Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Upcoming mergers

These days, everyone's trying to join forces and consolidate their operations. With all this mergin' going on, you may wonder what the e-"mergin'"-cy is (zing!). The answer lies in an old proverb: "United we stand, divided we conquer"...or something like that. Like I told you before, the amount of matter is all that matters. Get big or get the hell out.

So for your edification, here is a handy guide to keep you on top of five major upcoming mergers in the world:

1) Country music and hip-hop
Pop quiz, hotshot! Try to classify the following lyrics as country or hip-hop/R&B:
a) "If you wanna go on back to the holler, holler back!"
b) "That honky tonk badonkadonk..."
c) "Country girls are the kind of girl they like."
d) "What you think we live on a farm?"

Believe it or not, lyrics (a) and (b) are from country songs, specifically The Lost Trailers - "Holler Back" and Trace Adkins - "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk," despite the hardcore ghetto slang. On the other hand, lyrics (c) and (d) are hip-hop/R&B songs: Destiny's Child - "Soldier" and Nelly - "Midwest Swing," despite the rural references. The line between country music and hip-hop has always been a fuzzy one: popular artists such as Kid Rock, Ja Rule, Alan Jackson, Snoop Dogg, George Strait, and Kenny G have always been difficult to categorize as one or the other. The fact is that these two similar genres are gradually merging into one, making it nearly impossible to determine when you're extremely plastered whether you're in a trendy hip-hop nightclub in New York or a backwater honky tonk in rural Mississippi.

2) Your car and the rest of the traffic when you're getting onto the highway
This is one time when I strongly recommend you merge. Remember to check your mirrors and look over your shoulder. Never, EVER forget that the cars already traveling on the highway have the right of way!

3) Vegetables, spices, and cheeses

Every day you hear of a new merger between food products. Four cheese pizza, V8 juice, sixteen spice chicken, and so on. Eventually there's only going to be one vegetable conglomerate, one spice conglomerate, and one super Frankencheese. Then those three will merge into one food. Imagine how painful life will be when you can no longer pick from an artisanal cheese selection at The French Laundry every weekend, or when your personal chef lacks a few of of the ingredients needed to prepare you world-class cuisine every day in your oceanfront Malibu mansion. Oh, the humanity! We are looking at a boring, tasteless future if we allow this disturbing trend to continue.

4) General Motors-InBev-Verizon-Google-McDonald's-Revlon-Gillette
This super-merger combines almost all your daily needs into one mega-conglomerate. Why waste time talking on your phone, surfing the internet, eating, and applying make-up/shaving separately when you can do them all at the same time, in your car! And have a few beers while you're at it! However, make sure you merge onto the highway correctly - I recommend using your knees to control the steering wheel.

5) Humans and computers
We're all going to become human-computer hybrids within 30 years or so, according to some leading futurists. That means we are all going to talk and dance and play beirut/beer pong exactly like robots and have names like Norbotron870B. This is good news if you're a nerd and bad news if you fall into one of the following categories: jocks, skaters, posers, thugs, or cheerleaders. No word yet on the projected effect on goths or preps. All I know is one thing - if I'm going to become a hybrid, I hope it's not one of those god-awful Toyota Priuses!

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