A tribute to "The BUFFALOg"

As you all know, I have a soft spot in my heart for the city of Buffalo...and the animal called "buffalo"...and buffalo wing sauce...and the act of buffaloing. As most of you probably also know, there is another well-respected and highly-trafficked blog about Buffalo called "The BUFFALOg," written by Craig Howard, a real unsung everyday hero and true man of the people.

The fact is that blogging is a tough business and you are bound to make some friends and enemies along the way. The Buffalo Master, after repeatedly refusing my brilliant contributions to the science of the buffalo phenomenon, has now earned himself a rightful spot on the "enemies" list. I am rarely hostile, however - when I first contact a fellow blogger, I will generally extend the olive branch, attempt to create a peaceful and mutually beneficial rapport, and of course shamelessly self-promote in their "comments" section.

Now Craig Howard and I are "brothas from anotha motha," which is something we say in the ghetto that means "similar people." Craig is a celebrity who blogs about Buffalo. I am a celebrity who blogs about Buffalo (and buffalo and buffalo and buffalo). Craig lives in Buffalo. I have been to Buffalo once, have watched the Buffalo Bills on TV a few times, and enjoy buffalo wings. We roll with the same crew, more or less.

I attempted to contact Craig a couple months ago about promoting each other's blogs. Craig's lack of response indicated to me that he found this proposal unsuitable. Maybe he didn't think I had it in me to keep posting quality content. Maybe he thought I spazzed out a little too much when I first realized what a gigantic celebrity this blog had made me. Maybe he just doesn't think I'm Buffalo enough.

So, to show my support for "The BUFFALOg" and all that it stands for, I have added it to my highly exclusive blogroll (on right side of page) and will now comment on a few of Craig's highly informative and thought-provoking posts:

Dishonesty For Ideology's Sake: I wholeheartedly agree with Craig on this one. Dickipedia is not to be trusted. Its article on the buffalo phenomenon is an embarrassing disgrace to humanity and is misleading to the point where it is corrupting the fragile minds of our nation's youth. Shame on them.

Meaningless Rankings: Now here's a great one. Craig presents an excellent rebuttal to some douchebag's claim that "Buffalo is the second poorest city in America." He concedes that it is in fact true that Buffalo has roughly the same number of poor people as Boston, a much larger city, making Buffalo about 30% "poor" and Boston only about 13% "poor." Then he says that the reason Buffalo is considered so poor is not because there are too many poor people there, but rather that there are not enough non-poor people there. So all you non-poor people: move to Buffalo now! The city needs you! Think of all the delicious wings you could be eating!

In case the non-poor people are too selfish to move to Buffalo to bring that number down, I have another solution: simply redraw the city limits to remove some of the poorer areas of Buffalo and include some of the richer outlying areas. Take this, for example:

Problem solved.

A Strange Tern Of Events (Sorry, I Couldn't Resist): This is a fascinating post that explores some important controversial topics while also making clever puns such as "tern" (the bird) instead of "turn." Quite the masterpiece. Let me just state on the record that I have no idea what a "petard" is, and I would have no clue what "schadenfreude" was either if a lady friend of mine hadn't dragged me to watch Avenue Q, which surprisingly wasn't not too unbad (I worded it that way because I'm a real man and would never admit that I actually enjoyed a musical theater production). So while the masterful use of vocabulary used in this post probably confuses 99% of Craig's audience, he brings up an important point: we might as well say "F*** it," because there will never be peace between the U.S. and Canada, and hell, none of us even want to go up and visit that country anyway. Freezing cold, rampant moose-humping, fries with gravy, and Celine Dion, all in one place? No thanks. Buffalo doesn't need any "Peace Bridge" - let the war rage on!

So there it is, Craig. Even though I currently set up shop in the Bay Area, rest assured that I BLEED BUFFALO BROWN!!! The history books will remember you and me as heroes from the same mold: tireless crusaders willing to sacrifice everything we have for the glory of Buffalo. The fact is that in this business you're either with someone or against them. Pick the right side here, buddy - if you don't do it for me, do it for Buffalo!

Modern-day feuds

Now that we no longer have the Cold War or the east coast/west coast gangsta rivalry to entertain us, you may find the world a little boring. If so, I am here to your rescue once again with the top 5 feuds of the modern era, as well as my prediction of who will come out on top.

