What's in a name?

Let me first acknowledge that this post is not what you think. By that I mean that I am not going to write about names with "what" in them. If that's "what" you really want (clever pun once again), I'll give you one: Powhatan. Happy now?

Ok, for those of you who are still with us, I am now going to talk about companies with unfortunate names; names that make you ask yourself, in the words of Jerry Seinfeld, "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?" Here we go...


The general public is pretty stupid, so what better way to market your tech company to them than by saying, "Hey! We're not that smart either!" As you probably know, Mensa is a society of geniuses, but who wants all those smarty-pantses writing their software code? Maybe Microsoft or Google, but not Nomensa! Their tech solutions are so mediocre, you could probably do better yourself!


An Italian coffee company. Sounds innocent enough at first to most people. But as those of you who speak Italian might know, "sega" is a slang word for masturbation and "freddo" means cold. Cold masturbation. Now it's an indisputable fact that nothing hits the spot after a nice long whack-off session in a walk-in freezer than a hot cup of joe. This is probably what the marketing people were thinking about when they chose this name. But on the other hand, calling it "Segafredo" begs the obvious question: what exactly are they putting in the coffee?


...because the other ideas that came up at the meeting to choose a company name were "InternationalRipoff.com" and "WorldwideScamOperation.org," and nobody would ever trust a company with either of those names!


If you're the owner of a bank, one thing you probably do not enjoy much is being robbed. Still, these rocket scientists came up with the excellent idea of choosing a name that sounds and looks almost exactly the same as "rob a bank." So if you're a criminal in Europe and are wondering which type of crime you should commit today, bingo - there's your answer! Rumor has it that this bank is a leading provider of small business loans, investing in such promising start-ups as Stick-Me-Up Convenience Stores, Adverse Side Effects Pharmaceuticals, and of course, Rent-a-Wreck.


And finally...
Pen island. Web site: http://www.penisland.com/. A retailer of fine writing implements. You can imagine how it would turn out if these guys did a study to determine the demographics of their customers:
Employee A: "Wow, according to this data, it looks like 64% of people who visited our website last month were homosexual men."
Employee B: "Really? Must be that pink feathered singing Liza Minnelli pen I designed. I told you it would be a big hit!"

Word on the street #1: Your wife

I would now like to introduce a new series of posts called "word on the street." These are meant to be a guide for which slang word or phrase to use at what time depending on your desired offensiveness level. Just like the Eskimos have 20 or so words for snow, Americans have dozens of words for "prostitute" or "police officer," to name a few. You should generally read these from the bottom up, because let's face it: if it's not offensive, it's just not that interesting.

As you probably know, the world's foremost master of the English language is...wait, who was it again...it seems to have slipped my mind...ah yes...me. To avoid selling myself short, however, I should also inform you that I am a master of every other language that exists or ever existed on Earth. In fact, I have invented or improved linguistic masterpiece sentences in Italian ("Nelly è negli anelli pelle pelle di Pelé."), French - I mean Freedom ("Vous allez aller à l'école."), and ancient Chinese (Lion-eating poet in the stone den). My contribution to the last one was adding the modern Mandarin slang word "shĭ," which roughly translates as "shit," changing the subject of the sentence to "Shit-eating poet in the stone den."

But back to English, the only language that really matters (according to me - and Geno's Steaks). Here are 10 ways to refer to your wife, from the one that is most likely to get you into the doghouse to the one that's most likely to get your "dog" into the "house," if you know what I mean (ok, that's a bit of a stretch (That's what she said!)).

10) Hitler
Likening your wife to arguably the most evil human being ever to walk the earth? Probably not the best idea if you're hoping to get laid again this century.

9) Just some girl I know

As in the following:

Hot girl at bar: "Who was that calling?"

You: "Oh, just some girl I know. Don't worry about it."

Women hate when you minimize the relationship. If you tell her you are less than 100.000000% sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and write letters to your parents every day about how she's the greatest thing that every happened to you, expect a hysterical fit to follow.

8) The boss

If there's one thing women love, it's controlling every aspect of your life while keeping up the facade that they are the "cool" wife or girlfriend that lets you do whatever you want. Calling her "the boss" exposes this facade for what it is.

7) The old lady

Women do not appreciate being called "old" in any circumstances. You might be better off referring to her as "that young, hot 19-year-old girl," but then again you might also get smacked if she doesn't realize you're talking about her. Just avoid any age-related references if you can help it.

6) The old B&C

Again you're calling her old, and women are also very offended when you refer to them by acronyms or abbreviations. Just don't, m'kay?

5) The ball and chain

This can be offensive for the same reason as "the boss," but "ball and chain" can lighten the mood because it is a clever metaphor and also because it might bring to mind images of kinky outfits and bondage games.

4) My biznitch

While "bitch" is considered offensive to some people when used in reference to a woman, when you throw the "izn" in the middle of it, people aren't offended, they just think you are an idiot.

3) Wifey

This is obviously a ripoff from a Next song, and not even the funny one about popping a boner on the dance floor. Your wife might consider it mildly cute, but your buddies will just think you're corny and unoriginal.

2) My better half

Cheesier than the offerings at a Wisconsin farmer's market. Why don't you just take over as lead singer for Lonestar while you're at it?

1) The love of my life

Did it hurt having your testicles removed?