Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Stuff Buffalo Like (#2)

You knew this was coming. The second part in our who-the-hell-knows-how-many part series "Stuff _____ Like" is dedicated to our big, furry, brown friends who give meaning to our otherwise mundane and worthless lives: buffalo!

There are few things a buffalo enjoys more than an interesting, grammatically flawless, and cleverly worded sentence. It probably comes as no surprise to you that buffalo find the buffalo phenomenon very fascinating and are honored to have the privilege of being part of the English language's greatest and most notable linguistic masterpiece. In fact, I recently had the honor of being able to journey to Buffalo, NY for Buffalofest '08, where several buffalo that were buffaloed by other buffalo buffaloed other buffalo that were occasionally buffaloed by other buffalo. They were all covered in hot wing sauce and buffaloed the other buffalo in the traditional style of the city. I think the play-by-play announcer, Dick Vitale, gave quite an accurate description of the event:
Buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo. It's awesome baby!
That's basically what happened, more or less.

Buffaloing buffalo - do NOT try this at home:
Do Not Buffalo Buffalo
Almost going extinct, then coming back like Jordan, wearing the 45
The fact is that nobody cares about animals that aren't and/or weren't at one time endangered. Take deer for example. People are always killing them with guns and cars, and most people are absolutely disgusted by the sight of one and will often vomit uncontrollably. Everyone hates them. It is almost ridiculous to suggest that the noble buffalo could possibly be placed on the same whatever-the-opposite-of-a-pedestal-is as the lowly, vile, abhorrent deer, but in another simulated world, that may have easily come to pass. In the late 19th to early 20th century, buffalo were almost hunted to extinction by settlers and were often killed for their fur, meat, or bones, or in street fights between rival gangs. In 1905 the Buffalo king approached American president Teddy Roosevelt and revealed to him the ancient secret of the buffalo phenomenon. Roosevelt was so awestruck that he declared that killing a buffalo was to be made a federal offense punishable by slow, painful death. The buffalo population soon rebounded and buffalo ascended to an almost godlike status in the minds of the American public. What a shrewd, cunning move on the part of the buffalo. Of course I would expect no less from them.

Being called "buffalo" rather than "bison"
The following piece of artwork demonstrates the difference between a buffalo and a bi son:
bi son
Buffalo do not take kindly to being called "bison," "bi son," "carpet-munching daughter," or "unloved, confused transsexual hermaphrodite offspring." I suggest not making this mistake if you don't want to be blacklisted by all buffalo worldwide.

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