What's in a name?

Let me first acknowledge that this post is not what you think. By that I mean that I am not going to write about names with "what" in them. If that's "what" you really want (clever pun once again), I'll give you one: Powhatan. Happy now?

Ok, for those of you who are still with us, I am now going to talk about companies with unfortunate names; names that make you ask yourself, in the words of Jerry Seinfeld, "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?" Here we go...


The general public is pretty stupid, so what better way to market your tech company to them than by saying, "Hey! We're not that smart either!" As you probably know, Mensa is a society of geniuses, but who wants all those smarty-pantses writing their software code? Maybe Microsoft or Google, but not Nomensa! Their tech solutions are so mediocre, you could probably do better yourself!


An Italian coffee company. Sounds innocent enough at first to most people. But as those of you who speak Italian might know, "sega" is a slang word for masturbation and "freddo" means cold. Cold masturbation. Now it's an indisputable fact that nothing hits the spot after a nice long whack-off session in a walk-in freezer than a hot cup of joe. This is probably what the marketing people were thinking about when they chose this name. But on the other hand, calling it "Segafredo" begs the obvious question: what exactly are they putting in the coffee?


...because the other ideas that came up at the meeting to choose a company name were "InternationalRipoff.com" and "WorldwideScamOperation.org," and nobody would ever trust a company with either of those names!


If you're the owner of a bank, one thing you probably do not enjoy much is being robbed. Still, these rocket scientists came up with the excellent idea of choosing a name that sounds and looks almost exactly the same as "rob a bank." So if you're a criminal in Europe and are wondering which type of crime you should commit today, bingo - there's your answer! Rumor has it that this bank is a leading provider of small business loans, investing in such promising start-ups as Stick-Me-Up Convenience Stores, Adverse Side Effects Pharmaceuticals, and of course, Rent-a-Wreck.


And finally...
Pen island. Web site: http://www.penisland.com/. A retailer of fine writing implements. You can imagine how it would turn out if these guys did a study to determine the demographics of their customers:
Employee A: "Wow, according to this data, it looks like 64% of people who visited our website last month were homosexual men."
Employee B: "Really? Must be that pink feathered singing Liza Minnelli pen I designed. I told you it would be a big hit!"