Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Stuff white buffalo like (#5)

For the 5th part in our series of blatant ripoffs of "Stuff white people like," it's the biggest ripoff yet: "Stuff white buffalo like." In case you've never heard of white buffalo, they're basically similar to white people: they enjoy such activities as drinking a glass of Chardonnay on a sailboat, playing a round of golf at the country club in argyle sweaters, voicing their support for Barack Obama, and lecturing others on the cultural traditions and needs of "colored" buffalo. Unlike white people, however, they are a very small minority in the U.S., where brown buffalo comprise more than 99% of the population. This demographic difference makes the social plight of white buffalo rather interesting. Right now you're probably on the edge of your seat wondering what these strange yet beautiful animals might be interested. Well the wait is over - here is some stuff white buffalo like...

Correcting bad grammar/typos
Like many white people, white buffalo are absolutely sickened by poor grammar or spelling. They will without exception instantly correct the offender and most likely ignore whatever message he/she was actually trying to get across, as important or interesting as that message might be.

For example, the following conversation would be fairly typical:
Brown buffalo: "Your never going to believe this! I just discovered an extension of Einstein's special theory of relativity! By my calculations, it should allow for faster-than-light interstellar travel as well as time travel to both the future and the past. This is going to revolutionize science! When you get some time, you should read my 83-page mathematical proof."
White buffalo: "Um...did you just use 'your' instead of 'you're?' You honestly must be mentally retarded. You disgust me, you ignorant slob. Begone!"
Note that white buffalo consider any grammatical errors in the buffalo phenomenon especially egregious. If you make such an error, prepare to be permanently ostracized from white buffalo circles and possibly even burned at the stake.

After writing this, I realized it also appeared in "Stuff white people like" (see post here). What a coincidence! Like white people, white buffalo consider irony to be the highest form of humor and will use it at every opportunity. For example, when something crazy and unpredictable happens, you might hear a white buffalo use the phrase "black swan event" to describe it. Normally using this saying would not be considered strange. However, since a white buffalo is much more rare and striking as a black swan, you would expect a white buffalo to instead use the phrase "white buffalo event." The fact that the buffalo ignores such an obvious and pertinent alternative saying is a classic example of irony at its best.

Now there is one trap that you must be certain not to fall into when interacting with white buffalo, and that is mistaking Alanis Morissette-style "irony" for actual irony. If you make this error, white buffalo will usually respond derisively and instantly lose all respect for you. For example, if you say something like, "Dude, the other day I needed a spoon to eat my yogurt so I went to the silverware drawer and there were like 10,000 knives in there but NO spoons. It was so ironic." then you can expect a response along the lines of, "That's not ironic, idiot. It's just poor silverware management. I mean who doesn't own a single spoon? Also, if it's really true that you have 10,000 knives, then you've just removed the last shred of doubt in my mind that you're a psychotic killer. Go bison yourself, OJ Simpson."

The name "Mark Ruffalo" (and the activity)
White buffalo enjoy the name "Mark Ruffalo," and not just because "Ruffalo" is the only true rhyme for "buffalo." You see, white buffalo have the chameleon-like advantage of being able to take on the color of any liquid that is thrown on them. If you cover a white buffalo in buffalo sauce, it becomes a red buffalo, commonly known as a "ruffalo." In addition, like people, buffalo refer to someone who is weak and easily duped as a "mark." A common prank that white buffalo will pull on each other is called "Mark Ruffaloing." To Mark Ruffalo a buffalo, you must trick said buffalo into walking into some kind of booby trap where a series of strings and pulleys or the like are rigged up to a bucket waiting to cover him/her in buffalo sauce.

A white buffalo about to be Mark Ruffaloed:
Mark Ruffalo

It is important to note that white buffalo absolutely do not actually like Mark Ruffalo the actor. Believe me, they found "13 Going on 30" and "Rumor Has It" just as nauseating as you did, if not more so.


muskrat said...

I like grammar and white buffaloes. I must be white.

Nick said...

You probably are. Comparing your interests to those of other white people is always a good way to determine whether or not you're white.

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