Sunday, August 31, 2008

New Olympic sports

You've probably heard the disappointing news that baseball and softball will not be included in the 2012 London Olympic Games. I mean, why should they? The two sports are only popular in a tiny corner of the world that includes the U.S., Venezuela, South Korea, Australia, Japan, and Cuba (among others). It's not like they have anywhere near the fan base of real Olympic sports like fencing, dressage, or trampoline-jumping.

The question remains: what sport(s) should we add to the Olympic schedule to replace these deletions?

Wonder no more. Here are my top five candidates for new Olympic sports that athletes from all over the world can enjoy:

Greased watermelon5) Greased watermelon
Water polo is for sissies. Real athletes would much rather use something that weighs 20 lbs, is more slippery than a banana peel on a wet hockey rink, and always carries the risk of exploding if it hits your head. I'm talking of course about the great game known as "greased watermelon." The fact that this is not already in the Olympics is a preposterous travesty that must be corrected immediately.

4) Beer mile
The #1 complaint about Olympic track events is that they're very poor tests of an athlete's drinking ability. Problem solved! The other great thing about the beer mile is that it allows the U.S. to have a chance to finally beat the Jamaicans in a running event. I mean it's not the weed mile!

Bog snorkelling3) Bog snorkelling
What Michael Phelps did in Beijing is nothing compared to the daily struggles of the brave men and women who crawl through sludge, dodging salamanders, old tires, rusted beer cans, and mosquito larvae for 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. That's right, I'm talking about the world's elite bog snorkellers. It's about time we recognize these real athletes on the global stage.

2) Fantasy Olympics
No country had a more heartbreaking showing in Beijing than Greece, who despite having invented the Olympics ended up with a grand total of zero gold medals. But hey, if you don't have enough athletic talent to actually win a gold medal, maybe you can be the best at picking who does win. That's where Fantasy Olympics come in. Similarly to Fantasy Baseball/Football, each country picks a team of various Olympic teams (the Chinese women's gymnastic team, the Kyrgyzstani men's trampoline team, the Finnish men's bog snorkeling team, etc). Whoever picks the most medallists wins. Even poor, pitifully unathletic Greece has a chance at this one!

Octopus wrestling1) Octopus wrestling
Because Greco-Roman wrestling is a little too much sweaty man-on-man action for most people to stomach. Sweaty man-on-octopus action is much better!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Word on the street #4: Your friends

The most annoying thing by far about having friends is never knowing what you should call them. You obviously can't call them by their names, because that would sound way too goofy, especially if the person's name is something that's already extremely goofy, like Phineas, Ralphina, or any name a celebrity has ever named a child. This may make social situations extremely awkward, and if you choose the wrong word, people may seriously reevaluate their prior perceptions of your douchitude on their subconscious mental douche-o-meter. So here we go with ten names you can call your friends, rated from most douche-tacular (10) to least (1).

10) Broski
"Hey broski, two Heinekens!" This one may work in jest, but calling someone this in seriousness has been a cardinal sin since it was used in the YouTube phenomenon "My New Haircut."

thermometerNative American chief9) Chief
Is your friend the leader of a Native American tribe or Boy Scout troop? If not, avoid using this one. It was also used in "My New Haircut" in the sentence "Not now chief, I'm in the f***ing zone!"

8) Brah
It is not a good idea to call your friend by the same name as a breast-holding device, even if you think that he is the type of person who would enjoy holding breasts all day (i.e. any straight male).

7) Chieferino/Sport-o
It is a good idea to call your son these names. Your friend, not so much.

6) Guy
Rather impersonal and often used by Canadians. May be a little off-putting.

5) Ace
This was a good one before"The Ambiguously Gay Duo" came out. Now it can be a real land mine if your friend is uncomfortable with his sexuality. May be a decent choice for a tennis player however.

John Kerry4) Hoss
This one is tricky. It is a great one to use in the context of a manly activity, such as stuffing your face ("You gonna eat that whole steak, hoss?") or an athletic activity ("Show 'em what you've got up there, hoss!"). However, you must make sure to never use this term to refer to a woman, or anyone with horse-like features, such as John Kerry.

3) Tiger
Not a terrible one to use. Your friend may actually think you're complimenting his/her golf game.

2) Buddy
Boring and unoriginal, but a safe play. Think of it as the equivalent of a sacrifice bunt in baseball: it'll advance the runner, but definitely won't blow the game wide open in your favor.

1) Playa
Always a good call, as it implies that your friend is a master of manipulating the opposite sex. The ultimate compliment.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

How to be famous

As an A-list celebrity, I often have people asking me what they can do to become extremely famous like I am. The surprising fact is that it's not that difficult, you just need to know the tricks. What I am about to reveal to you are five well-kept secrets of the A-list elite that have been passed down from generation to generation. With the help of this knowledge, you can be the talk of the nation in no time.

