Stuff white buffalo like (#5)

For the 5th part in our series of blatant ripoffs of "Stuff white people like," it's the biggest ripoff yet: "Stuff white buffalo like." In case you've never heard of white buffalo, they're basically similar to white people: they enjoy such activities as drinking a glass of Chardonnay on a sailboat, playing a round of golf at the country club in argyle sweaters, voicing their support for Barack Obama, and lecturing others on the cultural traditions and needs of "colored" buffalo. Unlike white people, however, they are a very small minority in the U.S., where brown buffalo comprise more than 99% of the population. This demographic difference makes the social plight of white buffalo rather interesting. Right now you're probably on the edge of your seat wondering what these strange yet beautiful animals might be interested. Well the wait is over - here is some stuff white buffalo like...

Correcting bad grammar/typos

Like many white people, white buffalo are absolutely sickened by poor grammar or spelling. They will without exception instantly correct the offender and most likely ignore whatever message he/she was actually trying to get across, as important or interesting as that message might be.

For example, the following conversation would be fairly typical:

Brown buffalo: "Your never going to believe this! I just discovered an extension of Einstein's special theory of relativity! By my calculations, it should allow for faster-than-light interstellar travel as well as time travel to both the future and the past. This is going to revolutionize science! When you get some time, you should read my 83-page mathematical proof."

White buffalo: "Um...did you just use 'your' instead of 'you're?' You honestly must be mentally retarded. You disgust me, you ignorant slob. Begone!"

Note that white buffalo consider any grammatical errors in the buffalo phenomenon especially egregious. If you make such an error, prepare to be permanently ostracized from white buffalo circles and possibly even burned at the stake.

Irony
After writing this, I realized it also appeared in "Stuff white people like" (see post here). What a coincidence! Like white people, white buffalo consider irony to be the highest form of humor and will use it at every opportunity. For example, when something crazy and unpredictable happens, you might hear a white buffalo use the phrase "black swan event" to describe it. Normally using this saying would not be considered strange. However, since a white buffalo is much more rare and striking as a black swan, you would expect a white buffalo to instead use the phrase "white buffalo event." The fact that the buffalo ignores such an obvious and pertinent alternative saying is a classic example of irony at its best.

Now there is one trap that you must be certain not to fall into when interacting with white buffalo, and that is mistaking Alanis Morissette-style "irony" for actual irony. If you make this error, white buffalo will usually respond derisively and instantly lose all respect for you. For example, if you say something like, "Dude, the other day I needed a spoon to eat my yogurt so I went to the silverware drawer and there were like 10,000 knives in there but NO spoons. It was so ironic." then you can expect a response along the lines of, "That's not ironic, idiot. It's just poor silverware management. I mean who doesn't own a single spoon? Also, if it's really true that you have 10,000 knives, then you've just removed the last shred of doubt in my mind that you're a psychotic killer. Go bison yourself, OJ Simpson."

The name "Mark Ruffalo" (and the activity)
White buffalo enjoy the name "Mark Ruffalo," and not just because "Ruffalo" is the only true rhyme for "buffalo." You see, white buffalo have the chameleon-like advantage of being able to take on the color of any liquid that is thrown on them. If you cover a white buffalo in buffalo sauce, it becomes a red buffalo, commonly known as a "ruffalo." In addition, like people, buffalo refer to someone who is weak and easily duped as a "mark." A common prank that white buffalo will pull on each other is called "Mark Ruffaloing." To Mark Ruffalo a buffalo, you must trick said buffalo into walking into some kind of booby trap where a series of strings and pulleys or the like are rigged up to a bucket waiting to cover him/her in buffalo sauce.

A white buffalo about to be Mark Ruffaloed:


It is important to note that white buffalo absolutely do not actually like Mark Ruffalo the actor. Believe me, they found "13 Going on 30" and "Rumor Has It" just as nauseating as you did, if not more so.

Bailout bonanza part II

On Thursday I explained to you how the bailout is an excellent tool that the government can use to help downtrodden victims of tragic events such as investment bank CEOs.  So it looks like the $700 billion Wall Street bailout is going to happen now that both the House and Senate have passed it.  It will only be a matter of time before we're bailing out airlines, oil companies, healthcare providers, and gamblers in Las Vegas.  But why stop there?  There are so many more problems in this country that can easily be solved with a few hundred billion dollars!  Here are a few other bailout ideas that the government absolutely MUST consider to make things right for victims of other major crises:

The prisoners' bailout

Criminals are a demographic group that has been mistreated by the U.S. government throughout our nation's history.  Instead of allowing them the freedoms afforded to the rest of American citizens, we keep them locked up in cells all day, being forced to make license plates and play on terrible football teams with Adam Sandler as their quarterback and Burt Reynolds as their coach.  How can we make it up to them?  Bail them out - literally!  The government should post bail money for every criminal, from Winona Ryder to Charles Manson.  Then, to give them a good start in their new life of freedom, give each of them $10,000.  If after a few years many of them end up in jail once again, another bailout may be needed.

