Word on the street #1: Your wife

I would now like to introduce a new series of posts called "word on the street." These are meant to be a guide for which slang word or phrase to use at what time depending on your desired offensiveness level. Just like the Eskimos have 20 or so words for snow, Americans have dozens of words for "prostitute" or "police officer," to name a few. You should generally read these from the bottom up, because let's face it: if it's not offensive, it's just not that interesting.

As you probably know, the world's foremost master of the English language is...wait, who was it again...it seems to have slipped my mind...ah yes...me. To avoid selling myself short, however, I should also inform you that I am a master of every other language that exists or ever existed on Earth. In fact, I have invented or improved linguistic masterpiece sentences in Italian ("Nelly è negli anelli pelle pelle di Pelé."), French - I mean Freedom ("Vous allez aller à l'école."), and ancient Chinese (Lion-eating poet in the stone den). My contribution to the last one was adding the modern Mandarin slang word "shĭ," which roughly translates as "shit," changing the subject of the sentence to "Shit-eating poet in the stone den."

But back to English, the only language that really matters (according to me - and Geno's Steaks). Here are 10 ways to refer to your wife, from the one that is most likely to get you into the doghouse to the one that's most likely to get your "dog" into the "house," if you know what I mean (ok, that's a bit of a stretch (That's what she said!)).

10) Hitler
Likening your wife to arguably the most evil human being ever to walk the earth? Probably not the best idea if you're hoping to get laid again this century.

9) Just some girl I know

As in the following:

Hot girl at bar: "Who was that calling?"

You: "Oh, just some girl I know. Don't worry about it."

Women hate when you minimize the relationship. If you tell her you are less than 100.000000% sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and write letters to your parents every day about how she's the greatest thing that every happened to you, expect a hysterical fit to follow.

8) The boss

If there's one thing women love, it's controlling every aspect of your life while keeping up the facade that they are the "cool" wife or girlfriend that lets you do whatever you want. Calling her "the boss" exposes this facade for what it is.

7) The old lady

Women do not appreciate being called "old" in any circumstances. You might be better off referring to her as "that young, hot 19-year-old girl," but then again you might also get smacked if she doesn't realize you're talking about her. Just avoid any age-related references if you can help it.

6) The old B&C

Again you're calling her old, and women are also very offended when you refer to them by acronyms or abbreviations. Just don't, m'kay?

5) The ball and chain

This can be offensive for the same reason as "the boss," but "ball and chain" can lighten the mood because it is a clever metaphor and also because it might bring to mind images of kinky outfits and bondage games.

4) My biznitch

While "bitch" is considered offensive to some people when used in reference to a woman, when you throw the "izn" in the middle of it, people aren't offended, they just think you are an idiot.

3) Wifey

This is obviously a ripoff from a Next song, and not even the funny one about popping a boner on the dance floor. Your wife might consider it mildly cute, but your buddies will just think you're corny and unoriginal.

2) My better half

Cheesier than the offerings at a Wisconsin farmer's market. Why don't you just take over as lead singer for Lonestar while you're at it?

1) The love of my life

Did it hurt having your testicles removed?