How to be famous

As an A-list celebrity, I often have people asking me what they can do to become extremely famous like I am. The surprising fact is that it's not that difficult, you just need to know the tricks. What I am about to reveal to you are five well-kept secrets of the A-list elite that have been passed down from generation to generation. With the help of this knowledge, you can be the talk of the nation in no time.


1) Declare that you're back, even though you were never really there in the first place
This trick was flawlessly executed by the Backstreet Boys. Despite the fact that nobody had ever heard of them, they released the song "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)." At this point, everyone realized that they must have missed the Backstreet Boys their first time around, so they pretended to like them because according to the song, everybody else did. Even better, the song was addressed to "everybody," so anybody who didn't know who the Backstreet Boys were pretended that they did so they wouldn't look really clueless. A brilliant strategy.


2) Be really, really terrible at something and make sure everyone knows it
Ever hear of this guy (click on the link, dummy)? He is probably the worst singer in the history of the universe and a terrible dancer to boot. Still, everyone in America knew who he was and he got a record deal. Not everyone can be talented, but everyone can be really, really, ridiculously un-talented.

Here are a few ideas on how you might be able to execute this trick:

-Become the CEO of a major pharmaceutical corporation. Hold a press conference and state that you are "this close" (holding thumb and forefinger exactly one centimeter apart) to finding the cure for every type of cancer. Then hold another press conference a month later saying that you read the memo wrong and instead of "cancer" it said "canker sores"...and the drug has the undesirable side effect of killing everyone who takes it. Follow by saying that you project a 90% decrease in sales this quarter and expect a lot of people to sue the company because all of your products are crap. This little stunt will likely get you to the front page of the Wall Street Journal and maybe even an appearance on "The Colbert Report" if you play your cards right.

-Sign a $20 million contract with the New York Yankees and then strike out every time you get up and make at least 10 fielding errors every game for the entire season. They will have paid too much for you to be able to justify benching you. To increase your media exposure, bad-mouth your teammates at every opportunity.

-Convince the NFL to allow you to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show. Get a bad microphone that screeches like nails on a chalkboard. Sing offensively off-key. Rip off a clothing article that reveals someone's breast. Stop suddenly in the middle of a song and declare, "Whoops, I forgot the words!" People love bad performances, and 100 million or so people will be watching. Jackpot.


3) Imitate other celebrities
This really applies to any goal. Want to be a great swimmer? Easy - just do things exactly like Michael Phelps does. Imitate his form and swim the 100 meter freestyle in 47 seconds. Easy Olympic gold medal right there. Want to be a great poker player? Learn the tricks of Doyle Brunson and Johnny Chan and you'll be taking home the big World Series prize in no time. Want to be great at being famous? Just do what those who have succeeded in becoming famous do.

For example:

-Keep people guessing what you're going to do next. Rapidly gain and lose weight. Do as many different drugs as possible and check in and out of rehab at least once a month. Make sure your blood alcohol level is at least .15 every time you drive.

-Adopt a bunch of kids from all over the world and name them the most ridiculous names possible.

-Send photos of yourself walking around Hollywood or Manhattan's West Village to Us Weekly every week. Appear with other celebrities if possible.

-Drive a Prius.


4) Come up with a catch phrase
This has worked like a charm for many people in the past. Take for example "Hasta la vista, baby" (Arnold Schwarzenegger), "Suck it, Trebek!" (Sean Connery), and "It's Britney, bitch" (Britney Spears). These people would never have become famous had they not come up with these catch phrases. When deciding which catch phrase to pick, remember to keep it brief, and the more controversial or offensive, the better. Something like "Buffalo this, motherf***ers!" might be a good choice.


5) Write an awesome blog This will rocket you straight to the top of the A-list. Trust me.

The rivalry

Almost every great person or institution in history has had a rival.