5) Corey Hart vs. Corey Hart
The "Sunglasses at Night" singer and the Milwaukee Brewers outfielder of the same name have been bitter rivals since the latter Corey Hart made his MLB debut in 2004. After the singer allegedly ridiculed the baseball player's sub-par .193 batting average during his brief stint with the Brewers in 2005, the baseball player allegedly responded, "Are you kidding me? Why would I care what this douche says about me? I mean he's French Canadian for god's sake." However Hart (the player) often wore sunglasses during night games to mock the singer throughout the 2006 season, resulting in some costly errors in the field which allowed opposing teams to score some unnecessary runs.
WINNER: Corey Hart, in a landslide.

4) The Wilkinson family vs. the Garcia family

This feud that rocked the entire world started during a 1992 episode of the TV show "Family Feud" which pitted these soon-to-be bitter rivals against each other. Tensions were high from the opening buzzer when Sherri Wilkinson believed she had buzzed in ahead of Anna Garcia despite the fact that the buzzer recognized Garcia as the first responder. The Garcia family went on to win the game, but fell ten points short in the "fast money" round when the question was "Name a daytime TV game show" and John Garcia answered "The Price Is Right" when the #1 answer was actually "Family Feud." After this mistake, the Wilkinson family taunted their opponents mercilessly. It is unknown what happened after filming completed.
WINNER: The Garcia family. I mean they won the TV show, and that's what counts.

3) Kansas vs. Arkansas
You may not know this, but Arkansas was originally called "Kansas" when it was admitted to the union in 1836. Everything was fine until 1861 when Kansas also decided to call itself "Kansas" as a tribute to the original Kansas. Arkansas, however, did not take kindly to this action as it considered this impostor a boring cornfield state that lacked many of the things that Arkansas prided itself upon, such as the Ozarks, the nation's largest concentration of Waffle Houses per capita, and Scottie Pippen. In 1887, Arkansas, under the leadership of Governor Bill Clinton, renamed itself "Arkansas" ("our Kansas") and adopted the official state slogan "This is Arkansas, bitch. Get your own f***ing Kansas." There has been bad blood between the two states ever since.

WINNER: Kansas. The 2008 NCAA basketball final was used to decide this one.

2) The Buffalo Master vs. the "Buffalo This." blogger
The Buffalo Master considers this new cavalier blogger an unparalleled threat to the sanctity of "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." He feels that the blogger's proposed additions fly in the face of everything he has stood for throughout his tenure. The Buffalo Master and his predecessors have had many bitter rivals throughout the centuries, but none have been as hated as this one...
WINNER: Me. This blog is a lot more popular than whatever the hell "Wikipedia" is.

1) The Buffalo Master vs. the guy who wrote the Wikipedia article on "James while John had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher"

...except this one. The author of this Wikipedia article takes his literary masterpiece nearly as seriously as the Buffalo Master does his, and will stop at nothing to prove that his sentence is the greatest linguistic sentence in the English language (which doesn't include "Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den"). His main argument is that "had" has only one meaning, so using it 11 times in a row is much more impressive than using an extremely versatile word like "buffalo" 8 times in a row.
WINNER: Neither. Me again. I invented the sentence: "James while John had had 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo' had had 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo;' 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo' had had a better effect on the teacher." That clearly tops both.

The people demand buffalo!

Recently we took a poll of 10,000 regular readers of this blog and asked what they want to read more about. Almost every one gave the same answer: "More buffalo!!!" Well, ask and you shall receive...

Let me start with one important fact that you absolutely must take note of: for any number from 1 to infinity, you can compose a sentence out of exactly that many buffaloes. Let's go through a few examples:
1) "Buffalo!" Here I am either telling you to go and do some buffaloing, pointing out a herd of buffalo, or directing your attention to the city of Buffalo.
2) "Buffalo buffalo." Here I am telling you to go and buffalo some buffalo. (Seriously, go do it right now.)
More than 15) At this point you still have a technically valid sentence, although it is a run-on and involves a large number of buffalo involved in a complex hierarchical structure of buffaloing. This is not realistic. Let me tell you, I have been around a few buffalo in my days, and the fact of the matter is that if you're a buffalo then you're pretty much going to be either a buffaloer or a buffaloee. I've never seen a situation where Buffalo A buffaloes Buffalo B who buffaloes Buffalo C, who gets buffaloed by Buffalo D but buffaloes Buffalo E, and so on. Contrary to popular belief, that amount of buffaloing just doesn't happen. I am the expert and I would know.

Got it? Ok, now it's time for me to blow your mind. Recent research has produced the greatest discovery since the invention of the internet (or the cell phone, or whatever the last really huge thing was): it may be possible to expand the buffalo sentence by three additional buffaloes without making it a run-on sentence, or even a less elegant one. 18 buffaloes. I am not kidding.

