How to be famous

As an A-list celebrity, I often have people asking me what they can do to become extremely famous like I am. The surprising fact is that it's not that difficult, you just need to know the tricks. What I am about to reveal to you are five well-kept secrets of the A-list elite that have been passed down from generation to generation. With the help of this knowledge, you can be the talk of the nation in no time.


1) Declare that you're back, even though you were never really there in the first place
This trick was flawlessly executed by the Backstreet Boys. Despite the fact that nobody had ever heard of them, they released the song "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)." At this point, everyone realized that they must have missed the Backstreet Boys their first time around, so they pretended to like them because according to the song, everybody else did. Even better, the song was addressed to "everybody," so anybody who didn't know who the Backstreet Boys were pretended that they did so they wouldn't look really clueless. A brilliant strategy.


2) Be really, really terrible at something and make sure everyone knows it
Ever hear of this guy (click on the link, dummy)? He is probably the worst singer in the history of the universe and a terrible dancer to boot. Still, everyone in America knew who he was and he got a record deal. Not everyone can be talented, but everyone can be really, really, ridiculously un-talented.

Here are a few ideas on how you might be able to execute this trick:

-Become the CEO of a major pharmaceutical corporation. Hold a press conference and state that you are "this close" (holding thumb and forefinger exactly one centimeter apart) to finding the cure for every type of cancer. Then hold another press conference a month later saying that you read the memo wrong and instead of "cancer" it said "canker sores"...and the drug has the undesirable side effect of killing everyone who takes it. Follow by saying that you project a 90% decrease in sales this quarter and expect a lot of people to sue the company because all of your products are crap. This little stunt will likely get you to the front page of the Wall Street Journal and maybe even an appearance on "The Colbert Report" if you play your cards right.

-Sign a $20 million contract with the New York Yankees and then strike out every time you get up and make at least 10 fielding errors every game for the entire season. They will have paid too much for you to be able to justify benching you. To increase your media exposure, bad-mouth your teammates at every opportunity.

-Convince the NFL to allow you to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show. Get a bad microphone that screeches like nails on a chalkboard. Sing offensively off-key. Rip off a clothing article that reveals someone's breast. Stop suddenly in the middle of a song and declare, "Whoops, I forgot the words!" People love bad performances, and 100 million or so people will be watching. Jackpot.


3) Imitate other celebrities
This really applies to any goal. Want to be a great swimmer? Easy - just do things exactly like Michael Phelps does. Imitate his form and swim the 100 meter freestyle in 47 seconds. Easy Olympic gold medal right there. Want to be a great poker player? Learn the tricks of Doyle Brunson and Johnny Chan and you'll be taking home the big World Series prize in no time. Want to be great at being famous? Just do what those who have succeeded in becoming famous do.

For example:

-Keep people guessing what you're going to do next. Rapidly gain and lose weight. Do as many different drugs as possible and check in and out of rehab at least once a month. Make sure your blood alcohol level is at least .15 every time you drive.

-Adopt a bunch of kids from all over the world and name them the most ridiculous names possible.

-Send photos of yourself walking around Hollywood or Manhattan's West Village to Us Weekly every week. Appear with other celebrities if possible.

-Drive a Prius.


4) Come up with a catch phrase
This has worked like a charm for many people in the past. Take for example "Hasta la vista, baby" (Arnold Schwarzenegger), "Suck it, Trebek!" (Sean Connery), and "It's Britney, bitch" (Britney Spears). These people would never have become famous had they not come up with these catch phrases. When deciding which catch phrase to pick, remember to keep it brief, and the more controversial or offensive, the better. Something like "Buffalo this, motherf***ers!" might be a good choice.


5) Write an awesome blog This will rocket you straight to the top of the A-list. Trust me.