The Jared Fogle bailout

Obesity has become an increasingly serious problem in America.  How do you conquer obesity?  Well, exercise is obviously out of the question, because 1) nobody can afford gym memberships with the economy as bad as it is, 2) global warming has made outdoor exercise unbearable, and 3) there are so many good TV shows on these days, leaving no time for exercise.  The one factor that is within our control is how we eat.  As our beloved Jared Fogle showed us, you can lose a lot of weight just by eating at Subway for every meal.  So why not bail out everyone in America with a BMI (body mass index) over 30 (the cutoff for obesity) by giving each of them $10 a day to use on Subway subs?  Let's just hope they don't use that money to wolf down footlong Chicken Bacon Ranch subs with cheese, which weigh in at 1280 calories and 70 grams of fat apiece.  But why would they - they want to lose weight, don't they?  There's no way obese people would ever choose to eat something so unhealthy!

The smugglers' bailout

Every year, drug smugglers lose many millions of dollars worth of product due to crackdowns by U.S. government officials.  These huge losses have put many a smuggler's business and livelihood in peril, and the drug smuggling community has become increasingly agitated by these government seizures.  How can we make it up to them?  Bail them out, of course!  Whenever smugglers are caught before delivering a shipment, compensate them for this inconvenience with a $1,000,000 check!  Remember to suggest to the smugglers that they should use the money to stimulate the U.S. economy, rather than to buy better smuggling boats or more drugs.  Can we trust them to actually do this?  Well, we trusted Wall Street, didn't we?

The bailout bailout

Despite the fact that the government supports it, a lot of (extremely unpatriotic) Americans are outraged about the bailout.  How can the politicians appease them?  Bail them out, of course!  Allow any American citizen who did not support the bailout to send an official statement of their position to Washington, and then send each of them a $5,000 check.  Of course there will be people out there who supported the original bailout and are angry about the bailout bailout, but then they can be bailed out in a bailout bailout bailout.  

The buffalo bailout

In the late 19th century, millions of buffalo were killed by hunters across the American plains.  Yet 100 years later, the government has done next to nothing to make amends for this atrocious act.  But what can the government do?  Money obviously has little use to a buffalo, but money does have considerable use to buffalo activists.  Therefore I propose the government should give $10 million to anyone who publicly supports buffalo, specifically buffalo conservationists and anyone who writes a blog having to do with buffalo.  Like the economic bailout, this is an urgent matter and must be done immediately as there is no time to think about it or consider the alternatives (there are none anyway).  So George, if you're listening, I would like my bailout money in a suitcase of unmarked $100 bills, and if you could deliver that by next Wednesday or so, that would be great.

A tribute to "The BUFFALOg"

As you all know, I have a soft spot in my heart for the city of Buffalo...and the animal called "buffalo"...and buffalo wing sauce...and the act of buffaloing. As most of you probably also know, there is another well-respected and highly-trafficked blog about Buffalo called "The BUFFALOg," written by Craig Howard, a real unsung everyday hero and true man of the people.

The fact is that blogging is a tough business and you are bound to make some friends and enemies along the way. The Buffalo Master, after repeatedly refusing my brilliant contributions to the science of the buffalo phenomenon, has now earned himself a rightful spot on the "enemies" list. I am rarely hostile, however - when I first contact a fellow blogger, I will generally extend the olive branch, attempt to create a peaceful and mutually beneficial rapport, and of course shamelessly self-promote in their "comments" section.

Now Craig Howard and I are "brothas from anotha motha," which is something we say in the ghetto that means "similar people." Craig is a celebrity who blogs about Buffalo. I am a celebrity who blogs about Buffalo (and buffalo and buffalo and buffalo). Craig lives in Buffalo. I have been to Buffalo once, have watched the Buffalo Bills on TV a few times, and enjoy buffalo wings. We roll with the same crew, more or less.

I attempted to contact Craig a couple months ago about promoting each other's blogs. Craig's lack of response indicated to me that he found this proposal unsuitable. Maybe he didn't think I had it in me to keep posting quality content. Maybe he thought I spazzed out a little too much when I first realized what a gigantic celebrity this blog had made me. Maybe he just doesn't think I'm Buffalo enough.

So, to show my support for "The BUFFALOg" and all that it stands for, I have added it to my highly exclusive blogroll (on right side of page) and will now comment on a few of Craig's highly informative and thought-provoking posts:

Dishonesty For Ideology's Sake: I wholeheartedly agree with Craig on this one. Dickipedia is not to be trusted. Its article on the buffalo phenomenon is an embarrassing disgrace to humanity and is misleading to the point where it is corrupting the fragile minds of our nation's youth. Shame on them.

Meaningless Rankings: Now here's a great one. Craig presents an excellent rebuttal to some douchebag's claim that "Buffalo is the second poorest city in America." He concedes that it is in fact true that Buffalo has roughly the same number of poor people as Boston, a much larger city, making Buffalo about 30% "poor" and Boston only about 13% "poor." Then he says that the reason Buffalo is considered so poor is not because there are too many poor people there, but rather that there are not enough non-poor people there. So all you non-poor people: move to Buffalo now! The city needs you! Think of all the delicious wings you could be eating!

In case the non-poor people are too selfish to move to Buffalo to bring that number down, I have another solution: simply redraw the city limits to remove some of the poorer areas of Buffalo and include some of the richer outlying areas. Take this, for example:

Problem solved.