Backstreet Boys1) Declare that you're back, even though you were never really there in the first place
This trick was flawlessly executed by the Backstreet Boys. Despite the fact that nobody had ever heard of them, they released the song "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)." At this point, everyone realized that they must have missed the Backstreet Boys their first time around, so they pretended to like them because according to the song, everybody else did. Even better, the song was addressed to "everybody," so anybody who didn't know who the Backstreet Boys were pretended that they did so they wouldn't look really clueless. A brilliant strategy.

2) Be really, really terrible at something and make sure everyone knows it
Ever hear of this guy (click on the link, dummy)? He is probably the worst singer in the history of the universe and a terrible dancer to boot. Still, everyone in America knew who he was and he got a record deal. Not everyone can be talented, but everyone can be really, really, ridiculously un-talented.

Here are a few ideas on how you might be able to execute this trick:

-Become the CEO of a major pharmaceutical corporation. Hold a press conference and state that you are "this close" (holding thumb and forefinger exactly one centimeter apart) to finding the cure for every type of cancer. Then hold another press conference a month later saying that you read the memo wrong and instead of "cancer" it said "canker sores"...and the drug has the undesirable side effect of killing everyone who takes it. Follow by saying that you project a 90% decrease in sales this quarter and expect a lot of people to sue the company because all of your products are crap. This little stunt will likely get you to the front page of the Wall Street Journal and maybe even an appearance on "The Colbert Report" if you play your cards right.

-Sign a $20 million contract with the New York Yankees and then strike out every time you get up and make at least 10 fielding errors every game for the entire season. They will have paid too much for you to be able to justify benching you. To increase your media exposure, bad-mouth your teammates at every opportunity.

Wardrobe malfunction -Convince the NFL to allow you to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show. Get a bad microphone that screeches like nails on a chalkboard. Sing offensively off-key. Rip off a clothing article that reveals someone's breast. Stop suddenly in the middle of a song and declare, "Whoops, I forgot the words!" People love bad performances, and 100 million or so people will be watching. Jackpot.

3) Imitate other celebrities
This really applies to any goal. Want to be a great swimmer? Easy - just do things exactly like Michael Phelps does. Imitate his form and swim the 100 meter freestyle in 47 seconds. Easy Olympic gold medal right there. Want to be a great poker player? Learn the tricks of Doyle Brunson and Johnny Chan and you'll be taking home the big World Series prize in no time. Want to be great at being famous? Just do what those who have succeeded in becoming famous do.

For example:

-Keep people guessing what you're going to do next. Rapidly gain and lose weight. Do as many different drugs as possible and check in and out of rehab at least once a month. Make sure your blood alcohol level is at least .15 every time you drive.
Brangelina with stupidly named kids
-Adopt a bunch of kids from all over the world and name them the most ridiculous names possible.

-Send photos of yourself walking around Hollywood or Manhattan's West Village to Us Weekly every week. Appear with other celebrities if possible.

-Drive a Prius.

4) Come up with a catch phrase
This has worked like a charm for many people in the past. Take for example "Hasta la vista, baby" (Arnold Schwarzenegger), "Suck it, Trebek!" (Sean Connery), and "It's Britney, bitch" (Britney Spears). These people would never have become famous had they not come up with these catch phrases. When deciding which catch phrase to pick, remember to keep it brief, and the more controversial or offensive, the better. Something like "Buffalo this, motherf***ers!" might be a good choice.

5) Write an awesome blog Buffalo This logoThis will rocket you straight to the top of the A-list. Trust me.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Upcoming mergers

These days, everyone's trying to join forces and consolidate their operations. With all this mergin' going on, you may wonder what the e-"mergin'"-cy is (zing!). The answer lies in an old proverb: "United we stand, divided we conquer"...or something like that. Like I told you before, the amount of matter is all that matters. Get big or get the hell out.

So for your edification, here is a handy guide to keep you on top of five major upcoming mergers in the world:

1) Country music and hip-hop
Pop quiz, hotshot! Try to classify the following lyrics as country or hip-hop/R&B:
a) "If you wanna go on back to the holler, holler back!"
b) "That honky tonk badonkadonk..."
c) "Country girls are the kind of girl they like."
d) "What you think we live on a farm?"

Believe it or not, lyrics (a) and (b) are from country songs, specifically The Lost Trailers - "Holler Back" and Trace Adkins - "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk," despite the hardcore ghetto slang. On the other hand, lyrics (c) and (d) are hip-hop/R&B songs: Destiny's Child - "Soldier" and Nelly - "Midwest Swing," despite the rural references. The line between country music and hip-hop has always been a fuzzy one: popular artists such as Kid Rock, Ja Rule, Alan Jackson, Snoop Dogg, George Strait, and Kenny G have always been difficult to categorize as one or the other. The fact is that these two similar genres are gradually merging into one, making it nearly impossible to determine when you're extremely plastered whether you're in a trendy hip-hop nightclub in New York or a backwater honky tonk in rural Mississippi.

