The LHC: Famous last words

All right.  We've established that there's a decent chance that the Large Hadron Collider is going to destroy our planet in these four posts:

• Bummed about the LHC? Try some THC.


• The LHC might not kill us after all!


• Sucker bet


• Particle colliders give me a "large hadron"

So, in the not too unlikely possibility that the human race is about to be permanently obliterated from the universe, are there any last words that we want to say before we go?  There damn well should be.  Before we begin the collisions, I suggest we send a message to the cosmos saying something like:

We're about to conduct a physics experiment that (brief description of what the LHC does).  It might kill us, so if you don't hear from us again, then that's probably what happened.  Peace out, homies - catch you on the flipside!

This message will serve as a warning to alien civilizations that are debating and blogging about whether they should run their own LHCs.  Why should we care whether aliens live or die?  Because we should care about the welfare of all living things, you selfish prick.  We're not so different, us and them.  Sure, they might want to kill us - I mean in pretty much every movie involving aliens, that's what they're trying to do.  We may want revenge for what they tried to do to Will Smith and company in "Independence Day."  But we really can't blame them, because the truth is that we also want to kill us (why else would we build the LHC?).  On top of this, we and the aliens do have common enemies, such as entropy, black holes, and France.  Entropy in particular is a real bitch that is strongly abhorred by all lifeforms.  F@%# YOU, ENTROPY!

Now you may be thinking, "Wait a minute, hotshot.  Sending such a message to aliens might reveal not only that we exist, but also where we are in space and the fact that our technology is pretty unsophisticated.  Aren't we basically inviting them to bring their ships over and blast us to kingdom come?"  Well yes and no.  By that I mean yes, but they might choose not to come and kill us because a) it would be a waste of their time, and b) they appreciate the thoughtful gesture.  Besides, we've already been sending "come and kill us" messages to outer space for a long time.  For example, the Arecibo Message of 1974 (see left) was basically a bunch of dots that translated to something like, "Hey guys.  This is the human race from planet Earth speaking.  Feel free to come over and cornhole us whenever you get a chance.  Here's some other information that will make killing us easier for you, like our size, our chemical makeup, and our location.  See ya!"

Now let's say we smash some stuff in the LHC, and lo and behold, we notice that a black hole has begun eating away at the center of the planet en route to killing every living human being, dog, cat, octopus, praying mantis, bonsai tree, Venus flytrap, mushroom, ale yeast, dinoflagellate, amoeba, virus, you name it.  At this point it is absolutely crucial that we alert anyone who might be listening of our impending fate.  At this point we need to send something that can really catch someone's attention, like a catchy tune.  My recommendation is Grandmaster Flash & Melle Mel's "White lines (Don't don't do it)."  This incredibly persuasive little jingle describes in detail the great high you can get from cocaine and then tells you "d-d-d-d-don't d-d-don't do it!"  The moral of this song is fairly tough to figure out, but what I took away from it was that snorting coke will give you a terrible stuttering problem.

So in case you were wondering why I'm not a coke addict, there's your answer.

If that doesn't stop ET from building its own black hole machine, I don't know what will.  Of course, when we send this message out to the cosmos, we must make sure to remember to substitute "Large Hadron Collider" for all cocaine references.  Otherwise, the aliens are seriously going to wonder what kind of weird civilization thought it was that important to broadcast anti-drug messages to everyone in a 500 light year radius.

Word on the street #6: Sexual intercourse

Now here's a real controversial topic. The debate rages on regarding whether people should have sexual intercourse. My opinion is that they should not, ever. However if you do choose to take part in this vile, despicable activity, chances are you will find yourself in the following scenario:

You are presented with the person with whom you would like to engage in this activity. You believe he/she may be amenable to said action. You would like to express your desire to place your pee-pee in her hoo-hoo (or the other way around if you are female). However, you don't know exactly how to describe exactly what you would like to do with that person.

Whatever you do, do not sit there stammering and stuttering like an idiot looking for the right word. Simply excuse yourself briefly and go log on to your computer to check "Buffalo This" for some timely advice.


10) Hop up on top and start jiggy-jiggy-jerkin'
Comes from Juvenile's "Slow Motion." Not only is this...um...juvenile, but it also suggests that your in-bed technique is not exactly top-notch. Most women (and men for that matter) will not enjoy it too much if all you do is "jiggy-jiggy-jerk" on top of them.

9) Chuck your junk in her/Beat it up
I understand that most guys and their "crew" or "posse" usually use these manly terms when discussing what they would like to do to a girl. Women, on the other hand, do not appreciate these terms quite as much. Don't say I didn't warn you.

8) Slip her the sausage
Similar to the ones above, but not quite as bad because it suggests a tasty food item.

7) Fuck
Usually I censor this word to make this blog appropriate for people of all ages and Mormons. Here, however, I have a fucking point to make. "Fuck" is concise and to the point, but it's also fucking offensive as fuck. You probably shouldn't fucking use it.

6) Pee in her butt
A couple points for the attempt at humor. Unfortunately though, some people are grossed out by any mention of pee in a sexual context due to the recent R. Kelly scandals involving golden showers. Nice try, but no cigar.

5) Screw
Ah, Jimmy Buffett's old standby: "Why don't we get drunk and screw?" If you want to increase the odds of getting your "jimmy" to the "buffet" though, you can probably do better than this.

4) Do the wild thing
Careful there, tiger. When you say "do the wild thing," many people will misinterpret this as meaning you would like to have intercourse with Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn from "Major League," a.k.a. Charlie Sheen. Since Charlie Sheen is widely perceived as a man-whore, you may be seen as trashy.

3) Get jiggy wit' it
If you honestly think that a line from a Will Smith song is going to get you laid, you probably should not be allowed to procreate.

2) Get it on
Who are you, Marvin Gaye? If not, the cheese factor is off the charts with this one.

1) Make love
Seriously, dude, the only time you should ever use this phrase is when you're singing along with Boyz II Men. Most women will laugh hysterically at any guy who uses this.