A Strange Tern Of Events (Sorry, I Couldn't Resist): This is a fascinating post that explores some important controversial topics while also making clever puns such as "tern" (the bird) instead of "turn." Quite the masterpiece. Let me just state on the record that I have no idea what a "petard" is, and I would have no clue what "schadenfreude" was either if a lady friend of mine hadn't dragged me to watch Avenue Q, which surprisingly wasn't not too unbad (I worded it that way because I'm a real man and would never admit that I actually enjoyed a musical theater production). So while the masterful use of vocabulary used in this post probably confuses 99% of Craig's audience, he brings up an important point: we might as well say "F*** it," because there will never be peace between the U.S. and Canada, and hell, none of us even want to go up and visit that country anyway. Freezing cold, rampant moose-humping, fries with gravy, and Celine Dion, all in one place? No thanks. Buffalo doesn't need any "Peace Bridge" - let the war rage on!

So there it is, Craig. Even though I currently set up shop in the Bay Area, rest assured that I BLEED BUFFALO BROWN!!! The history books will remember you and me as heroes from the same mold: tireless crusaders willing to sacrifice everything we have for the glory of Buffalo. The fact is that in this business you're either with someone or against them. Pick the right side here, buddy - if you don't do it for me, do it for Buffalo!

Bad news for Kim Jong-Il

Some people take out their anger in reasonable ways, such as or kicking and punching their beds in a hysterical fit or yelling a stream of obscenities at the top of their lungs in a public place.  Others take out their anger in less appropriate ways, such as throwing furniture around the room or pimp-slapping llamas at the petting zoo.  My rival, Jon of "Bison That," takes the latter route: he punches Kim Jong-Il in the face.

I don't know if this will happen every time Jon gets out-buffaloed, but I suspect it will.  If so, then Kim, I'm sorry to say this, but you are cruisin' for a bruisin'.

I admit I have been rather dismissive of bison in the past, so I'd like to bring up an important point about them now.  Contrary to popular belief, "bison" is a fairly versatile word.  It doesn't hold a candle to "buffalo," mind you, but it compares favorably to more than 99% of words in the English language.  "Bison" can refer not only to the animal, but also to the town of Bison, South Dakota (see right), the mascot of many athletic teams (including the Bucknell Bison), and a disgusting verb, defined by Wikipedia as the following:

Bison - (verb; slang; vulgar) To insert all male genitalia, including penis and testicles, into another human orifice. Often used in derogatory context. Example: "Go bison yourself."

Furthermore, as with "buffalo," the plural form of "bison" is exactly the same as the singular form.  So the sentence "Bison bison Bison bison Bison bison Bison bison Bison bison Bison bison Bison bison." is perfectly legitimate and could mean "Bison from Bison, SD that bison from Bison, SD bison Bucknell-style in turn bison Bucknell-style other bison from Bison, SD that bison from Bison, SD bison Bucknell-style."  You might call this the "bison phenomenon," although in my opinion it is not all that phenomenal.

So Jon of "Bison That" does have a point, sort of.  He has not yet attempted to express this point on his blog, but if he were to do so, it might make sense.

Jon's return from North Korea and the awakening of his blog deserved some kind of response.  So in a rather bold move to show Jon who is the Buffalo Master in this rivalry, I went ahead and created the bumper sticker below and stuck it on my car as well as every vehicle in the parking lot of the K-Mart in Niagara Falls, NY.

Note that the sticker was originally going to read: "My Buffalo buffalo Bison bisoned your Bison bison."  However in the end I chose to keep it clean and go with the G-rated slogan that doesn't involve a disgusting sexual act.  Even in the highly, HIGHLY unlikely event that I lose the Battle of the Buffalo, I will never relinquish the moral high ground.

So if you're keeping score at home, you can tally up another point for "Buffalo This."  Sorry, Kim, today is not your lucky day.

The Buffalo Phenomenon, in poorly drawn pictures

The big move

Quick update on the status of this blog: I am now officially relocating my home office to Buffalo, New York. This does not mean that I am going to be living in Buffalo (still in the Bay Area), ever traveling to Buffalo (fat chance), or becoming a Buffalo Bills fan (Steelers, baby!). But before you throw your hands up in protest and call me a carpetbagging son of a bitch, please consider the following:

-Hillary Clinton claims to be from New York and Arkansas and Illinois and pretty much every other state. I'm a hell of a lot more than a New Yorker than she is.

-Sleazy companies often establish themselves in the Cayman Islands or Delaware to avoid paying taxes and such. However, these companies generally have no physical location, other than maybe a P.O. Box, in these places. Believe me, I used to work for one such company, which was actually less of a "company" and more of a "$1.75 billion Ponzi scheme." I did not get the opportunity to go to our "headquarters" in the Cayman Islands (or even Delaware for that matter), but I did get the great pleasure of slaving over spreadsheets until midnight in the New York City office on many occasions.

-Buffalo doesn't really exist. There may be a Buffalo in the real world, but this is not the real world. It's a simulation. They could have just as easily called California "Buffalo." So what is Buffalo really? It's an abstract construct of some huge supercomputer, represented in zillions of 0's and 1's. Is anyone really "from Buffalo?" Are we all in some way "from Buffalo?" The world may never know.

Even though I am not really "from" what you would call "Buffalo," I bleed Buffalo brown and feel like more of a "Buffalonian" than most buffalo do (although maybe not more than most buffalo Buffalo buffalo).

So without further ado, I now declare: this blog is officially moving to Buffalo! Except not really.

