Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Taking the red pill

Hey there, chief. Guess who's back again with another revelation that's going to change the way you look at the world...or shall I say "world." I have some interesting news that you might be interested to know: you are not real. Nobody is. This is all just a big computer simulation, just like "The Matrix." Seriously.
You are a computer chipIn case you were too lazy to click on the link in the first paragraph, let me summarize Dr. Nick Bostrom's fascinating scientific paper for you in three words: you are fake. You're just an artificial brain in an artificial world, a mess of circuits somewhere in some mega-supercomputer controlled by future humans, aliens, or machines that are going take over the world after Arnold Schwarzenegger fails to save John Connor. I am fake too, but the difference between you and me is that I make this look good. Everything you see is fake: your mom, the Tooth Fairy, pro wrestling, that stripper's boobs, the $5 Gucci shades you bought off that bum in D.C., you name it. Fake, fake, fake. To be fair though, it is not totally certain that we are living in a simulation. Here are the three possibilities:
1) We (humans) are about to bite the dust, probably at the hands of the Large Hadron Collider.
2) We are never going to run any simulations of past humans or weird hypothetical worlds, and neither will any aliens or machines in the entire universe or any other universe, ever.
3) Everything we know is a pack of LIES and we're really living in a simulation!

Let me explore these three possibilities, which are mutually exclusive and collectively exhaustive, and examine what the chances of each are:
1) True, the LHC probably will destroy the world. However I feel like the good false vacuum Fat Al Gorescenario is a little more likely than the rest of them. So let's call it a 40% chance that the LHC destroys the world and also a 5% chance that something else does (probably something related to Al Gore, like global warming or Al eating so much food that there is none left for the rest of us and we all starve). 45% overall.
2) Um...no. Simulations of past worlds or fake worlds are going to be considered way too awesome to pass up by human, alien, or computer nerds of the future. Furthermore, any civilizations that run one simulation will almost definitely choose to run a metric shitload of them, so the vast majority of worlds out there will be simulated ones. So the chances are very high that we are in one. So let's call the chances of the possibility that nobody decides to run any simulations 5%.
3) This is all a simulation and you are not real. 50% chance.

Let me repeat what I just said in layman's terms: there is a 95% chance that we are either not real or we're all about to die. Yes. It's an indisputable fact. Stop crying and get over it, crybaby.

Could people in the future run such a simulation? Yes, obviously. If you don't believe that we will have the technology to do this kind of thing within 100 years from now, then please get back to your Amish community before Brother Jebediah finds out you're surfing the 'net instead of building that barn, Ezekiel.

Why would they run these simulations? Here are my top five reasons (there are many more):
5) To play fantasy fantasy baseball with the fantasy baseball teams of the simulated world.
4) To make a comedy show out of the stupidest things people have ever done (yes, it will include that time you got shroomed up and jumped in the tiger cage).
3) To check out naked chicks in the shower (obviously).
2) To compensate for the fact that they feel inadequate because of the fact that they're not real and just living in a stupid simulation by lording over some other simulation within a simulation.
1) To see if any of the simulated people can come up with any new and exciting additions to the buffalo phenomenon.

I'm really glad the creator of this simulation chose to make me a huge celebrity with millions of adoring fans. I mean, he could have just as easily made me some loser that writes a stupid blog that nobody reads. Whew - glad that didn't happen!

Bummed to find out that you're nothing more than some nerd from the future's Second Life character? Don't be! The good part about the world being fake is that you can do whatever you want with no REAL consequences! Of course certain things might get you thrown into a simulated jail where you'll be simulated cornholed in the simulated shower by a simulated 350 pound tattoo-covered Hell's Angel named Bubba. But at least it's not really happening, right?

So yeah...tough break there, Keanu. I feel for you, champ. The silver lining in all this though is that you still have this awesome simulated blog to read. All right!

No comments:

Who links to me?