Thursday, July 24, 2008

Modern-day feuds

Now that we no longer have the Cold War or the east coast/west coast gangsta rivalry to entertain us, you may find the world a little boring. If so, I am here to your rescue once again with the top 5 feuds of the modern era, as well as my prediction of who will come out on top.

5) Corey Hart vs. Corey Hart Corey Hart
The "Sunglasses at Night" singer and the Milwaukee Brewers outfielder of the same name have been bitter rivals since the latter Corey Hart made his MLB debut in 2004. After the singer allegedly ridiculed the baseball player's sub-par .193 batting average during his brief stint with the Brewers in 2005, the baseball player allegedly responded, "Are you kidding me? Why would I care what this douche says about me? I mean he's French Canadian for god's sake." However Hart (the player) often wore sunglasses during night games to mock the singer throughout the 2006 season, resulting in some costly errors in the field which allowed opposing teams to score some unnecessary runs.
WINNER: Corey Hart, in a landslide.

4) The Wilkinson family vs. the Garcia familyFamily Feud
This feud that rocked the entire world started during a 1992 episode of the TV show "Family Feud" which pitted these soon-to-be bitter rivals against each other. Tensions were high from the opening buzzer when Sherri Wilkinson believed she had buzzed in ahead of Anna Garcia despite the fact that the buzzer recognized Garcia as the first responder. The Garcia family went on to win the game, but fell ten points short in the "fast money" round when the question was "Name a daytime TV game show" and John Garcia answered "The Price Is Right" when the #1 answer was actually "Family Feud." After this mistake, the Wilkinson family taunted their opponents mercilessly. It is unknown what happened after filming completed.
WINNER: The Garcia family. I mean they won the TV show, and that's what counts.

3) Kansas vs. Arkansas Kansas Jayhawks logo
You may not know this, but Arkansas was originally called "Kansas" when it was admitted to the union in 1836. Everything was fine until 1861 when Kansas also decided to call itself "Kansas" as a tribute to the original Kansas. Arkansas, however, did not take kindly to this action as it considered this impostor a boring cornfield state that lacked many of the things that Arkansas prided itself upon, such as the Ozarks, the nation's largest concentration of Waffle Houses per capita, and Scottie Pippen. In 1887, Arkansas, under the leadership of Governor Bill Clinton, renamed itself "Arkansas" ("our Kansas") and adopted the official state slogan "This is Arkansas, bitch. Get your own f***ing Kansas." There has been bad blood between the two states ever since.
WINNER: Kansas. The 2008 NCAA basketball final was used to decide this one.

2) The Buffalo Master vs. the "Buffalo This." blogger Buffalo humping
The Buffalo Master considers this new cavalier blogger an unparalleled threat to the sanctity of "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." He feels that the blogger's proposed additions fly in the face of everything he has stood for throughout his tenure. The Buffalo Master and his predecessors have had many bitter rivals throughout the centuries, but none have been as hated as this one...
WINNER: Me. This blog is a lot more popular than whatever the hell "Wikipedia" is.

1) The Buffalo Master vs. the guy who wrote the Wikipedia article on "James whileWikipedia logo John had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher"
...except this one. The author of this Wikipedia article takes his literary masterpiece nearly as seriously as the Buffalo Master does his, and will stop at nothing to prove that his sentence is the greatest linguistic sentence in the English language (which doesn't include "Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den"). His main argument is that "had" has only one meaning, so using it 11 times in a row is much more impressive than using an extremely versatile word like "buffalo" 8 times in a row.
WINNER: Neither. Me again. I invented the sentence: "James while John had had 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo' had had 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo;' 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo' had had a better effect on the teacher." That clearly tops both.

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