Friday, September 12, 2008

Bad news for Kim Jong-Il

Kim Jong-Il punching bag
Some people take out their anger in reasonable ways, such as or kicking and punching their beds in a hysterical fit or yelling a stream of obscenities at the top of their lungs in a public place.  Others take out their anger in less appropriate ways, such as throwing furniture around the room or pimp-slapping llamas at the petting zoo.  My rival, Jon of "Bison That," takes the latter route: he punches Kim Jong-Il in the face.

I don't know if this will happen every time Jon gets out-buffaloed, but I suspect it will.  If so, then Kim, I'm sorry to say this, but you are cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Buffalo Bison sign
I admit I have been rather dismissive of bison in the past, so I'd like to bring up an important point about them now.  Contrary to popular belief, "bison" is a fairly versatile word.  It doesn't hold a candle to "buffalo," mind you, but it compares favorably to more than 99% of words in the English language.  "Bison" can refer not only to the animal, but also to the town of Bison, South Dakota (see right), the mascot of many athletic teams (including the Bucknell Bison), and a disgusting verb, defined by Wikipedia as the following:

Bison - (verb; slang; vulgar) To insert all male genitalia, including penis and testicles, into another human orifice. Often used in derogatory context. Example: "Go bison yourself."

Furthermore, as with "buffalo," the plural form of "bison" is exactly the same as the singular form.  So the sentence "Bison bison Bison bison Bison bison Bison bison Bison bison Bison bison Bison bison." is perfectly legitimate and could mean "Bison from Bison, SD that bison from Bison, SD bison Bucknell-style in turn bison Bucknell-style other bison from Bison, SD that bison from Bison, SD bison Bucknell-style."  You might call this the "bison phenomenon," although in my opinion it is not all that phenomenal.

So Jon of "Bison That" does have a point, sort of.  He has not yet attempted to express this point on his blog, but if he were to do so, it might make sense.

Jon's return from North Korea and the awakening of his blog deserved some kind of response.  So in a rather bold move to show Jon who is the Buffalo Master in this rivalry, I went ahead and created the bumper sticker below and stuck it on my car as well as every vehicle in the parking lot of the K-Mart in Niagara Falls, NY.

Buffalo Bison bumper sticker

Note that the sticker was originally going to read: "My Buffalo buffalo Bison bisoned your Bison bison."  However in the end I chose to keep it clean and go with the G-rated slogan that doesn't involve a disgusting sexual act.  Even in the highly, HIGHLY unlikely event that I lose the Battle of the Buffalo, I will never relinquish the moral high ground.

So if you're keeping score at home, you can tally up another point for "Buffalo This."  Sorry, Kim, today is not your lucky day.

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