Take the following examples:

• The Romans/The Greeks


• The ancient Babylonians/The Soviet Union


• Muhammad Ali/Joe Frazier


• Ohio State/Michigan


• Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama


• The Buffalo Master/The "James while John had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher" guy
  
• Eva Longoria/Evan Longoria


• Tom Cruise/me


• Your mom/The prostitute that works on the adjacent street corner

Rivals keep us going and aspire us to be all we can be (sort of like the army in this regard).

Due to the overwhelming success and popularity of this blog, a rival has arisen to challenge the greatness that is "Buffalo This." That rival is "Bison That." This guy is apparently offended by the disrespect I have shown toward bison.


Apparently he's another celebrity who cares a lot about buffalo, and his name is "Jon." I suspect it may be Jon Stewart. If it is, I have this to say: Stewart, you rascal! Up to your old tricks again, I see? You can't buffalo me with that weak attempt. Go back to your "Daily Show" or whatever that's called. News flash, buddy: nobody watches it! Good luck trying to make it big with that - you'll need it!

Anyway, time will tell whether "Bison That" can prove itself to be a formidable competitor to "Buffalo This." My guess is I'm about to go Ali on his weak Frazier ass.

The LHC might not kill us after all!

Good news! After crunching the numbers again, it ends up that the probability of us all being killed by the Large Hadron Collider is less than I originally thought! There are a few more very possible scenarios that you need to be aware of:

1) The It's It Scenario
The LHC creates a wormhole, through which beings from the future send back a new and improved It's It bar. It is found to be extremely delicious.

2) The Buffalet Scenario
Similar to the strangelet (strange matter) scenario, except in this case a particle is produced that has crazy quantum properties that allow for the possibility of a non-run-on sentence consisting of only the word "buffalo" 50 times in a row. This "buffalet" particle starts a chain reaction that converts all particles in the solar system to buffalet particles. The buffalo phenomenon becomes even more awe-inspiring and the world is a better place as a result.

3) The Stranger Scenario
Also similar to the strangelet scenario. Basically what happens is that the LHC produces something amazing that unlocks the secret to the universe. The physicist running the machine at the time is so excited about this finding that he bursts into a nearby office unannounced...and walks in on his colleague giving himself the stranger. This moment is so awkward that it causes a wave of awkwardness that sweeps across the planet. We don't die, but things are extremely awkward for the next 100 years or so until the awkwardness evaporates.

4) The Bad False Vacuum Scenario
Ok, this one sort of blows. Some scientists think that we may be living in a "false vacuum" and that a "true vacuum" with lower potential energy exists. The energy of the collisions produced by this particle collider may be enough to overcome the barrier needed to knock us into the "true vacuum" state. A bubble of this new vacuum state expands through the universe at near-light speed, killing everything in its path, including all of us and all other lifeforms in the universe, except maybe cockroaches. Whoops. Sorry, aliens - our bad.

5) The Good False Vacuum Scenario
A bubble of superior vacuum cleaners (probably the Oreck XL21 Titanium Series) sweeps through the entire universe, replacing all the crappy vacuums in its path. Aliens from far-away galaxies thank us for making their floors cleaner than they ever imagined possible.

So if you're keeping score at home, the odds of us all being killed by this thing are now estimated to be only 6 out of 11, or about 54.5%. Still not great, but the fact remains that doing these experiments is inevitable because it is natural human instinct to want to smash stuff into each other and see what happens (hey, that's how you were born!). My advice to you is to not sweat the small stuff, like whether or not you're about to be painfully spaghettified by a black hole or blown to pieces by an expanding vacuum bubble of doom. There are a lot more important things to worry about, such as the relationship status of these two "celebrities" that nobody has ever heard of. Party on, Wayne.

*Thanks to Jon Frank for the original ideas for scenarios #1 and 3.