The wisdom of old proverbs

Ok, kids, today's topic is old proverbs that can teach us important life lessons. I am now going to go through a few that I find particularly meaningful and discuss what can be learned from them.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

Hey, any projectile can keep someone away if you can throw with enough speed and accuracy. Don't skip out on baseball practice, kids.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush."

I think this refers to the time Dick Cheney shot some guy after mistaking him for a quail. I'd rather not get into this one because I like to keep things politically neutral around here. It may also have a hidden sexual meaning, because "bird" can mean a woman, and you know what "bush" is. The Italian word for "bird," "uccello," is also slang for the same thing that a certain synonym for "rooster" is slang for in English. In that case I think a "bird" in the "bush" would be worth at least 10 in the hand. This one is rather confusing all-around.

"Every rose has it's thorn, just like every night has it's dawn, just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song; every rose has it's thorn."

This is an ancient adage that dates back to the Babylonian civilization. Basically it means you have to take the good with the bad and the bad with the good. The "cowboy" part is a reference to the struggle with homosexuality that the characters in "Brokeback Mountain" faced, and the repeat of the "every rose has its thorn" part was added in 2007 to make the saying more marketable for the second season of "Rock of Love."

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
This one is from "Bambi." Ignore it - it is about a cartoon deer and has no bearing on real life.

"Before you can judge a person, you must first walk a mile with a moccasin."
This is an old Indian proverb (not sure which type of Indian). The actual wording varies. I guess if you suffer through walking a mile with a poisonous snake then you pretty much have the right to judge whoever you damn well please.

"You can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, but wouldn't you rather just take the bull's word for it?"

This one is from "Tommy Boy," an 1995 classic that swept most of that year's Academy Awards. Reminds me of a similar phrase: "If you shit needle the bull, you're going to get the horns." I think the point here is that anything you do involving a bull's rear end is probably not going to end well for you.

"To be or not to be, that is the question."

Not to be, that is the answer. This is all just a simulation. I don't understand why Shakespeare never figured that out if he was so smart.

"How much Buffalo buffalo would a Buffalo buffalo buffalo if a Buffalo buffalo could buffalo Buffalo buffalo?"
I could never figure out the answer to this riddle. My best guess is about four. The meaning of this one is supposedly very deep and is definitely way over my head.

Speaking of riddles, here's an old classic...
"If you're flying over the Grand Canyon and your canoe loses a wheel, how many chicken bones does it take to fill a doghouse?"
Purple, of course.

And finally...
"Sometimes you buffalo the buffalo, and sometimes the buffalo buffaloes you."

Amen, brother.

Guess who's back

Seriously, guess who it is. Any clue? Nobody? Bueller? The answer, which may come as a shock to many of you, is me.

What a satisfying four days on the Outer Banks! Just me, my entourage, and the occasional paparazzi photographer trying to snap a photo of me changing into my swim trunks. Life just doesn't get much better than that.

I may have been in Carolina, but my mind was, of course, in Buffalo the entire time.

As the old James Taylor song goes (I think):

In my mind I'm goin' to Buffalo
Can't you see the buffalo?
Can't you just taste the buffalo sauce?
Ain't it just like a buffalo of mine
To buffalo me from behind?
Yes I'm goin' to Buffalo in my mind

You were probably expecting an inspirational, breathtaking, life-altering post today. Too bad. As the old saying goes, sometimes you buffalo the buffalo and sometimes the buffalo buffaloes you. Wait til you see what I've got for you tomorrow though...

The Beach Boys weigh in

Bad news for people who can't live without this award-winning, inspirational, Pulitzer-worthy blog: I'm going to the beach for awhile, so I won't be posting anything until Wednesday (sound of people fainting). Calm down, it's ok, you'll survive - I think. In the meantime, try reading this blog, or maybe this one, to hold you over.

Before I go though, let me leave you with a little tune I used to relax and listen to while lounging on the shores of Lake Erie, enjoying some wings at the Anchor Bar, or barreling over Niagara Falls. It was inspired by an old Beach Boys song.

(begin island rhythm)

Northwest of NYC
There's a place called Buffalo
That's where you wanna go
To see some buffalo

Buffalo sauce in your hand
Buffalo roam across the land
You can watch all the buffalo
Buffalo Buffalo buffalo
Way up in Buffalo

[Chorus]
Rochester, Syracuse
Don't make any excuse
If you're in Erie or Cleveland
It's time to be leavin'
Albany or Scranton...
Ooo I want to take you up to Buffalo
We'll find some buffalo to buffalo
Then cover all of them in buffalo
And watch them buffalo

Right across the "eau"
There's a place called Toronto
Full of Freedom Canadians
That's not where you wanna go
Just stay in Buffalo

[Chorus]

Eat some buffalo wings
Watch buffalo buffalo all kinds of things
See "buffalo" in all its meanings
Enjoy whatever it brings
Way up in Buffalo

(To tune of chorus)
Buffalo buffalo bu-u-u-u-ffalo
Buffalo buffalo bu-u-u-u-ffalo
Buffalo buffalo bu-u-u-u-ffalo
Buffalo buffalo...
Ooo I want to take you up to Buffalo
We'll find some buffalo to buffalo...
(fade out)


I'd like to thank Brian Wilson for that little chestnut, who if you don't know was a member of the Beach Boys and later went on to become a pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. Speaking of which...more pop culture stars in baseball!?! Come on!

