Thursday, September 18, 2008

Word on the street #7: Imperative actions

exclamation point
Sometimes in life, you may want another person to perform a certain activity, such as sitting down or shutting up. In these instances, you may wonder how you can best inform them of this desire. In this case there are three things you need to consider:

1) Do I give a flying f*** about this person?
If not, offend away. Who cares what they think? Besides, being offensive is usually hilarious. That's the only reason people like Carlos Mencia have a job.
2) How quickly do I want this done?
If never would be a good time for you, go with #1 on the list. If right now is preferable, I suggest at least #5.
3) How bad of a mood am I in today?
If you are in a bad mood, it is highly therapeutic to take your anger out on other people. Did you just barely miss the bus home, making you wait 10 minutes for the next one and miss the first few minutes of "Wheel of Fortune?" Annoying occurrences like that usually give you free license to offend anyone you want for at least 24 hours.

Anyway, enough pussyfooting around...

10) _____ the f***___ before I (insert violent action here)!
Highly offensive, but undeniably effective. When you tell someone, "Eat the fucking veggies before I brutally murder your entire family!" you can bet that person will soon be shoveling that broccoli and carrots into his/her mouth like there's no tomorrow.

9) _____ the f*** ___, bitch!
The addition of "bitch" here adds an element of emphasis and condescension to your already powerful imperative. As you can imagine, an order of "Get the fuck out of my office, bitch!" is rather difficult to refuse.

Candy Land8) _____ the f*** ___!
A bold one, as the dreaded f-word can strike fear into the strongest of men. For example, saying, "I made it to Candy Land first, now pay the f*** up!" is likely to get you allow you to collect your hard-earned board game winnings faster than, say, using #1 or 2 on this list.

7) _____ your ass ___!
A fairly strong command generally used when you would like to emphasize that some kind of movement needs to occur. For example, when playing with your child, you may choose to say something like, "Wah-wah! Stop crying, you little crybaby, and get your ass back on that tricycle!"

6) _____ the hell ___!
For example:
"Get the hell out of the lane so I can bowl!"
Rather bold. Shows your adversary who's the boss (NOTE: a nice, firm Danza slap will also accomplish this).

5) _____ ___.
Direct and to the point. No one can fault you for that...except me. Grow some balls, Nancy! At least throw an expletive in there or something.

4) Would you mind _____ing ___?
Polite, but in the event that the person does mind, it ain't getting done.
For example:
You: "Would you mind helping lift this 500 pound concrete block off my chest so I can breathe?"
Them: "Actually, yes I would mind. I'm jonesing for a McGriddle and only have 10 minutes to make it to McDonald's before they stop serving breakfast. Sorry. Good luck surviving, buddy."

3) Please _____ ___.
For the 63% of people in the world who don't give a rat's ass what you want them to do, "please" translates roughly as "don't." Thanks for coming, better luck next time.

Dumping radioactive waste2) Please _____ ___, if you would be so kind
Most people just aren't that kind.
For example:
You: "Hey, you in the biohazard suit! Please refrain from dumping your spent nuclear reactor fuel in our garbage can, if you would be so kind."
Them: "Sorry, unfortunately I'm a complete asshole, so it's not happening. Eat a dick."

1) Excuse me, is there any way you might be able to _____ ___, please? (Lame reason here). If not, no big deal. Thanks a lot.
A spineless coward's way of asking someone to do something. 99% of the time the person will refuse, and can you really blame them?
For example:
You: "Excuse me, is there any way you might be able to move your car, please? It's on my leg, which I believe is now broken. If not, no big deal. Thanks a lot."
Them: "Sure, no problem!" (backs up, then moves forward again so that car is once again crushing leg)
"There you go, chief! Have a good one!"

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