Thursday, October 16, 2008

Name game #1: Joe

Well, I'm back. Hopefully you didn't jump off a bridge thinking this award-winning blog had gone the way of the dinosaurs and John McCain's presidential hopes (sorry - too soon?). Ends up I've just been bogged down with the usual stuff: work, anti-Large Hadron Collider protests, several-day peyote and/or acid trips in the Mojave desert, and trying to revive my baseball career by playing in the local "senior" league.

Now I'm back and bloggin' once again. So what's been going on in the world for the past week or so? The economy totally tanked and we're heading for a second Great Depression. Whatever. I've got my money safely tied up in AAA-rated Collateralized Debt Obligations (CDOs), as should any smart investor. People have also been talking about a lot of Joes recently - Joe Biden, Joe Sixpack, Joe the plumber. Who are these mysterious yet intriguing characters?

This brings me to a new segment I'd like to call "Name game." In each installment of this segment, I'll list the top ten people with a certain name and describe why each should be either loved or hated. Here we go with Name game #1: Joe:

10) Joe the plumber
The best friend of Senator John McCain and arch-nemesis of Senator Barack Obama, Joe the plumber is a rich-ass pipe-fixer who brings in over $250,000 a year. Obama contends that because Joe is wealthy, he could afford to pay a little more in taxes. McCain, on the other hand, believes that because plumbers have to deal with unclogging toilets all day, they deserve a tax break no matter how rich they might be. We must say NO to the plumber tax breaks! If we allow this to happen, pretty soon we will have "Bill Gates the plumber," "Warren Buffett the plumber," and probably even "John and Cindy McCain the plumbers." Everyone will become plumbers just to avoid paying taxes, leaving nobody to do the rest of the work that society needs done. Hey, at least we won't have to deal with clogged-up crappers ever again!

9) Joe from the saying "Say it ain't so, Joe"
Nobody likes a naysayer. Besides, there's no denying the fact that "it" definitely IS so. This saying originally referred to Shoeless Joe Jackson of Black Sox Scandal fame, but can refer to any Joe who is considered to be "rain on a parade" or "ants at a picnic." From now on I propose that we refer to such Joes as "Debbie Downer" or just "Debbie."

8) Joe, North Carolina
A couple miles south of the bustling metropolis of Hot Springs lies shitty little Joe, NC. If you Google Map it and zoom in further, you will see that Joe is nothing more than a random location in the middle of the woods. The only other town nearby (a few miles east) is named Stackhouse, after obnoxious UNC basketball star Jerry Stackhouse. For these reasons, Joe, NC wins the official title of "Worst place to live in the universe," narrowly beating out the surface of the sun and just inside the event horizon of a supermassive black hole.
Joe, NC
7) Joe Biden
Listen, I already covered this guy in this post. He's old and he's from Delaware. Yawn.

This show was based on the age-old trick of pretending you're rich to get a woman into bed (much like N.W.A.'s classic hit "I Ain't Tha 1"). "Joe" a.k.a. Evan Marriott, the star of the show, pretended he had inherited a huge fortune, but was really just a run-of-the-mill construction worker. Hey, Joe the plumber should try that trick! Oh wait, he already is rich.

Tom Hanks' greatest performance of all time. The part where they jumped into the volcano and were blown out by a sudden gust of wind was priceless! Damn it, I just ruined the movie for you. Sorry.

Joe Camel4) Joe Camel
Because sometimes you just need a cigarette, and this lovable cartoon icon reminds our kids of that indisputable fact.

3) Joe Sixpack
Everyone (not just Sarah Palin) loves the town drunk. He can always be counted on to tell us entertaining war stories and conspiracy theories at any hour of the day, any day of the week. Just head to your local bar and he'll be the old, dirty guy who hasn't shaven in a month with an impressive number of pint glasses and beer bottles haphazardly scattered around him.

cup of joe2) Joe (coffee)
Without this miraculous liquid, we would live in a world where nobody did anything productive until after noon (similar to the world that is currently called "college").

1) Joe Mama
An endless source of hilarity, "joe mama" jokes are perfect for any occasion: the playground, the bus ride home from middle school, weddings, funerals, kickball games, presidential debates, labor strikes, you name it. If you're going to insult someone, hit 'em where it hurts!

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