Friday, August 29, 2008

Word on the street #4: Your friends

The most annoying thing by far about having friends is never knowing what you should call them. You obviously can't call them by their names, because that would sound way too goofy, especially if the person's name is something that's already extremely goofy, like Phineas, Ralphina, or any name a celebrity has ever named a child. This may make social situations extremely awkward, and if you choose the wrong word, people may seriously reevaluate their prior perceptions of your douchitude on their subconscious mental douche-o-meter. So here we go with ten names you can call your friends, rated from most douche-tacular (10) to least (1).

10) Broski
"Hey broski, two Heinekens!" This one may work in jest, but calling someone this in seriousness has been a cardinal sin since it was used in the YouTube phenomenon "My New Haircut."

thermometerNative American chief9) Chief
Is your friend the leader of a Native American tribe or Boy Scout troop? If not, avoid using this one. It was also used in "My New Haircut" in the sentence "Not now chief, I'm in the f***ing zone!"

8) Brah
It is not a good idea to call your friend by the same name as a breast-holding device, even if you think that he is the type of person who would enjoy holding breasts all day (i.e. any straight male).

7) Chieferino/Sport-o
It is a good idea to call your son these names. Your friend, not so much.

6) Guy
Rather impersonal and often used by Canadians. May be a little off-putting.

5) Ace
This was a good one before"The Ambiguously Gay Duo" came out. Now it can be a real land mine if your friend is uncomfortable with his sexuality. May be a decent choice for a tennis player however.

John Kerry4) Hoss
This one is tricky. It is a great one to use in the context of a manly activity, such as stuffing your face ("You gonna eat that whole steak, hoss?") or an athletic activity ("Show 'em what you've got up there, hoss!"). However, you must make sure to never use this term to refer to a woman, or anyone with horse-like features, such as John Kerry.

3) Tiger
Not a terrible one to use. Your friend may actually think you're complimenting his/her golf game.

2) Buddy
Boring and unoriginal, but a safe play. Think of it as the equivalent of a sacrifice bunt in baseball: it'll advance the runner, but definitely won't blow the game wide open in your favor.

1) Playa
Always a good call, as it implies that your friend is a master of manipulating the opposite sex. The ultimate compliment.

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