2) Your car and the rest of the traffic when you're getting onto the highway
This is one time when I strongly recommend you merge. Remember to check your mirrors and look over your shoulder. Never, EVER forget that the cars already traveling on the highway have the right of way!

3) Vegetables, spices, and cheeses

Every day you hear of a new merger between food products. Four cheese pizza, V8 juice, sixteen spice chicken, and so on. Eventually there's only going to be one vegetable conglomerate, one spice conglomerate, and one super Frankencheese. Then those three will merge into one food. Imagine how painful life will be when you can no longer pick from an artisanal cheese selection at The French Laundry every weekend, or when your personal chef lacks a few of of the ingredients needed to prepare you world-class cuisine every day in your oceanfront Malibu mansion. Oh, the humanity! We are looking at a boring, tasteless future if we allow this disturbing trend to continue.

4) General Motors-InBev-Verizon-Google-McDonald's-Revlon-Gillette
This super-merger combines almost all your daily needs into one mega-conglomerate. Why waste time talking on your phone, surfing the internet, eating, and applying make-up/shaving separately when you can do them all at the same time, in your car! And have a few beers while you're at it! However, make sure you merge onto the highway correctly - I recommend using your knees to control the steering wheel.

5) Humans and computers
We're all going to become human-computer hybrids within 30 years or so, according to some leading futurists. That means we are all going to talk and dance and play beirut/beer pong exactly like robots and have names like Norbotron870B. This is good news if you're a nerd and bad news if you fall into one of the following categories: jocks, skaters, posers, thugs, or cheerleaders. No word yet on the projected effect on goths or preps. All I know is one thing - if I'm going to become a hybrid, I hope it's not one of those god-awful Toyota Priuses!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Word on the street #3: Unattractive people

Linda TrippSometimes you see someone who is just straight up uuuuuuggggly. Later on, you may try to describe to a friend that person's appearance, saying something like, "Dude, I'm telling you, this person I saw was ugly." People are curious by nature, however, and as such, your friend may wonder exactly how ugly this person was, and in what way. Are we talking Frankenstein or Linda Tripp? In this case, you may be at a loss for words. As usual, I am here to the rescue with a guide to the different ways you can describe a person's physical unattractiveness, listed from most offensive to least.

10) Tore up from the floor up
This is the worst, because it eliminates the possibility that any part of the person is attractive or even acceptable, including their ankles, elbows, and ears.

weather beatenthermometer9) Weather-beaten
Ever seen a picture of someone who's just survived a major hurricane or tsunami? They don't exactly look like models at a fashion show, that's for sure.

8) Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down
Means the person was born ugly and then it was all downhill from there. Combines the worst of both worlds: bad genes and a bad environment.

7) Jacked up

Implies that it's just wrong that any person is that ugly, a slap on the face of God himself. Similar in offensiveness to "train wreck."

6) Broke down
Not good for a car, even worse for a person. Conjures up the image of a ratty rusted-out 1968 VW Beetle sitting in some dirty hippie's front yard.

5) Wrecked/Busted/Beat
These all fall into the category of something that's not working properly or has been damaged. Not the most flattering way to describe a person.

4) Haggard
A bad one, but you can often deftly play it off by saying, "Oh, I meant to say she looks like Mariska Hargitay...from Law & Order: SVU." You know, because "Hargitay" sounds like "haggard-y."
3) Penny piece
Just like a "dime piece" refers to a girl who gets a perfect 10 out of 10, a "penny piece" refers to one who gets a totally imperfect 1 out of 10. Would be more offensive if more people knew what it meant.

2) Struggling
This one depends on how you say it. If you drag out the "u," as in "Damn, she's struuuuuuuugglin'!" it might move up the list a few spots.

1) Great personality

The most polite way to avoid calling someone "ugly" is to complement some other aspect of that person, usually their personality. If you need to describe someone and the only adjectives you can think of are the ones listed above, the "great personality" route is an old standby that always does the trick. Please note that it does not matter if this person's personality is really that great, you just want to take the focus off his/her looks.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Stuff Hippies Like (#3)

old dirty hippies
The third part in our series of blatant rip-offs is dedicated to dirty, stinking, tree-hugging, acid-dropping hippies. Here we go with some stuff hippies like...

marijuana leafWeed
This is not news to anyone. Let's move on.

Long, weird names
Do you have a friend who is dirty, smokes a lot of pot, wears tye-dye, is vegan, lives in San Francisco, and is named Rainbow Sunflower Stevenson-McGee-Smith-Jones? If so, there is a decent chance that that person is in fact a hippie. The truth is that hippies love long names and names that have to do with peaceful natural phenomena. Flowers, birds, rainbows, and characters from "My Little Ponies" are popular choices. Hurricanes, tsunamis, and supervolcanoes are not. Hippies also will always hyphenate last names because they do not want to conform to the sexist convention of just taking the father's last name. If hippies are not allowed to interbreed with other types of human beings (which they rarely do anyway), the string of hyphenated last names will grow exponentially with each generation and cannot be stopped. Seventh- and eighth-generation hippies often have trouble in school, not just because they smoke a lot of pot, but also because it may take them up to half of the time alotted for a test simply to write their names at the top.