Stuff Buffalo Like (#2)

You knew this was coming. The second part in our who-the-hell-knows-how-many part series "Stuff _____ Like" is dedicated to our big, furry, brown friends who give meaning to our otherwise mundane and worthless lives: buffalo!

Lingustics
There are few things a buffalo enjoys more than an interesting, grammatically flawless, and cleverly worded sentence. It probably comes as no surprise to you that buffalo find the buffalo phenomenon very fascinating and are honored to have the privilege of being part of the English language's greatest and most notable linguistic masterpiece. In fact, I recently had the honor of being able to journey to Buffalo, NY for Buffalofest '08, where several buffalo that were buffaloed by other buffalo buffaloed other buffalo that were occasionally buffaloed by other buffalo. They were all covered in hot wing sauce and buffaloed the other buffalo in the traditional style of the city. I think the play-by-play announcer, Dick Vitale, gave quite an accurate description of the event:
Buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo. It's awesome baby!
That's basically what happened, more or less.

Buffaloing buffalo - do NOT try this at home:

Almost going extinct, then coming back like Jordan, wearing the 45
The fact is that nobody cares about animals that aren't and/or weren't at one time endangered. Take deer for example. People are always killing them with guns and cars, and most people are absolutely disgusted by the sight of one and will often vomit uncontrollably. Everyone hates them. It is almost ridiculous to suggest that the noble buffalo could possibly be placed on the same whatever-the-opposite-of-a-pedestal-is as the lowly, vile, abhorrent deer, but in another simulated world, that may have easily come to pass. In the late 19th to early 20th century, buffalo were almost hunted to extinction by settlers and were often killed for their fur, meat, or bones, or in street fights between rival gangs. In 1905 the Buffalo king approached American president Teddy Roosevelt and revealed to him the ancient secret of the buffalo phenomenon. Roosevelt was so awestruck that he declared that killing a buffalo was to be made a federal offense punishable by slow, painful death. The buffalo population soon rebounded and buffalo ascended to an almost godlike status in the minds of the American public. What a shrewd, cunning move on the part of the buffalo. Of course I would expect no less from them.

Being called "buffalo" rather than "bison"
The following piece of artwork demonstrates the difference between a buffalo and a bi son:

Buffalo do not take kindly to being called "bison," "bi son," "carpet-munching daughter," or "unloved, confused transsexual hermaphrodite offspring." I suggest not making this mistake if you don't want to be blacklisted by all buffalo worldwide.

Modern-day feuds

Now that we no longer have the Cold War or the east coast/west coast gangsta rivalry to entertain us, you may find the world a little boring. If so, I am here to your rescue once again with the top 5 feuds of the modern era, as well as my prediction of who will come out on top.

5) Corey Hart vs. Corey Hart
The "Sunglasses at Night" singer and the Milwaukee Brewers outfielder of the same name have been bitter rivals since the latter Corey Hart made his MLB debut in 2004. After the singer allegedly ridiculed the baseball player's sub-par .193 batting average during his brief stint with the Brewers in 2005, the baseball player allegedly responded, "Are you kidding me? Why would I care what this douche says about me? I mean he's French Canadian for god's sake." However Hart (the player) often wore sunglasses during night games to mock the singer throughout the 2006 season, resulting in some costly errors in the field which allowed opposing teams to score some unnecessary runs.
WINNER: Corey Hart, in a landslide.

4) The Wilkinson family vs. the Garcia family

This feud that rocked the entire world started during a 1992 episode of the TV show "Family Feud" which pitted these soon-to-be bitter rivals against each other. Tensions were high from the opening buzzer when Sherri Wilkinson believed she had buzzed in ahead of Anna Garcia despite the fact that the buzzer recognized Garcia as the first responder. The Garcia family went on to win the game, but fell ten points short in the "fast money" round when the question was "Name a daytime TV game show" and John Garcia answered "The Price Is Right" when the #1 answer was actually "Family Feud." After this mistake, the Wilkinson family taunted their opponents mercilessly. It is unknown what happened after filming completed.
WINNER: The Garcia family. I mean they won the TV show, and that's what counts.

3) Kansas vs. Arkansas
You may not know this, but Arkansas was originally called "Kansas" when it was admitted to the union in 1836. Everything was fine until 1861 when Kansas also decided to call itself "Kansas" as a tribute to the original Kansas. Arkansas, however, did not take kindly to this action as it considered this impostor a boring cornfield state that lacked many of the things that Arkansas prided itself upon, such as the Ozarks, the nation's largest concentration of Waffle Houses per capita, and Scottie Pippen. In 1887, Arkansas, under the leadership of Governor Bill Clinton, renamed itself "Arkansas" ("our Kansas") and adopted the official state slogan "This is Arkansas, bitch. Get your own f***ing Kansas." There has been bad blood between the two states ever since.

WINNER: Kansas. The 2008 NCAA basketball final was used to decide this one.

2) The Buffalo Master vs. the "Buffalo This." blogger
The Buffalo Master considers this new cavalier blogger an unparalleled threat to the sanctity of "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." He feels that the blogger's proposed additions fly in the face of everything he has stood for throughout his tenure. The Buffalo Master and his predecessors have had many bitter rivals throughout the centuries, but none have been as hated as this one...
WINNER: Me. This blog is a lot more popular than whatever the hell "Wikipedia" is.

