Word on the street #6: Sexual intercourse

Now here's a real controversial topic. The debate rages on regarding whether people should have sexual intercourse. My opinion is that they should not, ever. However if you do choose to take part in this vile, despicable activity, chances are you will find yourself in the following scenario:

You are presented with the person with whom you would like to engage in this activity. You believe he/she may be amenable to said action. You would like to express your desire to place your pee-pee in her hoo-hoo (or the other way around if you are female). However, you don't know exactly how to describe exactly what you would like to do with that person.

Whatever you do, do not sit there stammering and stuttering like an idiot looking for the right word. Simply excuse yourself briefly and go log on to your computer to check "Buffalo This" for some timely advice.


10) Hop up on top and start jiggy-jiggy-jerkin'
Comes from Juvenile's "Slow Motion." Not only is this...um...juvenile, but it also suggests that your in-bed technique is not exactly top-notch. Most women (and men for that matter) will not enjoy it too much if all you do is "jiggy-jiggy-jerk" on top of them.

9) Chuck your junk in her/Beat it up
I understand that most guys and their "crew" or "posse" usually use these manly terms when discussing what they would like to do to a girl. Women, on the other hand, do not appreciate these terms quite as much. Don't say I didn't warn you.

8) Slip her the sausage
Similar to the ones above, but not quite as bad because it suggests a tasty food item.

7) Fuck
Usually I censor this word to make this blog appropriate for people of all ages and Mormons. Here, however, I have a fucking point to make. "Fuck" is concise and to the point, but it's also fucking offensive as fuck. You probably shouldn't fucking use it.

6) Pee in her butt
A couple points for the attempt at humor. Unfortunately though, some people are grossed out by any mention of pee in a sexual context due to the recent R. Kelly scandals involving golden showers. Nice try, but no cigar.

5) Screw
Ah, Jimmy Buffett's old standby: "Why don't we get drunk and screw?" If you want to increase the odds of getting your "jimmy" to the "buffet" though, you can probably do better than this.

4) Do the wild thing
Careful there, tiger. When you say "do the wild thing," many people will misinterpret this as meaning you would like to have intercourse with Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn from "Major League," a.k.a. Charlie Sheen. Since Charlie Sheen is widely perceived as a man-whore, you may be seen as trashy.

3) Get jiggy wit' it
If you honestly think that a line from a Will Smith song is going to get you laid, you probably should not be allowed to procreate.

2) Get it on
Who are you, Marvin Gaye? If not, the cheese factor is off the charts with this one.

1) Make love
Seriously, dude, the only time you should ever use this phrase is when you're singing along with Boyz II Men. Most women will laugh hysterically at any guy who uses this.

F***, chuck, or marry?

I'd like to start off by saying that I'm going to censor the word "f***" because I just found out that this blog is required reading for a first grade class in Boise, Idaho. The youth of America are already screwed up enough. I mean, Zac Efron. Seriously, that guy. The one who looks like cross between a busted tranny and of Lindsay Lohan on a bad day with way too much makeup.

Some of you may be aware of the game called "F***, chuck, or marry." This is a sick, twisted game that only brings out the worst in people. Kids these days love it because it can make their friends admit pedophilic tendencies or fetishes having to do with animals or inanimate objects. The rule is that given three choices, you have to pick one to f*** (typically the one you feel the most physical attraction towards), one to chuck (the one you want nothing to do with), and one to marry (the one you feel you'd have the best emotional connection with). When the choices are Jenna Jameson, Rosie O'Donnell, and the nice girl next door, it's a pretty easy game. Not so much when the choices are a 3 pound Maine lobster, your grandma, and a razor-wire fence. Trust me, unless you play this game with 6-year-old Girl Scouts training to be Catholic nuns, you're much more likely to encounter the latter selection than the former.

This game often causes people to honestly state things such as:
"I would definitely marry my little brother." or
"Now that you put it that way, I would want to f*** that bag of rusty nails!"

One major point of confusion to me was that where I come from, "f***" and "chuck" meant more or less the same thing - "chuck" as in "I'd sure like to chuck my junk in her!" (I know, I'm a hopeless romantic.) So when I was younger I often had to clarify this, as in "Whichever one means I want to have sex with it, that would definitely be the three-toed pygmy sloth."


This is the most disturbing children's activity since "High School Musical," which was itself the most disturbing children's activity since the "deez nutz" phenomenon. F***ing, chucking, and marrying are terrible things that should not be done by anyone until at least the age of 30.