Living in a van down by the river
If there are two things hippies love (besides weed), it's spray-painted, bumper sticker covered vans and being close to nature. The threats of Matt Foley, motivational speaker would sound like the dream life to a hardcore hippie: a peaceful, natural setting where he/she can spend his/her days in a hallucinogenic haze playing Grateful Dead songs on the guitar and avoiding the evils of society such as red meat, urban sprawl, and productive activities.

hippie van
Pointing out problems, but not actually doing anything about them
If you know a hippie, he/she is probably always saying things like, "Man, we need to stop the corporations. They're taking over the world." or, "Dude, global warming is out of control. We've got to, like, stop polluting the air and stuff." or, "War is bad, man. We need to get out of the Middle East and just let them, like, go with the flow."

Statements like these may lead you to believe that hippies are ardent social activists. This used to be the case in the 1960's, but today's hippies are a different breed. A typical day for a modern-day hippie might go something like this:

11am: Wake up, smoke a bowl.
12pm: Eat a bag of Doritos.
12:30pm: Phish jam session on the guitar.
2pm: Drip acid, then sit on a rock and stare out over the river for 6 hours.
8pm: Smoke a bowl, pig out on some vegan food.
9pm: Smoke hookah while talking/singing with other hippies about problems in the world.
1am: Smoke weed, pass out in front yard.

Note that none of these actions actually contribute anything toward solving any of the problems that hippies love to bring to your attention at every opportunity. However, even modern-day hippies may feel especially motivated a day or two out of each year and may in these cases go so far as to attend a peace rally holding a sign with a creative slogan such as "STOP THE WAR!"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Word on the street #2: Law enforcement

Car Ramrod What seems to be the officer, problem? Having to deal with a law enforcement officer is considered to be the most stressful event once can experience in life, narrowly edging out #2 realizing you're about to be spaghettified by a black hole, and #3 having your entire extended family killed in a fire that was caused by one of those stupid magic tricks you're always trying to show them. Here is a useful guide on which words or phrases you should use when referring to police officers, depending on your desired offensiveness level...

10) Suckas in a uniform waiting to get shot
Police actually used to find this term rather humorous before it was used in N.W.A.'s "F*** Tha Police." Police really do not like that song, although they do consider Ice-T's "Cop Killer" to be rather insightful social commentary.

thermometer9) Pigs
Most of us at one time have experienced the disappointment of going to Krispy Kreme only to realize that a couple of policemen beat you to the punch and totally cleaned the place out of donuts. Bummer. However, resist the temptation to call the offending officers "pigs." Doing so will likely have the same effect as calling your girlfriend the same, followed by snorting sounds, after she asks "Do I look fat in this dress?"

8) The motherf***ing po-pos
Due to the profanity, this one is rather offensive to a police officer, especially one with an Oedipus Complex.

7) The jacket
As Eazy-E says, "I'm tired of the motherf***ing jacket, sweatin' my gang while I'm chillin' in the shack." Police do not like N.W.A. members - see above.

6) BarneyBarney the dinosaur
Usually calling someone the name of a douchey purple dinosaur is the ultimate insult. However, this highly disrespectful term is often forgiven as it is generally used by a type of people that police officers prefer not to arrest, called "white people."

5) The fuzz
This one is totally played out and will make you look over-the-hill. 1976 wants its slang word for "police officer" back.

4) Boys in blue
We all know cops are on a major power trip. Anything that plays down their manhood may result in a flashlight shoved up your tailpipe.

3) The five-O
This comes from the Hawaiian word for "police." Most people don't speak Hawaiian and will have no clue what you're talking about.

2) Cops
A reliable go-to when you're in a pinch and not sure which one to use.

1) Police officers
You pansy. If you use this one, the cops will most likely think you're sucking up because you have something to hide. Prepare for a full body cavity search and possible Rodney King-style beatdown.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The rivalry

Almost every great person or institution in history has had a rival.

Take the following examples: Ali and Frazier

Rivals keep us going and aspire us to be all we can be (sort of like the army in this regard).

Due to the overwhelming success and popularity of this blog, a rival has arisen to challenge the greatness that is "Buffalo This." That rival is "Bison That." This guy is apparently offended by the disrespect I have shown toward bison.

Bison That logo
Apparently he's another celebrity who cares a lot about buffalo, and his name is "Jon." I suspect it may be Jon Stewart. If it is, I have this to say: Stewart, you rascal! Up to your old tricks again, I see? You can't buffalo me with that weak attempt. Go back to your "Daily Show" or whatever that's called. News flash, buddy: nobody watches it! Good luck trying to make it big with that - you'll need it!

