the ultimate smackdown on all of us.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

More buffalo than you can handle

Buffalo (bison)Buffalo wingsDowntown Buffalo
Ok, now that that's out of my system and I've come to grips with my newfound status on the A-list, the time has come to discuss an important issue: buffalo. Fifteen of them to be precise.

Buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo. And do they ever.

For those who are not aware that this is a grammatically correct sentence, allow me to enlighten you. The word "buffalo" is a magical one that has four meanings:
1) (noun) A large, hairy bovine mammal.
2) (noun) A city in western New York state.
3) (noun) A type of hot wing sauce (or (adj) anything covered in this sauce).
4) (verb) To bully or intimidate.

The order of these words in the sentence above is as follows: 3 2 1 3 2 1 4 4 3 2 1 3 2 1 4. If you still don't get it, let's replace (1) with "bison," (2) with "Rochester," (3) with "saucy," and (4) with "bully." Let's also throw in the optional word "that" a few times. Then the sentence becomes:
Saucy Rochester bison that saucy Rochester bison bully (in turn) bully (other) saucy Rochester bison that saucy Rochester bison bully.

So now it should make sense. If it still doesn't, I recommend that you go back and repeat the second grade, and while you're at it, go ahead and make a movie about it because "Billy Madison" was hilarious and could really use a sequel.

The reason the "buffalo phenomenon" is near and dear to my heart is because a friend and I were the ones who added the hot wing sauce and the fourth "buffalo Buffalo buffalo" clause to it, expanding the total number of words in the sentence from 8 to 15 (notice Wikipedia still only recognizes 8 however). This is the reason that if I am struck down tomorrow by a meteor or tsunami or the like, I can die satisfied that I have made a great contribution to science that might even earn me a posthumous Nobel prize.

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "Wait a minute. That could never happen." Once again, you would be terribly mistaken. You only need to find 8 buffalo (2 for each of the 4 "buffalo Buffalo buffalo" clauses to make each one plural), transport them to Buffalo, cover them all in hot wing sauce, then manipulate two groups of two to buffalo the other two respective groups of two, and later manipulate one of the two groups that were originally buffaloed to buffalo the other previously buffaloed group. It's that simple!

In case you still have questions, here are some FAQ and my answers:
Q: "Don't you need punctuation or the word 'that' somewhere in there?"
A: "No. Who's the expert here - me or you? That's what I thought."

Q: "There never were any buffalo in Buffalo. They are actually called 'bison.'"
A: "If you would be so kind, please fuck off. They're called 'buffalo,' you gigantic nerd. This is America - if you don't like it then you can get the hell out!"

Q: "Couldn't you add more buffaloes and still have a grammatically correct sentence?"
A: "Technically yes, but then it would be a run-on sentence and would just start to sound silly. Try going around saying 'buffalo' more than 15 times in a row and see if they don't throw you in the loony bin."

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I'm famous!

All right!!! I am finally posting stuff on the Internet that everyone in the world is going to read! Yeah, dude! I'm famous!!! I'm famous!!!
I'M FAMOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who links to me?