Friday, November 14, 2008

Stuff old people like (#6)

At some point in everyone's life, unless they die an untimely and tragic death, they get old. But how old is old? 70, 40, 25? Can you really put a number on it? How does one know when one is old?

One answer that most people seem to agree on is that when you're interested in things that old people are interested in, then you're old. But what are old people interested in? As always, I am here with the answer. Part 6 of our series, "Stuff _____ like" lists a few things that old people consider to be "the cat's pajamas."


Antiques
Ever walk into an antique store and realize the youngest person in there makes your old, haggard mother look like a spring chicken? That's because antiques are a thing of the past. Nobody cares about a little framed picture of your great-great grandma working on a spinning wheel anymore, and if anyone actually buys that old piece of crap, they probably just want to use it as a vintage beer coaster. If you're into antiques, chances are you are an antique yourself.

The modern-day replacement for antiques is the act of antiquing, which means throwing a large quantity of flour on an unexpecting person. If you are the victim of an act of antiquing, do not look at it as a cruel prank, but instead look at it as a thoughtful homage to past generations.

For only a few hundred dollars of your hard-earned money, you can be the proud owner of a whole cart full of this useless old crap!

CDs
See above. In today's world, compact discs are like ancient Egyptian pottery or ancient Greek sculpture: good for showing your friends you are cultured and knowledgeable about history, but otherwise completely and utterly useless. If you don't have an iPod by now, you probably don't have much time to listen to music anyway with your busy schedule of bingo, shuffleboard, bridge, and AARP/VFW/Elks Lodge meetings. CDs are so 2002.

John McCain
Hanging around old people will make you look old. John McCain is very, very old. If you hang out with him, talk about him, or campaign for him, people will think that you are also very old. Case in point: Sarah Palin is 44 years old, or as most people would refer to it, "middle aged." A survey released in early 2008 before she was chosen to be McCain's running mate showed that the average American thought she was 41 years old. A survey released in October 2008, however, showed that the average American thought that Palin was 137.

2008 election results
NOTE: 100% of the 2% of 60-and-over voters who voted for Obama answered either "Yes" or "Eh? What did you say, sonny?" to the follow-up question, "Are you in denial about the fact that you are old?"

Handkerchiefs
Nobody carries a handkerchief around anymore. If you do, or if you even use the word "handkerchief" for any reason other than to mock someone else's antiquity, you will appear to be a dinosaur.

Anything having to do with the show "Happy Days"
If you still watch or refer to anything having to do with this show, you probably also have some great stories to tell about hunting woolly mammoths as a young lad. News flash: Henry Winkler (the guy who played "The Fonz") is 63. Hell, he was old when he starred in "The Waterboy," and that came out over 10 years ago. Imitating or quoting The Fonz in any way, even something as simple as snapping your fingers while saying "Aaaay!" will reveal you as the geezer that you are to all observers.

"'Aaaay!' sonny! Could you hand me my handkerchief? It fell on the floor and I can't reach it because of my bad back!"

Neil Young
This is a tricky one. Judging by his name, you would never suspect that Neil Young is actually old. But the truth is that he is really old, as in 63 years old, or the same age as Henry Winkler. He's also Canadian. Do not make the mistake of thinking that you can judge a person by his or her last name. Is Jack Black black? Is Barry White white? Does Britney Spears stab people with long, pointed objects? Does Tiger Woods use woods (a type of golf club)? Is Martin Short short? Ok, never mind those last two.

"Rockin' in the Free World"? Maybe in 1967. Nowadays the only rockin' "Neil OLD" does is in a chair on his front porch.

3 comments:

unfinishedrambler said...

Tell that to my wife about handkerchiefs. She swears by them.

And Neil Young is old. Saw him in a concert a few years ago. Boooorrrrrring. Didn't even do any of his "old" stuff.

Harris said...

does it count if you're a Henry Winkler fan due to his turn as the lawyer on Arrested Developement?

harris

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