Anyway, time will tell whether "Bison That" can prove itself to be a formidable competitor to "Buffalo This." My guess is I'm about to go Ali on his weak Frazier ass.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The big move

Buffalo skyline
Quick update on the status of this blog: I am now officially relocating my home office to Buffalo, New York. This does not mean that I am going to be living in Buffalo (still in the Bay Area), ever traveling to Buffalo (fat chance), or becoming a Buffalo Bills fan (Steelers, baby!). But before you throw your hands up in protest and call me a carpetbagging son of a bitch, please consider the following:

Hillary Clinton-Hillary Clinton claims to be from New York and Arkansas and Illinois and pretty much every other state. I'm a hell of a lot more than a New Yorker than she is.

-Sleazy companies often establish themselves in the Cayman Islands or Delaware to avoid paying taxes and such. However, these companies generally have no physical location, other than maybe a P.O. Box, in these places. Believe me, I used to work for one such company, which was actually less of a "company" and more of a "$1.75 billion Ponzi scheme." I did not get the opportunity to go to our "headquarters" in the Cayman Islands (or even Delaware for that matter), but I did get the great pleasure of slaving over spreadsheets until midnight in the New York City office on many occasions.

-Buffalo doesn't really exist. There may be a Buffalo in the real world, but this is not the real world. It's a simulation. They could have just as easily called California "Buffalo." So what is Buffalo really? It's an abstract construct of some huge supercomputer, represented in zillions of 0's and 1's. Is anyone really "from Buffalo?" Are we all in some way "from Buffalo?" The world may never know.

Even though I am not really "from" what you would call "Buffalo," I bleed Buffalo brown and feel like more of a "Buffalonian" than most buffalo do (although maybe not more than most buffalo Buffalo buffalo).

So without further ado, I now declare: this blog is officially moving to Buffalo! Except not really.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

F***, chuck, or marry?

Zac Efron wearing makeupI'd like to start off by saying that I'm going to censor the word "f***" because I just found out that this blog is required reading for a first grade class in Boise, Idaho. The youth of America are already screwed up enough. I mean, Zac Efron. Seriously, that guy. The one who looks like cross between a busted tranny and of Lindsay Lohan on a bad day with way too much makeup.

Some of you may be aware of the game called "F***, chuck, or marry." This is a sick, twisted game that only brings out the worst in people. Kids these days love it because it can make their friends admit pedophilic tendencies or fetishes having to do with animals or inanimate objects. The rule is that given three choices, you have to pick one to f*** (typically the one you feel the most physical attraction towards), one to chuck (the one you want nothing to do with), and one to marry (the one you feel you'd have the best emotional connection with). When the choices are Jenna Jameson, Rosie O'Donnell, and the nice girl next door, it's a pretty easy game. Not so much when the choices are a 3 pound Maine lobster, your grandma, and a razor-wire fence. Trust me, unless you play this game with 6-year-old Girl Scouts training to be Catholic nuns, you're much more likely to encounter the latter selection than the former.

This game often causes people to honestly state things such as:
"I would definitely marry my little brother." or
"Now that you put it that way, I would want to f*** that bag of rusty nails!"

One major point of confusion to me was that where I come from, "f***" and "chuck" meant more or less the same thing - "chuck" as in "I'd sure like to chuck my junk in her!" (I know, I'm a hopeless romantic.) So when I was younger I often had to clarify this, as in "Whichever one means I want to have sex with it, that would definitely be the three-toed pygmy sloth."

This is the most disturbing children's activity since "High School Musical," which was itself the most disturbing children's activity since the "deez nutz" phenomenon. F***ing, chucking, and marrying are terrible things that should not be done by anyone until at least the age of 30.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The wisdom of old proverbs

Ok, kids, today's topic is old proverbs that can teach us important life lessons. I am now going to go through a few that I find particularly meaningful and discuss what can be learned from them.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
Hey, any projectile can keep someone away if you can throw with enough speed and accuracy. Don't skip out on baseball practice, kids.

George W. Bush"A bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush."
I think this refers to the time Dick Cheney shot some guy after mistaking him for a quail. I'd rather not get into this one because I like to keep things politically neutral around here. It may also have a hidden sexual meaning, because "bird" can mean a woman, and you know what "bush" is. The Italian word for "bird," "uccello," is also slang for the same thing that a certain synonym for "rooster" is slang for in English. In that case I think a "bird" in the "bush" would be worth at least 10 in the hand. This one is rather confusing all-around.

"Every rose has it's thorn, just like every night has it's dawn, just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song; every rose has it's thorn."
This is an ancient adage that dates back to the Babylonian civilization. Basically it means you have to take the good with the bad and the bad with the good. The "cowboy" part is a reference to the struggle with homosexuality that the characters in "Brokeback Mountain" faced, and the repeat of the "every rose has its thorn" part was added in 2007 to make the saying more marketable for the second season of "Rock of Love."

Bambi"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
This one is from "Bambi." Ignore it - it is about a cartoon deer and has no bearing on real life.

"Before you can judge a person, you must first walk a mile with a moccasin."
This is an old Indian proverb (not sure which type of Indian). The actual wording varies. I guess if you suffer through walking a mile with a poisonous snake then you pretty much have the right to judge whoever you damn well please.