Fame don't buffalo me

Now that "Buffalo This" is another wayward piece of crap floating around in the almighty blogosphere, the real challenge to this business has become evident: getting people to give a shit about your blog. I started this thing with the very reasonable and practical goal of getting 1 million regular readers by the end of July 2008. I'm not going to rule anything out yet, but as of now making that goal does not look very likely. As far as I know, nobody has commented on my posts (Can't I even get some obnoxious idiot to write "FIRST!!!" on one of the comment boards? Come on!), and at last count I have one regular reader - myself - and maybe some irregular readers - people that have stumbled upon this blog from a Google search or the link to my blog on Wikipedia's Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo page that some Big Brotheresque censorship-happy douchebag keeps deleting. Once I start spreading news of this blog to friends and family by word of mouth, maybe I'll get a few more readers. But it's a long way to 1 million.

On a different note, being a celebrity has not been nearly as tough as I expected it to be. (Note to the staff of "Us Weekly": I am NOT having an affair with Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba. We are just friends, seriously!) I really don't get why the stars complain so much. Of course it is a little annoying having to avoid doing things like going to the club without underwear or keeping questionable photos on my cell phone. It could just be that this is so easy for me because I am not the type to be easily buffaloed by the paparazzi - maybe some of the other celebs out there who aren't as tough as I am let the 'razzi get into their dome piece more than I do. Being a celebrity does have its perks however. Being super-loaded and having millions of people who idolize you are great, but nothing is as satisfying as being able to say to yourself in the mirror every morning, "Lookin' good there chief (I call myself 'chief' a lot). People worship you. You are the f***ing man!!!" Until you're famous you have no idea how great that is. A lyric from David Bowie's song "Fame" comes closest to describing the feeling: "Fame!" That should give you a pretty clear picture of what it's like.

Let's get to 1 million! Or at least 10! Come on, anyone?

Kids these days...

There comes a day for each of us when we realize we're no longer spring chickens and that we should just throw in the towel and start going to bridge club and watching "Welcome Back, Kotter" reruns all day. The big sign for me was not someone pointing out my excessive use of the phrase, "Eh, sonny? Eh?" or loss of bowel control, but a more nebulous combination of things such as only recognizing 2 or 3 songs on the Billboard pop chart, no longer being able to make much solid contact at the 85mph batting cage, being ridiculed about my age at a college beirut tournament, identifying with Toby Keith's song "As Good as I Once Was," and not getting what the hell this "Hannah Montana" craze is all about. Yes, at the ripe old age of 25 I finally understand the difficulties of the senior life.

So for one time and only one time, I'm going to stoop to the level of far inferior and less popular blogosphere member Perez Hilton and look at what kids these days are up to, from an old fart's perspective.


"Bobby, that woman is the devil!"

Who in tarnation is this floozy Amy Winehouse supposed to be? I guess she had one big song or something. Is it really that easy to be a huge celebrity these days that this dirty British tore up from the floor up crack whore can do it? I mean it's not like she writes a hilarious blog or anything. What's the big deal?


Soap opera stars and cheesy 80's pop singers invade baseball

So the balloting for the final two players to make the 2008 Major League Baseball All-Star game is finished, and the winners are: Evan Longoria, star of "Desperate Housewives," and Corey Hart, best known for his 1984 single "Sunglasses at Night." What is this world coming to where our national pastime has been corrupted by celebrities with little or no baseball talent? Hell, Amy Winehouse would probably be on the Kansas City Royals' roster if she didn't violate the league's substance abuse policy. Heavens to Betsy!

Disney gone wild

Back in my day, the big Disney Channel stars were cartoon mice and the like. Now the star of some "High School Musical" show that young'uns supposedly consider to be the cat's pajamas gets caught sending pornographic images of herself to her ambiguously gay co-star/boyfriend. Well I never! Isn't there any sense of decency in the world anymore? I want my kids watching Sesame Street, not common street trash!


Kids these days, I tell you, I could go on forever with war stories from my time in 'Nam or valuable "when I was your age" anecdotes, but unfortunately I just crapped my pants. Oops.

I'm famous!

All right!!! I am finally posting stuff on the Internet that everyone in the world is going to read! Yeah, dude! I'm famous!!! I'm famous!!!
I'M FAMOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!