Movie review: "Bei-Robut"

Bei-Robut (2006), starring Bei-Robut as himself. Supporting actors are Jonathan Frank, Nick Damiano, Brian Tran, and Random Korean Guy.
Awards: Best Picture, Best Screenplay, Best Actor (Bei-Robut), Best Nerd (Tran), Best Portrayal of a Beirut or Beer Pong Game, Best Robot with a Boston Accent (Bei-Robut), Best Supporting Supporting Actor (Random Korean Guy), all in 2006.

Wow. It is rare that you see a movie that makes you laugh and cry at the same time and blows you away with incredible cinematography and special effects. Such movies come along only once in a decade it seems, and for the 2000's (2001-2010), this is most certainly the one.

The movie starts by exploring a common but rarely acknowledged stereotype in society: the inability of robots to play beirut/beer pong. It then proceeds to brilliantly develop several complex characters: the Obnoxious Dudes (Damiano and Frank), Poindexter (Tran), and Bei-Robut (himself), a robot out to fight the stereotypes that plague the world around him and teach the doubters a valuable lesson.

Poindexter (Tran) celebrates with Bei-Robut:

The cinematography is mind-blowing, especially considering the movie was filmed using a 2 megapixel Canon PowerShot S300 manufactured in the year 2000 that was purchased by the filming crew for $20. The stunning special effects make it impossible to tell when the shooters actually make the shots and when state-of-the-art TV tricks are at play.

In the movie, the robot and nerd duo, in an extremely unpredictable plot twist, goes on to defeat its opponents, and the heartwarming final scene shows the villains exiting in shame while the heroes celebrate a well-deserved victory. Clever social commentary abounds as the movie explores major timely issues such as the negative stereotyping of robots' performance in drinking games and the heated debate on whether nerds should just stop it with that annoying nasal voice and stupid Warcraft obsession and just stop, like, being so weird and stuff.

The soundtrack, consisting of the song "Mr. Roboto" by Styx, goes so well with the movie that it appears as if the song was designed just for this film, much like Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album and "The Wizard of Oz," except about ten times better. This particular feature brought many audience members to tears when I saw this in the theaters, as they realized they would most likely never witness something so perfect and beautiful again (well maybe, if more words were ever added to the buffalo phenomenon). It also makes this movie ideal for watching on weed.

On top of all this, Bei-Robut, who is actually from Georgia and speaks in a heavy southern drawl, shows off his versatile voice talents by executing flawless a New England accent that would put Ted Kennedy to shame.

Obnoxious Dudes (Damiano and Frank) disappointed by poor shooting. Random Korean Guy (himself) can't bear to watch the slaughter and seeks comfort in his computer:

Do not bother watching another movie for the next ten years. This masterpiece will make all other movies out there look like "From Justin to Kelly" in comparison.

The LHC might not kill us after all!

Good news! After crunching the numbers again, it ends up that the probability of us all being killed by the Large Hadron Collider is less than I originally thought! There are a few more very possible scenarios that you need to be aware of:

1) The It's It Scenario
The LHC creates a wormhole, through which beings from the future send back a new and improved It's It bar. It is found to be extremely delicious.

2) The Buffalet Scenario
Similar to the strangelet (strange matter) scenario, except in this case a particle is produced that has crazy quantum properties that allow for the possibility of a non-run-on sentence consisting of only the word "buffalo" 50 times in a row. This "buffalet" particle starts a chain reaction that converts all particles in the solar system to buffalet particles. The buffalo phenomenon becomes even more awe-inspiring and the world is a better place as a result.

3) The Stranger Scenario
Also similar to the strangelet scenario. Basically what happens is that the LHC produces something amazing that unlocks the secret to the universe. The physicist running the machine at the time is so excited about this finding that he bursts into a nearby office unannounced...and walks in on his colleague giving himself the stranger. This moment is so awkward that it causes a wave of awkwardness that sweeps across the planet. We don't die, but things are extremely awkward for the next 100 years or so until the awkwardness evaporates.

4) The Bad False Vacuum Scenario
Ok, this one sort of blows. Some scientists think that we may be living in a "false vacuum" and that a "true vacuum" with lower potential energy exists. The energy of the collisions produced by this particle collider may be enough to overcome the barrier needed to knock us into the "true vacuum" state. A bubble of this new vacuum state expands through the universe at near-light speed, killing everything in its path, including all of us and all other lifeforms in the universe, except maybe cockroaches. Whoops. Sorry, aliens - our bad.

5) The Good False Vacuum Scenario
A bubble of superior vacuum cleaners (probably the Oreck XL21 Titanium Series) sweeps through the entire universe, replacing all the crappy vacuums in its path. Aliens from far-away galaxies thank us for making their floors cleaner than they ever imagined possible.

So if you're keeping score at home, the odds of us all being killed by this thing are now estimated to be only 6 out of 11, or about 54.5%. Still not great, but the fact remains that doing these experiments is inevitable because it is natural human instinct to want to smash stuff into each other and see what happens (hey, that's how you were born!). My advice to you is to not sweat the small stuff, like whether or not you're about to be painfully spaghettified by a black hole or blown to pieces by an expanding vacuum bubble of doom. There are a lot more important things to worry about, such as the relationship status of these two "celebrities" that nobody has ever heard of. Party on, Wayne.

*Thanks to Jon Frank for the original ideas for scenarios #1 and 3.