T-bone"You can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, but wouldn't you rather just take the bull's word for it?"
This one is from "Tommy Boy," an 1995 classic that swept most of that year's Academy Awards. Reminds me of a similar phrase: "If you shit needle the bull, you're going to get the horns." I think the point here is that anything you do involving a bull's rear end is probably not going to end well for you.

"To be or not to be, that is the question."
Not to be, that is the answer. This is all just a simulation. I don't understand why Shakespeare never figured that out if he was so smart.

buffalo"How much Buffalo buffalo would a Buffalo buffalo buffalo if a Buffalo buffalo could buffalo Buffalo buffalo?"
I could never figure out the answer to this riddle. My best guess is about four. The meaning of this one is supposedly very deep and is definitely way over my head.

Speaking of riddles, here's an old classic...
"If you're flying over the Grand Canyon and your canoe loses a wheel, how many chicken bones does it take to fill a doghouse?"
Purple, of course.

And finally...
"Sometimes you buffalo the buffalo, and sometimes the buffalo buffaloes you."
Amen, brother.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Guess who's back

Seriously, guess who it is. Any clue? Nobody? Bueller? The answer, which may come as a shock to many of you, is me.

What a satisfying four days on the Outer Banks! Just me, my entourage, and the occasional paparazzi photographer trying to snap a photo of me changing into my swim trunks. Life just doesn't get much better than that.

I may have been in Carolina, but my mind was, of course, in Buffalo the entire time.

As the old James Taylor song goes (I think):

In my mind I'm goin' to Buffalo
Can't you see the buffalo?
Can't you just taste the buffalo sauce?
Ain't it just like a buffalo of mine
To buffalo me from behind?
Yes I'm goin' to Buffalo in my mind
You were probably expecting an inspirational, breathtaking, life-altering post today. Too bad. As the old saying goes, sometimes you buffalo the buffalo and sometimes the buffalo buffaloes you. Wait til you see what I've got for you tomorrow though...

Thursday, August 7, 2008

The Beach Boys weigh in

Bad news for people who can't live without this award-winning, inspirational, Pulitzer-worthy blog: I'm going to the beach for awhile, so I won't be posting anything until Wednesday (sound of people fainting). Calm down, it's ok, you'll survive - I think. In the meantime, try reading this blog, or maybe this one, to hold you over.

Before I go though, let me leave you with a little tune I used to relax and listen to while lounging on the shores of Lake Erie, enjoying some wings at the Anchor Bar, or barreling over Niagara Falls. It was inspired by an old Beach Boys song.

Niagara Falls barrel
(begin island rhythm)

Northwest of NYC
There's a place called Buffalo
That's where you wanna go
To see some buffalo

Buffalo sauce in your hand
Buffalo roam across the land
You can watch all the buffalo
Buffalo Buffalo buffalo
Way up in Buffalo

Rochester, Syracuse
Don't make any excuse
If you're in Erie or Cleveland
It's time to be leavin'
Albany or Scranton...
Ooo I want to take you up to Buffalo
We'll find some buffalo to buffalo
Then cover all of them in buffalo
And watch them buffalo

Right across the "eau"
There's a place called Toronto
Full of Freedom Canadians
That's not where you wanna go
Just stay in Buffalo


Eat some buffalo wings
Watch buffalo buffalo all kinds of things
See "buffalo" in all its meanings
Enjoy whatever it brings
Way up in Buffalo

(To tune of chorus)
Buffalo buffalo bu-u-u-u-ffalo
Buffalo buffalo bu-u-u-u-ffalo
Buffalo buffalo bu-u-u-u-ffalo
Buffalo buffalo...
Ooo I want to take you up to Buffalo
We'll find some buffalo to buffalo...
(fade out)

Brian Wilson - Beach Boys Brian Wilson - Giants
I'd like to thank Brian Wilson for that little chestnut, who if you don't know was a member of the Beach Boys and later went on to become a pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. Speaking of which...more pop culture stars in baseball!?! Come on!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Word on the street #1: Your wife

I would now like to introduce a new series of posts called "word on the street." These are meant to be a guide for which slang word or phrase to use at what time depending on your desired offensiveness level. Just like the Eskimos have 20 or so words for snow, Americans have dozens of words for "prostitute" or "police officer," to name a few. You should generally read these from the bottom up, because let's face it: if it's not offensive, it's just not that interesting.

As you probably know, the world's foremost master of the English language is...wait, who was it seems to have slipped my mind...ah To avoid selling myself short, however, I should also inform you that I am a master of every other language that exists or ever existed on Earth. In fact, I have invented or improved linguistic masterpiece sentences in Italian ("Nelly è negli anelli pelle pelle di Pelé."), French - I mean Freedom ("Vous allez aller à l'école."), and ancient Chinese (Lion-eating poet in the stone den). My contribution to the last one was adding the modern Mandarin slang word "shĭ," which roughly translates as "shit," changing the subject of the sentence to "Shit-eating poet in the stone den."

