Stuff Hippies Like (#3)

The third part in our series of blatant rip-offs is dedicated to dirty, stinking, tree-hugging, acid-dropping hippies. Here we go with some stuff hippies like...

Weed
This is not news to anyone. Let's move on.

Long, weird names

Do you have a friend who is dirty, smokes a lot of pot, wears tye-dye, is vegan, lives in San Francisco, and is named Rainbow Sunflower Stevenson-McGee-Smith-Jones? If so, there is a decent chance that that person is in fact a hippie. The truth is that hippies love long names and names that have to do with peaceful natural phenomena. Flowers, birds, rainbows, and characters from "My Little Ponies" are popular choices. Hurricanes, tsunamis, and supervolcanoes are not. Hippies also will always hyphenate last names because they do not want to conform to the sexist convention of just taking the father's last name. If hippies are not allowed to interbreed with other types of human beings (which they rarely do anyway), the string of hyphenated last names will grow exponentially with each generation and cannot be stopped. Seventh- and eighth-generation hippies often have trouble in school, not just because they smoke a lot of pot, but also because it may take them up to half of the time alotted for a test simply to write their names at the top.

Living in a van down by the river

If there are two things hippies love (besides weed), it's spray-painted, bumper sticker covered vans and being close to nature. The threats of Matt Foley, motivational speaker would sound like the dream life to a hardcore hippie: a peaceful, natural setting where he/she can spend his/her days in a hallucinogenic haze playing Grateful Dead songs on the guitar and avoiding the evils of society such as red meat, urban sprawl, and productive activities.

Pointing out problems, but not actually doing anything about them

If you know a hippie, he/she is probably always saying things like, "Man, we need to stop the corporations. They're taking over the world." or, "Dude, global warming is out of control. We've got to, like, stop polluting the air and stuff." or, "War is bad, man. We need to get out of the Middle East and just let them, like, go with the flow."

Statements like these may lead you to believe that hippies are ardent social activists. This used to be the case in the 1960's, but today's hippies are a different breed. A typical day for a modern-day hippie might go something like this:

11am: Wake up, smoke a bowl.

12pm: Eat a bag of Doritos.

12:30pm: Phish jam session on the guitar.

2pm: Drip acid, then sit on a rock and stare out over the river for 6 hours.

8pm: Smoke a bowl, pig out on some vegan food.

9pm: Smoke hookah while talking/singing with other hippies about problems in the world.

1am: Smoke weed, pass out in front yard.

Note that none of these actions actually contribute anything toward solving any of the problems that hippies love to bring to your attention at every opportunity. However, even modern-day hippies may feel especially motivated a day or two out of each year and may in these cases go so far as to attend a peace rally holding a sign with a creative slogan such as "STOP THE WAR!"