Ready? Now bear with me on this one. As you are probably aware, you can add a modifier to a verb that gives it a more specific meaning. You can nap, and then you can cat-nap. You can paddle, and then you can doggy paddle. I can surprise you, and then I can Cincinnati Surprise you. As you are probably aware, the verb "to buffalo" is a versatile one that can have three different unique meanings: 1) to intimidate, 2) to confuse, and 3) to deceive. As you can imagine, there are many different ways to buffalo someone (or some buffalo).


Now imagine there is a certain way to buffalo someone that is typical of the city of Buffalo. So I can buffalo you, and then I can Buffalo buffalo you. Alternatively, imagine there is a certain way of buffaloing that buffalo typically do. You could call this type of buffaloing "buffalo buffaloing." Still another possibility is that I could buffalo you with buffalo sauce, such as throwing a pail full of buffalo sauce on you to confuse (i.e. buffalo) you. That could also be buffalo buffaloing. Let's use the second of those meanings and construct a sentence of the same form as the original 15 buffalo sentence, except with each verb "buffalo" being replaced with "buffalo buffalo." Here goes:
Buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.

Behold a true thing of beauty. You will never see the world in the same way again.

"Jordan fades back...SWISH!...and that's the game!"

The Buffalo Master is really going to hate me now.

A journey into the mind of the Buffalo Master

There are some tough jobs out there. Human shield, celebrity blogger, professional Russian roulette player, buffalo buffaloer, and so on. But there is one man above all who works his ass off day in and day out to protect the integrity of a sacred piece of scripture, receiving little recognition or thanks for his toils. As you've probably guessed, that man is the Buffalo Master.

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 500 years and do not know who the Buffalo Master is, I will provide you with a short bio. Ever since the discovery of the sentence "Buffalo buffalo buffalo." in 1503 A.D. (as in buffalo (the animal) buffalo (the verb) buffalo (the animal)), a document outlining the wonders of the buffalo phenomenon has been stored in a safe place to protect it from the many people who wish to vandalize, corrupt, or destroy it. For many centuries that place was the deepest, darkest dungeon of a castle with stone walls 200 feet high and 50 feet thick, surrounded by a moat of hungry alligators and sharks. Anyone who made it into the castle would be greeted with a pit of poisonous snakes and a series of traps that were inspired by the movie "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade." In 2005, the sacred text was relocated from the depths of the castle dungeon to this Wikipedia page. Through the centuries, one man has been entrusted with the great responsibility of guarding this text. That man is the Buffalo Master.

Artist's rendering of Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Castle:
Additional "buffaloes" have been added to the sentence from time to time, but for the last 53 years, the sentence has stood at 8 "buffaloes." The current Buffalo Master strongly opposes the addition of any more words to the sentence, which many believe is a result of this one time when he considered adding a ninth "buffalo" (the hot wings sauce) at the suggestion of a guy named Lenny O'Connor from Cincinnati. The Buffalo Master contemplated this proposition long and hard, and was about to make the necessary amendment until he discovered at the last minute that Mr. O'Connor's intentions were not pure and the only reason he wanted to add the extra "buffalo" was to promote a new wings appetizer at the local Applebee's restaurant where he worked as an assistant manager. The Buffalo Master was greatly troubled by this incident and subsequently officially declared, "The hot wings sauce shall not be considered a valid use of the word 'buffalo.'"

Ok, I think that's enough background - now onto the story of the current Buffalo Master...
The current Buffalo Master (who shall remain nameless) took on the prestigious position in 1998 when his predecessor stopped giving a shit. He is a 33-year-old man who lives with his parents in Erie, Pennsylvania, and in his day job, he works the floor in a referee shirt at Dick's Sporting Goods. He takes his position as the Buffalo Master very seriously, and a special ringtone on his cell phone alerts him instantly whenever anyone attempts to make revisions or additions to the "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" article on Wikipedia. He prides himself on always answering the call within 1 hour of any change to the article. This has caused great inconveniences in his life and has made it very difficult for him to keep a relationship. For example, the following scene actually happened: "Oh yeah! Give it to me, Buffalo Master!" ***Beep, beep, beep!*** "Oh darn it, somebody's trying to change the external links section of the buffalo article again. Sorry honey, I have to go - this can't wait!" However he gets great pride in knowing that the text will be safe from sabotage as long as it is under his watch.

Typical scene from the Buffalo Master's workstation:
So in conclusion, it is a thankless job but someone has to do it. Here's to you, Buffalo Master. Keep up the good work...and stop deleting the link to this blog, douche!