1) The Buffalo Master vs. the guy who wrote the Wikipedia article on "James while John had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher"

...except this one. The author of this Wikipedia article takes his literary masterpiece nearly as seriously as the Buffalo Master does his, and will stop at nothing to prove that his sentence is the greatest linguistic sentence in the English language (which doesn't include "Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den"). His main argument is that "had" has only one meaning, so using it 11 times in a row is much more impressive than using an extremely versatile word like "buffalo" 8 times in a row.
WINNER: Neither. Me again. I invented the sentence: "James while John had had 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo' had had 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo;' 'buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo' had had a better effect on the teacher." That clearly tops both.

The people demand buffalo!

Recently we took a poll of 10,000 regular readers of this blog and asked what they want to read more about. Almost every one gave the same answer: "More buffalo!!!" Well, ask and you shall receive...

Let me start with one important fact that you absolutely must take note of: for any number from 1 to infinity, you can compose a sentence out of exactly that many buffaloes. Let's go through a few examples:
1) "Buffalo!" Here I am either telling you to go and do some buffaloing, pointing out a herd of buffalo, or directing your attention to the city of Buffalo.
2) "Buffalo buffalo." Here I am telling you to go and buffalo some buffalo. (Seriously, go do it right now.)
More than 15) At this point you still have a technically valid sentence, although it is a run-on and involves a large number of buffalo involved in a complex hierarchical structure of buffaloing. This is not realistic. Let me tell you, I have been around a few buffalo in my days, and the fact of the matter is that if you're a buffalo then you're pretty much going to be either a buffaloer or a buffaloee. I've never seen a situation where Buffalo A buffaloes Buffalo B who buffaloes Buffalo C, who gets buffaloed by Buffalo D but buffaloes Buffalo E, and so on. Contrary to popular belief, that amount of buffaloing just doesn't happen. I am the expert and I would know.

Got it? Ok, now it's time for me to blow your mind. Recent research has produced the greatest discovery since the invention of the internet (or the cell phone, or whatever the last really huge thing was): it may be possible to expand the buffalo sentence by three additional buffaloes without making it a run-on sentence, or even a less elegant one. 18 buffaloes. I am not kidding.

Ready? Now bear with me on this one. As you are probably aware, you can add a modifier to a verb that gives it a more specific meaning. You can nap, and then you can cat-nap. You can paddle, and then you can doggy paddle. I can surprise you, and then I can Cincinnati Surprise you. As you are probably aware, the verb "to buffalo" is a versatile one that can have three different unique meanings: 1) to intimidate, 2) to confuse, and 3) to deceive. As you can imagine, there are many different ways to buffalo someone (or some buffalo).


Now imagine there is a certain way to buffalo someone that is typical of the city of Buffalo. So I can buffalo you, and then I can Buffalo buffalo you. Alternatively, imagine there is a certain way of buffaloing that buffalo typically do. You could call this type of buffaloing "buffalo buffaloing." Still another possibility is that I could buffalo you with buffalo sauce, such as throwing a pail full of buffalo sauce on you to confuse (i.e. buffalo) you. That could also be buffalo buffaloing. Let's use the second of those meanings and construct a sentence of the same form as the original 15 buffalo sentence, except with each verb "buffalo" being replaced with "buffalo buffalo." Here goes:
Buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.

Behold a true thing of beauty. You will never see the world in the same way again.

"Jordan fades back...SWISH!...and that's the game!"

The Buffalo Master is really going to hate me now.

They can take our lives, but they can never take our "freedom!"

I'm not a political man. Exhibit A: Do you currently see me running for President of the United States? No, you do not (contrary to popular belief, I am not Bob Barr). Case in point. However, I do know a couple things about politics, like the fact that we're involved in a controversial war with France right now. Speaking of which, as a true American citizen I feel that it is my duty to weigh in on one major current issue: whether or not we should refer to French fries as "freedom fries." My opinion on this matter is that we should not only replace the "French" in "French fries," but also replace "French" in any other context as well, with "freedom."

You see, rejecting all things French is a great American tradition dating back to the 1700's when the city of "Beau Fleuve" ("beautiful river") in western New York was renamed "Buffalo." The significance of this event cannot be understated. Had this not occurred, neither the city nor the hot wings sauce would be called "buffalo," and consequently the buffalo phenomenon would not be nearly as fascinating as it is. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it would be no more fascinating than the sentence "Police police police police police police police."

Now that we are at war, continuing this tradition is of unquestionable importance. That's why I eat freedom toast with freedom fries and a side of freedom onion soup. This should expand to all phrases and expressions in the English language. Freedom kiss your significant other. Play the freedom horn in the marching band. Admire the basketball skills of Larry Bird, the "hick from Freedom Lick." Come on people, we can do this! Let's stick it to those dirty fucking Freedom-men! (Pardon my freedom.)

Oh, one more thing: you have to admit that George Michael's song "Freedom! '90" would never have been the timeless musical masterpiece that it is if it hadn't been censored due to the war. Watch the video (click link above) and imagine what it would sound like if "French" were substituted for every "freedom" as the artist had originally intended. Mr. Michael, you are a true patriot.

