Tuesday, November 4, 2008

And the next president is... BOB BARR!

This is the moment you've all been waiting for. Today, November 4, is Election Day in the United States of America, and based on early results, "Buffalo This" officially declares that this race is in the books and we can safely declare the winner to be the Libertarian candidate, former U.S. Representative from Georgia's 7th district BOB BARR!

The 44th U.S. President, Bobbert L. "Bob" Barr
(Fun Fact: the mustache is real and it is awesome)

To get an idea of how this happened, let's take a look at the voting results from several key U.S. states:

This is Sarah Palin country through and through. Screw McCain - as you've seen in the news, Palin has gone "rogue" and is hoping to pick up some electoral votes of her own. With 97% of precincts reporting, the Alaska vote currently stands at:
Palin 44% (all write-ins)
Obama 28%
McCain 27%
Barr 1%

I think we can safely call this one for "Caribou Barbie."

This historically blue state was expected to provide 55 easy electoral votes for Barack Obama. The results so far, however, have been fairly surprising. This year, California implemented a new voting system where each voter simply writes the first three letters of the candidate's name. On the ballot, the example provided is: "If you wanted to vote for Ichiro Suzuki, you would write 'Ich.'" Of course in Japanese the last name comes first, so the voters should know that they are supposed to write first three letters of the last name of the candidate rather than the first name. With 93% of precincts reporting, the results are as follows:
"Bar" 57%
"Joh" 34%
"Ich" 8%
"Bob" 1%

These results have been translated into the following outcome:
Bob Barr 57%
Scarlett Johansson 34%
Ichiro Suzuki 8%
John Bobbitt 1%

This looks like a definite 55 electoral votes for Bob Barr, despite impressive third-party showings from Johansson and Ichiro, who somehow failed to receive even 0.001% of the vote in any other state.

Unfortunately they forgot to un-rig the voting machines here after the 2004 election. As a result, George W. Bush is expected to defeat John Kerry by the slimmest of margins, of 51% to 49%.

Like California, this reliably red state also instituted an innovative new voting method for the 2008 elections. Instead of picking a candidate using traditional voters, Texans must pick the symbol for the candidate or party they support. The three choices this year, excluding minor-party candidates were a donkey (Democrat), an elephant (representing Babar, i.e. Bob Barr), and Sarah Palin hunting wolves from a helicopter (Republican). With 99% of precincts reporting, it looks like the results are as follows:
Elephant 45% (see right)
Donkey 42%
Palin hunting wolves 12%

Despite the fact that Obama has made a surprisingly strong showing here, enough results are in that we can confidently call this one for Bob Barr. That's 34 more electoral votes if you're keeping score at home.

This super-conservative Mormon State was considered solid McCain territory until early this morning, when the Barr campaign released a statement that Joseph Smith himself had just descended from the heavens to endorse Bob Barr. Since then, Barr has taken a commanding lead with 89% of the overall vote in this state.

As you can see in the below electoral map, Bob Barr has won this election in a landslide. Obama, once considered the front-runner, carried only his home state of Illinois, his birth state of Hawaii, and two super-hippie New England states, Vermont and Massachusetts. McCain, who many also thought was likely to pick up a fair share of electoral votes, won only his home state of Arizona and Florida, where there are a lot of old people, who often name the #1 quality they look for in a leader as "not plastering on the make-up like a trollop."

Final Electoral Vote totals:
Barr 438
Obama 40
McCain 37
Bush 20
Palin 3

Well, it looks like America has spoken. All hail President Barr!

No comments:

Who links to me?