But back to English, the only language that really matters (according to me - and Geno's Steaks). Here are 10 ways to refer to your wife, from the one that is most likely to get you into the doghouse to the one that's most likely to get your "dog" into the "house," if you know what I mean (ok, that's a bit of a stretch (That's what she said!)).

10) Hitler
Likening your wife to arguably the most evil human being ever to walk the earth? Probably not the best idea if you're hoping to get laid again this century.

thermometer9) Just some girl I know
As in the following:
Hot girl at bar: "Who was that calling?"
You: "Oh, just some girl I know. Don't worry about it."
Women hate when you minimize the relationship. If you tell her you are less than 100.000000% sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and write letters to your parents every day about how she's the greatest thing that every happened to you, expect a hysterical fit to follow.

8) The boss
If there's one thing women love, it's controlling every aspect of your life while keeping up the facade that they are the "cool" wife or girlfriend that lets you do whatever you want. Calling her "the boss" exposes this facade for what it is.

7) The old lady
Women do not appreciate being called "old" in any circumstances. You might be better off referring to her as "that young, hot 19-year-old girl," but then again you might also get smacked if she doesn't realize you're talking about her. Just avoid any age-related references if you can help it.

6) The old B&C
Again you're calling her old, and women are also very offended when you refer to them by acronyms or abbreviations. Just don't, m'kay?

5) The ball and chainball and chain
This can be offensive for the same reason as "the boss," but "ball and chain" can lighten the mood because it is a clever metaphor and also because it might bring to mind images of kinky outfits and bondage games.

4) My biznitch
While "bitch" is considered offensive to some people when used in reference to a woman, when you throw the "izn" in the middle of it, people aren't offended, they just think you are an idiot.

3) Wifey
This is obviously a ripoff from a Next song, and not even the funny one about popping a boner on the dance floor. Your wife might consider it mildly cute, but your buddies will just think you're corny and unoriginal.

2) My better half
Cheesier than the offerings at a Wisconsin farmer's market. Why don't you just take over as lead singer for Lonestar while you're at it?

1) The love of my life
Did it hurt having your testicles removed?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Stuff Buffalo Like (#2)

You knew this was coming. The second part in our who-the-hell-knows-how-many part series "Stuff _____ Like" is dedicated to our big, furry, brown friends who give meaning to our otherwise mundane and worthless lives: buffalo!

There are few things a buffalo enjoys more than an interesting, grammatically flawless, and cleverly worded sentence. It probably comes as no surprise to you that buffalo find the buffalo phenomenon very fascinating and are honored to have the privilege of being part of the English language's greatest and most notable linguistic masterpiece. In fact, I recently had the honor of being able to journey to Buffalo, NY for Buffalofest '08, where several buffalo that were buffaloed by other buffalo buffaloed other buffalo that were occasionally buffaloed by other buffalo. They were all covered in hot wing sauce and buffaloed the other buffalo in the traditional style of the city. I think the play-by-play announcer, Dick Vitale, gave quite an accurate description of the event:
Buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo. It's awesome baby!
That's basically what happened, more or less.

Buffaloing buffalo - do NOT try this at home:
Do Not Buffalo Buffalo
Almost going extinct, then coming back like Jordan, wearing the 45
The fact is that nobody cares about animals that aren't and/or weren't at one time endangered. Take deer for example. People are always killing them with guns and cars, and most people are absolutely disgusted by the sight of one and will often vomit uncontrollably. Everyone hates them. It is almost ridiculous to suggest that the noble buffalo could possibly be placed on the same whatever-the-opposite-of-a-pedestal-is as the lowly, vile, abhorrent deer, but in another simulated world, that may have easily come to pass. In the late 19th to early 20th century, buffalo were almost hunted to extinction by settlers and were often killed for their fur, meat, or bones, or in street fights between rival gangs. In 1905 the Buffalo king approached American president Teddy Roosevelt and revealed to him the ancient secret of the buffalo phenomenon. Roosevelt was so awestruck that he declared that killing a buffalo was to be made a federal offense punishable by slow, painful death. The buffalo population soon rebounded and buffalo ascended to an almost godlike status in the minds of the American public. What a shrewd, cunning move on the part of the buffalo. Of course I would expect no less from them.

Being called "buffalo" rather than "bison"
The following piece of artwork demonstrates the difference between a buffalo and a bi son:
bi son
Buffalo do not take kindly to being called "bison," "bi son," "carpet-munching daughter," or "unloved, confused transsexual hermaphrodite offspring." I suggest not making this mistake if you don't want to be blacklisted by all buffalo worldwide.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sucker bet

Being one of the world's foremost celebrities and most brilliant and revolutionary scientific minds, I decided to follow in the footsteps of other great celebrities/thinkers out there (Warren Buffett, Ted Danson, Brian Eno, Freeman Dyson, Ray Kurzweil, etc) and place a bet on

Here is the bet:
LHC Long Bet
As you can see, I win if the Large Hadron Collider does not destroy Earth, and my opponent, Joe Keane, wins if it does. Now of course you're probably thinking, "Wait a minute! You said the LHC probably would destroy this planet!" - and you would be right. However, there is one factor you probably haven't considered: if he wins the bet, it's not going to matter because chances are none of us will be alive anymore! Yes, I am a brilliant master of trickery who makes buffaloing the unbuffaloable look like child's play.

