Revised presidential projection

Oops. Looks like we were a bit premature in calling Bob Barr the next U.S. President. Apparently it seems that U.S. Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) has won the election. In an extremely close race, Obama has defeated Barr in the popular vote, 52.4% to 0.4%, as well as in the electoral vote, 364 to 0.

U.S. President-elect Barack Obama
(who we now project will narrowly defeat Bob Barr)

The key outcome of this election is a shift in power from George W. Bush of the Dumb Redneck Party to Barack Obama of the Radical Communist Hippie Party. Bob Barr, the candidate supported by the Good Presidents Party, will apparently have to wait until 2012 to run again.

What exactly happened to cause this unexpected outcome, you may ask? One word: COMPLACENCY. Going into election, most polls predicted that Bob Barr would garner (the verb, not Jennifer) between 85% and 90% of the national popular vote. However, when people actually went to the polls, a strange thing that historians may someday refer to as "The Barr Effect" took place: Everyone assumed that everyone else was going to vote for Bob Barr, so they tried to get cute. At this point, approximately 99% of voters thought one of the following thoughts: "My vote doesn't matter anyway, so wouldn't it be awesome if I voted for that guy whose middle name is Hussein who supposedly pals around with terrorists?" or "Dude, everyone else is already voting for Barr, but it would be pretty sweet if I voted for that old geezer who called his wife a trollop that one time." or "Screw it, all of these candidates suck. I'm just going to write-in Ronald McDonald again."

And at this fateful moment, a tragedy of the commons like never before unfolded.

The rest is history.

"Buffalo This" salutes President Barack Obama. Better luck next time, Bob.

Battle of the VP candidates (a.k.a. a new low)

The truth about America is that the President doesn't really do anything. It's the Vice President that really matters. Look at the current administration. George W. Bush just hangs out at his ranch in Crawford, Texas and tries to make up words by switching letters around and adding suffixes, saying things like, "'mer'ca needs to stop the nucularification of Iran." Dick Cheney, on the other hand, takes care of all the important executive business, such as crafting evil schemes and shooting people in the face.

So Obama and McCain are duking it out for President. Whoop dee doo! Let's talk about what really matters: who we should pick for VP. To make the choice easier, I'm going to break down the pros and cons of the two candidates for you. Best of 10 wins!

Just to warn you, I intentionally tried to make the jokes in this post as stupid as possible, and since my jokes are already pretty stupid when I don't even intend them to be, what you're about to read will make Pauly Shore's "In the Army Now" look like a genius comedic masterpiece. Here we go...

Palin really came out of nowhere. Who is she? I have a feeling we might be "Sarah" (sorry) if we pick someone who has no clue how things go down in DC. Biden 1, Palin 0.

Biden is 65 years old. He's borderline senile! Old people are scientifically proven to be extremely boring. All they ever do is play bingo and tell long-winded war stories to anyone who will pretend to listen. Just looking at the guy makes me need a cup of "Joe." Biden 1, Palin 1.

Sarah Palin has so little experience relative to Joe Biden. In that respect, she's really "Palin" in comparison. Biden 2, Palin 1.

On the other hand, Sarah will bring youth to the vice presidency, unlike Joe, who's been "Biden" his time for 65 years. Biden 2, Palin 2.

Track and Trig are activities Biden did in high school, not ridiculous names he gave his sons. Biden 3, Palin 2.

Palin is straight out of Juneau. Her daughter is straight out of "Juno." Biden 4, Palin 2.

Biden is straight out of Dover. That hits a little too close to home. What, you don't get it? You're not a Washington insider? I am. No big deal. What I'm referring to is Operation Dover, the Democrats' strategy in 2000 and 2004. "Dover" is short for "BenDOVER and take it up the tailpipe from the Republicans." I don't think the 'crats want to repeat that one in 2008. Biden 4, Palin 3.

Delaware? More like Dela-where the hell is that? Is that even a state? Her state is about 300 times as big - Alaskans eat pieces of shit like that for breakfast. Biden 4, Palin 4.

Alaskans eat pieces of shit for breakfast? Do we really want someone like that in the White House? Biden 5, Palin 4.

Last but not least, the "would you hit it?" test. No contest, right Regis? I think we're going to have to go with the former Miss Wasilla and potential future VPILF on this one. Biden 5, Palin 5.


Well look at that...it's a tie. I'll bet you never saw that coming. I guess that means it's up to you to decide who your next Vice President will be. This country is unfortunately not a Buffalocracy - all 300 million of you get a vote, not just the wise, all-knowing sage who writes "Buffalo This." Make sure to pick someone though instead of just writing in "Mickey Mouse" again. Seriously, that's getting old. Stop it.

And there you have it - the most moronic commentary you're going to read this entire election season, narrowly beating Ann Coulter's previous record and setting new highs for stupidity, triteness, and corniness.  I sincerely apologize for shaving 10 points off your IQ.