Word on the street #6: Sexual intercourse

Now here's a real controversial topic. The debate rages on regarding whether people should have sexual intercourse. My opinion is that they should not, ever. However if you do choose to take part in this vile, despicable activity, chances are you will find yourself in the following scenario:

You are presented with the person with whom you would like to engage in this activity. You believe he/she may be amenable to said action. You would like to express your desire to place your pee-pee in her hoo-hoo (or the other way around if you are female). However, you don't know exactly how to describe exactly what you would like to do with that person.

Whatever you do, do not sit there stammering and stuttering like an idiot looking for the right word. Simply excuse yourself briefly and go log on to your computer to check "Buffalo This" for some timely advice.


10) Hop up on top and start jiggy-jiggy-jerkin'
Comes from Juvenile's "Slow Motion." Not only is this...um...juvenile, but it also suggests that your in-bed technique is not exactly top-notch. Most women (and men for that matter) will not enjoy it too much if all you do is "jiggy-jiggy-jerk" on top of them.

9) Chuck your junk in her/Beat it up
I understand that most guys and their "crew" or "posse" usually use these manly terms when discussing what they would like to do to a girl. Women, on the other hand, do not appreciate these terms quite as much. Don't say I didn't warn you.

8) Slip her the sausage
Similar to the ones above, but not quite as bad because it suggests a tasty food item.

7) Fuck
Usually I censor this word to make this blog appropriate for people of all ages and Mormons. Here, however, I have a fucking point to make. "Fuck" is concise and to the point, but it's also fucking offensive as fuck. You probably shouldn't fucking use it.

6) Pee in her butt
A couple points for the attempt at humor. Unfortunately though, some people are grossed out by any mention of pee in a sexual context due to the recent R. Kelly scandals involving golden showers. Nice try, but no cigar.

5) Screw
Ah, Jimmy Buffett's old standby: "Why don't we get drunk and screw?" If you want to increase the odds of getting your "jimmy" to the "buffet" though, you can probably do better than this.

4) Do the wild thing
Careful there, tiger. When you say "do the wild thing," many people will misinterpret this as meaning you would like to have intercourse with Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn from "Major League," a.k.a. Charlie Sheen. Since Charlie Sheen is widely perceived as a man-whore, you may be seen as trashy.

3) Get jiggy wit' it
If you honestly think that a line from a Will Smith song is going to get you laid, you probably should not be allowed to procreate.

2) Get it on
Who are you, Marvin Gaye? If not, the cheese factor is off the charts with this one.

1) Make love
Seriously, dude, the only time you should ever use this phrase is when you're singing along with Boyz II Men. Most women will laugh hysterically at any guy who uses this.