So from now on, I urge you to avoid using the F-word in all cases (the 6-letter F-word I mean; the 4-letter one is fine, especially in reference to the Fr**ch). Keep fighting the good fight and I guarantee you we will prevail. I mean it's not like the French have ever WON a war!

The LHC might not kill us after all!

Good news! After crunching the numbers again, it ends up that the probability of us all being killed by the Large Hadron Collider is less than I originally thought! There are a few more very possible scenarios that you need to be aware of:

1) The It's It Scenario
The LHC creates a wormhole, through which beings from the future send back a new and improved It's It bar. It is found to be extremely delicious.

2) The Buffalet Scenario
Similar to the strangelet (strange matter) scenario, except in this case a particle is produced that has crazy quantum properties that allow for the possibility of a non-run-on sentence consisting of only the word "buffalo" 50 times in a row. This "buffalet" particle starts a chain reaction that converts all particles in the solar system to buffalet particles. The buffalo phenomenon becomes even more awe-inspiring and the world is a better place as a result.

3) The Stranger Scenario
Also similar to the strangelet scenario. Basically what happens is that the LHC produces something amazing that unlocks the secret to the universe. The physicist running the machine at the time is so excited about this finding that he bursts into a nearby office unannounced...and walks in on his colleague giving himself the stranger. This moment is so awkward that it causes a wave of awkwardness that sweeps across the planet. We don't die, but things are extremely awkward for the next 100 years or so until the awkwardness evaporates.

4) The Bad False Vacuum Scenario
Ok, this one sort of blows. Some scientists think that we may be living in a "false vacuum" and that a "true vacuum" with lower potential energy exists. The energy of the collisions produced by this particle collider may be enough to overcome the barrier needed to knock us into the "true vacuum" state. A bubble of this new vacuum state expands through the universe at near-light speed, killing everything in its path, including all of us and all other lifeforms in the universe, except maybe cockroaches. Whoops. Sorry, aliens - our bad.

5) The Good False Vacuum Scenario
A bubble of superior vacuum cleaners (probably the Oreck XL21 Titanium Series) sweeps through the entire universe, replacing all the crappy vacuums in its path. Aliens from far-away galaxies thank us for making their floors cleaner than they ever imagined possible.

So if you're keeping score at home, the odds of us all being killed by this thing are now estimated to be only 6 out of 11, or about 54.5%. Still not great, but the fact remains that doing these experiments is inevitable because it is natural human instinct to want to smash stuff into each other and see what happens (hey, that's how you were born!). My advice to you is to not sweat the small stuff, like whether or not you're about to be painfully spaghettified by a black hole or blown to pieces by an expanding vacuum bubble of doom. There are a lot more important things to worry about, such as the relationship status of these two "celebrities" that nobody has ever heard of. Party on, Wayne.

*Thanks to Jon Frank for the original ideas for scenarios #1 and 3.

A journey into the mind of the Buffalo Master

There are some tough jobs out there. Human shield, celebrity blogger, professional Russian roulette player, buffalo buffaloer, and so on. But there is one man above all who works his ass off day in and day out to protect the integrity of a sacred piece of scripture, receiving little recognition or thanks for his toils. As you've probably guessed, that man is the Buffalo Master.

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 500 years and do not know who the Buffalo Master is, I will provide you with a short bio. Ever since the discovery of the sentence "Buffalo buffalo buffalo." in 1503 A.D. (as in buffalo (the animal) buffalo (the verb) buffalo (the animal)), a document outlining the wonders of the buffalo phenomenon has been stored in a safe place to protect it from the many people who wish to vandalize, corrupt, or destroy it. For many centuries that place was the deepest, darkest dungeon of a castle with stone walls 200 feet high and 50 feet thick, surrounded by a moat of hungry alligators and sharks. Anyone who made it into the castle would be greeted with a pit of poisonous snakes and a series of traps that were inspired by the movie "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade." In 2005, the sacred text was relocated from the depths of the castle dungeon to this Wikipedia page. Through the centuries, one man has been entrusted with the great responsibility of guarding this text. That man is the Buffalo Master.

Artist's rendering of Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Castle:
Additional "buffaloes" have been added to the sentence from time to time, but for the last 53 years, the sentence has stood at 8 "buffaloes." The current Buffalo Master strongly opposes the addition of any more words to the sentence, which many believe is a result of this one time when he considered adding a ninth "buffalo" (the hot wings sauce) at the suggestion of a guy named Lenny O'Connor from Cincinnati. The Buffalo Master contemplated this proposition long and hard, and was about to make the necessary amendment until he discovered at the last minute that Mr. O'Connor's intentions were not pure and the only reason he wanted to add the extra "buffalo" was to promote a new wings appetizer at the local Applebee's restaurant where he worked as an assistant manager. The Buffalo Master was greatly troubled by this incident and subsequently officially declared, "The hot wings sauce shall not be considered a valid use of the word 'buffalo.'"

