The wisdom of old proverbs

Ok, kids, today's topic is old proverbs that can teach us important life lessons. I am now going to go through a few that I find particularly meaningful and discuss what can be learned from them.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

Hey, any projectile can keep someone away if you can throw with enough speed and accuracy. Don't skip out on baseball practice, kids.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush."

I think this refers to the time Dick Cheney shot some guy after mistaking him for a quail. I'd rather not get into this one because I like to keep things politically neutral around here. It may also have a hidden sexual meaning, because "bird" can mean a woman, and you know what "bush" is. The Italian word for "bird," "uccello," is also slang for the same thing that a certain synonym for "rooster" is slang for in English. In that case I think a "bird" in the "bush" would be worth at least 10 in the hand. This one is rather confusing all-around.

"Every rose has it's thorn, just like every night has it's dawn, just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song; every rose has it's thorn."

This is an ancient adage that dates back to the Babylonian civilization. Basically it means you have to take the good with the bad and the bad with the good. The "cowboy" part is a reference to the struggle with homosexuality that the characters in "Brokeback Mountain" faced, and the repeat of the "every rose has its thorn" part was added in 2007 to make the saying more marketable for the second season of "Rock of Love."

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
This one is from "Bambi." Ignore it - it is about a cartoon deer and has no bearing on real life.

"Before you can judge a person, you must first walk a mile with a moccasin."
This is an old Indian proverb (not sure which type of Indian). The actual wording varies. I guess if you suffer through walking a mile with a poisonous snake then you pretty much have the right to judge whoever you damn well please.

"You can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, but wouldn't you rather just take the bull's word for it?"

This one is from "Tommy Boy," an 1995 classic that swept most of that year's Academy Awards. Reminds me of a similar phrase: "If you shit needle the bull, you're going to get the horns." I think the point here is that anything you do involving a bull's rear end is probably not going to end well for you.

"To be or not to be, that is the question."

Not to be, that is the answer. This is all just a simulation. I don't understand why Shakespeare never figured that out if he was so smart.

"How much Buffalo buffalo would a Buffalo buffalo buffalo if a Buffalo buffalo could buffalo Buffalo buffalo?"
I could never figure out the answer to this riddle. My best guess is about four. The meaning of this one is supposedly very deep and is definitely way over my head.

Speaking of riddles, here's an old classic...
"If you're flying over the Grand Canyon and your canoe loses a wheel, how many chicken bones does it take to fill a doghouse?"
Purple, of course.

And finally...
"Sometimes you buffalo the buffalo, and sometimes the buffalo buffaloes you."

Amen, brother.