Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Word on the street #2: Law enforcement

Car Ramrod What seems to be the officer, problem? Having to deal with a law enforcement officer is considered to be the most stressful event once can experience in life, narrowly edging out #2 realizing you're about to be spaghettified by a black hole, and #3 having your entire extended family killed in a fire that was caused by one of those stupid magic tricks you're always trying to show them. Here is a useful guide on which words or phrases you should use when referring to police officers, depending on your desired offensiveness level...

10) Suckas in a uniform waiting to get shot
Police actually used to find this term rather humorous before it was used in N.W.A.'s "F*** Tha Police." Police really do not like that song, although they do consider Ice-T's "Cop Killer" to be rather insightful social commentary.

thermometer9) Pigs
Most of us at one time have experienced the disappointment of going to Krispy Kreme only to realize that a couple of policemen beat you to the punch and totally cleaned the place out of donuts. Bummer. However, resist the temptation to call the offending officers "pigs." Doing so will likely have the same effect as calling your girlfriend the same, followed by snorting sounds, after she asks "Do I look fat in this dress?"

8) The motherf***ing po-pos
Due to the profanity, this one is rather offensive to a police officer, especially one with an Oedipus Complex.

7) The jacket
As Eazy-E says, "I'm tired of the motherf***ing jacket, sweatin' my gang while I'm chillin' in the shack." Police do not like N.W.A. members - see above.

6) BarneyBarney the dinosaur
Usually calling someone the name of a douchey purple dinosaur is the ultimate insult. However, this highly disrespectful term is often forgiven as it is generally used by a type of people that police officers prefer not to arrest, called "white people."

5) The fuzz
This one is totally played out and will make you look over-the-hill. 1976 wants its slang word for "police officer" back.

4) Boys in blue
We all know cops are on a major power trip. Anything that plays down their manhood may result in a flashlight shoved up your tailpipe.

3) The five-O
This comes from the Hawaiian word for "police." Most people don't speak Hawaiian and will have no clue what you're talking about.

2) Cops
A reliable go-to when you're in a pinch and not sure which one to use.

1) Police officers
You pansy. If you use this one, the cops will most likely think you're sucking up because you have something to hide. Prepare for a full body cavity search and possible Rodney King-style beatdown.

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