Ok, I think that's enough background - now onto the story of the current Buffalo Master...
The current Buffalo Master (who shall remain nameless) took on the prestigious position in 1998 when his predecessor stopped giving a shit. He is a 33-year-old man who lives with his parents in Erie, Pennsylvania, and in his day job, he works the floor in a referee shirt at Dick's Sporting Goods. He takes his position as the Buffalo Master very seriously, and a special ringtone on his cell phone alerts him instantly whenever anyone attempts to make revisions or additions to the "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" article on Wikipedia. He prides himself on always answering the call within 1 hour of any change to the article. This has caused great inconveniences in his life and has made it very difficult for him to keep a relationship. For example, the following scene actually happened: "Oh yeah! Give it to me, Buffalo Master!" ***Beep, beep, beep!*** "Oh darn it, somebody's trying to change the external links section of the buffalo article again. Sorry honey, I have to go - this can't wait!" However he gets great pride in knowing that the text will be safe from sabotage as long as it is under his watch.

Typical scene from the Buffalo Master's workstation:
So in conclusion, it is a thankless job but someone has to do it. Here's to you, Buffalo Master. Keep up the good work...and stop deleting the link to this blog, douche!

Fame don't buffalo me

Now that "Buffalo This" is another wayward piece of crap floating around in the almighty blogosphere, the real challenge to this business has become evident: getting people to give a shit about your blog. I started this thing with the very reasonable and practical goal of getting 1 million regular readers by the end of July 2008. I'm not going to rule anything out yet, but as of now making that goal does not look very likely. As far as I know, nobody has commented on my posts (Can't I even get some obnoxious idiot to write "FIRST!!!" on one of the comment boards? Come on!), and at last count I have one regular reader - myself - and maybe some irregular readers - people that have stumbled upon this blog from a Google search or the link to my blog on Wikipedia's Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo page that some Big Brotheresque censorship-happy douchebag keeps deleting. Once I start spreading news of this blog to friends and family by word of mouth, maybe I'll get a few more readers. But it's a long way to 1 million.

On a different note, being a celebrity has not been nearly as tough as I expected it to be. (Note to the staff of "Us Weekly": I am NOT having an affair with Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba. We are just friends, seriously!) I really don't get why the stars complain so much. Of course it is a little annoying having to avoid doing things like going to the club without underwear or keeping questionable photos on my cell phone. It could just be that this is so easy for me because I am not the type to be easily buffaloed by the paparazzi - maybe some of the other celebs out there who aren't as tough as I am let the 'razzi get into their dome piece more than I do. Being a celebrity does have its perks however. Being super-loaded and having millions of people who idolize you are great, but nothing is as satisfying as being able to say to yourself in the mirror every morning, "Lookin' good there chief (I call myself 'chief' a lot). People worship you. You are the f***ing man!!!" Until you're famous you have no idea how great that is. A lyric from David Bowie's song "Fame" comes closest to describing the feeling: "Fame!" That should give you a pretty clear picture of what it's like.

Let's get to 1 million! Or at least 10! Come on, anyone?

More buffalo than you can handle

Ok, now that that's out of my system and I've come to grips with my newfound status on the A-list, the time has come to discuss an important issue: buffalo. Fifteen of them to be precise.

Buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo. And do they ever.

For those who are not aware that this is a grammatically correct sentence, allow me to enlighten you. The word "buffalo" is a magical one that has four meanings:
1) (noun) A large, hairy bovine mammal.
2) (noun) A city in western New York state.
3) (noun) A type of hot wing sauce (or (adj) anything covered in this sauce).
4) (verb) To bully or intimidate.

The order of these words in the sentence above is as follows: 3 2 1 3 2 1 4 4 3 2 1 3 2 1 4. If you still don't get it, let's replace (1) with "bison," (2) with "Rochester," (3) with "saucy," and (4) with "bully." Let's also throw in the optional word "that" a few times. Then the sentence becomes:
Saucy Rochester bison that saucy Rochester bison bully (in turn) bully (other) saucy Rochester bison that saucy Rochester bison bully.

So now it should make sense. If it still doesn't, I recommend that you go back and repeat the second grade, and while you're at it, go ahead and make a movie about it because "Billy Madison" was hilarious and could really use a sequel.

The reason the "buffalo phenomenon" is near and dear to my heart is because a friend and I were the ones who added the hot wing sauce and the fourth "buffalo Buffalo buffalo" clause to it, expanding the total number of words in the sentence from 8 to 15 (notice Wikipedia still only recognizes 8 however). This is the reason that if I am struck down tomorrow by a meteor or tsunami or the like, I can die satisfied that I have made a great contribution to science that might even earn me a posthumous Nobel prize.

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "Wait a minute. That could never happen." Once again, you would be terribly mistaken. You only need to find 8 buffalo (2 for each of the 4 "buffalo Buffalo buffalo" clauses to make each one plural), transport them to Buffalo, cover them all in hot wing sauce, then manipulate two groups of two to buffalo the other two respective groups of two, and later manipulate one of the two groups that were originally buffaloed to buffalo the other previously buffaloed group. It's that simple!

In case you still have questions, here are some FAQ and my answers:
Q: "Don't you need punctuation or the word 'that' somewhere in there?"
A: "No. Who's the expert here - me or you? That's what I thought."

Q: "There never were any buffalo in Buffalo. They are actually called 'bison.'"
A: "If you would be so kind, please fuck off. They're called 'buffalo,' you gigantic nerd. This is America - if you don't like it then you can get the hell out!"

Q: "Couldn't you add more buffaloes and still have a grammatically correct sentence?"
A: "Technically yes, but then it would be a run-on sentence and would just start to sound silly. Try going around saying 'buffalo' more than 15 times in a row and see if they don't throw you in the loony bin."