At first I thought this guy was "Joe Keane" (get it - "joking") with this bet, but $500 says he isn't. So I really hope the world doesn't get destroyed, because I could really use that $500 to pay down the loan on my Mazda 3!

Now I should clarify one thing: no matter who wins the bet, both of us have to contribute $500 to the charity of the winner, so neither of us stands to profit from this wager, especially not the other guy, since money won't really matter much after the entire earth has been sucked into a black hole.

So in the unlikely event that the world does still exist in 2018, $1000 will go to Save the Children thanks to my noble, selfless, heroic efforts. Oh, stop it, stop it. Most charitable person in the world? No, no, really, stop it. What? Nobel Peace Prize? No, there's no way I...well, maybe. All right, I admit, I'm basically the reincarnation of Gandhi - except much more humble.

Click here to see the actual bet on the website. No, this is not a publicity stunt. Oh, who am I kidding - everything I do is a publicity stunt.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Stuff People Like (#1): The first of many rip-offs

Fonzie jumps the shark
Sometimes you run out of good ideas and have to resort to ripping someone off. Other times, you have plenty of good ideas, but what the hell, you feel like ripping someone off anyway for no particular reason. This is one of the latter times.

One of my favorite blogs out there is Stuff White People Like. This blog is not nearly as popular as mine (he doesn't even have 40 million hits yet), but it has pretty good content for a blog that nobody really reads. There are other ripoffs such as "Stuff Black People Like" and "Stuff Asian People Like," which I am not going to link to out of principle because they are blatant rip-offs and I don't condone that type of behavior.

Now for my own blatant rip-off: I am going to do a however-many-I-feel-like part series on "Stuff ______ Like," where each new episode investigates several distinct preferences of a specific demographic group. So here we go with "Stuff People Like," where you will learn about three things that human beings in general enjoy...

Warming up the environment
People have always made attempts to increase the temperature of their environment. The first advance toward this goal was the invention of fire, which could warm up a local area and also had the great side effect of being able to destroy incriminating evidence. A quantum leap forward was made in 1973, when scientists invented carbon dioxide, a mysterious gas that in large amounts has the ability to warm up the entire atmosphere of the earth. Even better, they discovered that it was really easy to make cars and and factories produce a bunch of this stuff. Jackpot! With this the quest to warm up the globe began. This mission was supported by everyone except Californian yuppies, who think their climate is already warm enough and consequently all drive Toyota Priuses, and Al Gore, whose thick layer of blubber allows him to be comfortable at temperatures as low as 30 degrees below zero Fahrenheit.

Frequently flip-flopping on whether they want to accrete matterflip flop
If you attempt to track a person's attitude regarding whether he/she wants to gain or lose mass, you're probably going to see more flip-flops than you would if you watched a John Kerry/John McCain debate in front of 10,000 people on South Beach. It is not uncommon to witness a person ravenously gruffle down a double bacon cheeseburger and large fries, and then make a self-contradictory statement like, "Damn! I need to lose these thunder thighs before bikini season." only a few hours later. People are rather silly in this regard. According to my research, the competing forces at play here are the natural human instinct to accrete matter and the need to fit into cars, doorways, and other tight spaces.

Volunteering useless information
One crazy thing about people is that they love to provide useless information to those around them. In fact, 64% of things people say fall into one of the two following categories: stuff nobody cares about or obvious statements. Take the following examples:

1) Stuff nobody cares about:
"I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2008." -Bob Barr
"Hey everyone! I'm going to jump off this bridge! I'm serious - I'll do it!"
"Amy Winehouse just (insert any action here)."
"Remember to make sure that the cooling mechanism is working before you turn on the nuclear reactor."

2) Obvious statements:Captain Obvious
"My favorite blog is definitely 'Buffalo This.'" -any human being
"This is a robbery! Get down on the floor!"
"That was really awkward when you accidentally shit needled that random guy thinking he was Timmy."
"If we can just score some points and stop them on defense, we've got a good chance to win this game!"
"Buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

These are all highly unnecessary statements. If you are a person, you probably enjoy saying these type of things (sorry for the species stereotype), but there is no reason to do so. Before you say anything, I recommend you think the following: "Do all 6 billion people in the world already know this fact?" and "Do any of the 6 billion people in the world actually give a damn about what I'm about to say?" If the answers are "yes" or "no," respectively, then please do the rest of humanity a favor and SHUT UP!

...and with that, my friends, this blog has officially jumped the shark.
Who links to me?