Saturday, August 16, 2008

F***, chuck, or marry?

Zac Efron wearing makeupI'd like to start off by saying that I'm going to censor the word "f***" because I just found out that this blog is required reading for a first grade class in Boise, Idaho. The youth of America are already screwed up enough. I mean, Zac Efron. Seriously, that guy. The one who looks like cross between a busted tranny and of Lindsay Lohan on a bad day with way too much makeup.

Some of you may be aware of the game called "F***, chuck, or marry." This is a sick, twisted game that only brings out the worst in people. Kids these days love it because it can make their friends admit pedophilic tendencies or fetishes having to do with animals or inanimate objects. The rule is that given three choices, you have to pick one to f*** (typically the one you feel the most physical attraction towards), one to chuck (the one you want nothing to do with), and one to marry (the one you feel you'd have the best emotional connection with). When the choices are Jenna Jameson, Rosie O'Donnell, and the nice girl next door, it's a pretty easy game. Not so much when the choices are a 3 pound Maine lobster, your grandma, and a razor-wire fence. Trust me, unless you play this game with 6-year-old Girl Scouts training to be Catholic nuns, you're much more likely to encounter the latter selection than the former.

This game often causes people to honestly state things such as:
"I would definitely marry my little brother." or
"Now that you put it that way, I would want to f*** that bag of rusty nails!"

One major point of confusion to me was that where I come from, "f***" and "chuck" meant more or less the same thing - "chuck" as in "I'd sure like to chuck my junk in her!" (I know, I'm a hopeless romantic.) So when I was younger I often had to clarify this, as in "Whichever one means I want to have sex with it, that would definitely be the three-toed pygmy sloth."

This is the most disturbing children's activity since "High School Musical," which was itself the most disturbing children's activity since the "deez nutz" phenomenon. F***ing, chucking, and marrying are terrible things that should not be done by anyone until at least the age of 30.

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