I'll be in Vermont - Buffalo you later!

Well, looks like I'm headed back up north and won't be posting for a few days.  Settle down, they're not throwing me in the slammer again - I'm going to Vermont for the weekend for a cousin's wedding.  What is this "Vermont" you speak of, you may ask?  Well let me pull out my best Craig David impersonation and fill you in.

Vermont is more than just a cold, hippie-filled state shrouded in a permanent cloud of weed smoke.  If you look on the map, it's the one that looks like an upside-down New Hampshire, right next to the rightside-up New Hampshire.  Vermont is an extremely diverse state whose largest ethnic groups, in order, are French-Americans (23%), English-Americans (18%), Irish-Americans (16%), German-Americans (9%), American-Americans (8%), Italian-Americans (6%), and Scottish-Americans (5%).  The state's largest city, Burlington, is also home to small refugee communities from Africa, Asia, and Eastern Europe, who moved there after being informed by Tom Petty that they don't have to live like refugees.  Vermont is most famous as the birthplace of great Mormon leaders Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, and the setting for the classic film "Super Troopers."

Here are some notable facts about the "great" state of Vermont (notice the quotation marks around "great"):

State beverage: Schlitz, 6 of 'em at a time (source: "Super Troopers")

State pastime: 1) syrup-chugging, 2) "cat game" (source: "Super Troopers")

State bestiality fetishes: tie between bears and chickens (source: "Super Troopers")

State movie: "Super Troopers"

State food: Ben & Jerry's ice cream (source: common knowledge)

State mineral: talc (source: Wikipedia)

State plant: marijuana (source: common knowledge)

State bird: hermit thrush (source: Wikipedia)

State musical artist: The Grateful Dead (come on, they're hippies)

Favorite blogs: 1) "Stuff White People Like" (see ethnic breakdown above), 2) "The Marijuana News Blog" (see state plant) 3) "Buffalo This" (this one always seems to make the list)

I'll see you on Monday, or if I don't, I was probably sucked into the dreaded black hole of hippiedom..........or a black hole created by the Large Hadron Collider.

The LHC: Famous last words

All right.  We've established that there's a decent chance that the Large Hadron Collider is going to destroy our planet in these four posts:

• Bummed about the LHC? Try some THC.


• The LHC might not kill us after all!


• Sucker bet


• Particle colliders give me a "large hadron"

So, in the not too unlikely possibility that the human race is about to be permanently obliterated from the universe, are there any last words that we want to say before we go?  There damn well should be.  Before we begin the collisions, I suggest we send a message to the cosmos saying something like:

We're about to conduct a physics experiment that (brief description of what the LHC does).  It might kill us, so if you don't hear from us again, then that's probably what happened.  Peace out, homies - catch you on the flipside!

This message will serve as a warning to alien civilizations that are debating and blogging about whether they should run their own LHCs.  Why should we care whether aliens live or die?  Because we should care about the welfare of all living things, you selfish prick.  We're not so different, us and them.  Sure, they might want to kill us - I mean in pretty much every movie involving aliens, that's what they're trying to do.  We may want revenge for what they tried to do to Will Smith and company in "Independence Day."  But we really can't blame them, because the truth is that we also want to kill us (why else would we build the LHC?).  On top of this, we and the aliens do have common enemies, such as entropy, black holes, and France.  Entropy in particular is a real bitch that is strongly abhorred by all lifeforms.  F@%# YOU, ENTROPY!

Now you may be thinking, "Wait a minute, hotshot.  Sending such a message to aliens might reveal not only that we exist, but also where we are in space and the fact that our technology is pretty unsophisticated.  Aren't we basically inviting them to bring their ships over and blast us to kingdom come?"  Well yes and no.  By that I mean yes, but they might choose not to come and kill us because a) it would be a waste of their time, and b) they appreciate the thoughtful gesture.  Besides, we've already been sending "come and kill us" messages to outer space for a long time.  For example, the Arecibo Message of 1974 (see left) was basically a bunch of dots that translated to something like, "Hey guys.  This is the human race from planet Earth speaking.  Feel free to come over and cornhole us whenever you get a chance.  Here's some other information that will make killing us easier for you, like our size, our chemical makeup, and our location.  See ya!"

Now let's say we smash some stuff in the LHC, and lo and behold, we notice that a black hole has begun eating away at the center of the planet en route to killing every living human being, dog, cat, octopus, praying mantis, bonsai tree, Venus flytrap, mushroom, ale yeast, dinoflagellate, amoeba, virus, you name it.  At this point it is absolutely crucial that we alert anyone who might be listening of our impending fate.  At this point we need to send something that can really catch someone's attention, like a catchy tune.  My recommendation is Grandmaster Flash & Melle Mel's "White lines (Don't don't do it)."  This incredibly persuasive little jingle describes in detail the great high you can get from cocaine and then tells you "d-d-d-d-don't d-d-don't do it!"  The moral of this song is fairly tough to figure out, but what I took away from it was that snorting coke will give you a terrible stuttering problem.

So in case you were wondering why I'm not a coke addict, there's your answer.

If that doesn't stop ET from building its own black hole machine, I don't know what will.  Of course, when we send this message out to the cosmos, we must make sure to remember to substitute "Large Hadron Collider" for all cocaine references.  Otherwise, the aliens are seriously going to wonder what kind of weird civilization thought it was that important to broadcast anti-drug messages to everyone in a 500 light year radius.

Battle of the VP candidates (a.k.a. a new low)

The truth about America is that the President doesn't really do anything. It's the Vice President that really matters. Look at the current administration. George W. Bush just hangs out at his ranch in Crawford, Texas and tries to make up words by switching letters around and adding suffixes, saying things like, "'mer'ca needs to stop the nucularification of Iran." Dick Cheney, on the other hand, takes care of all the important executive business, such as crafting evil schemes and shooting people in the face.

So Obama and McCain are duking it out for President. Whoop dee doo! Let's talk about what really matters: who we should pick for VP. To make the choice easier, I'm going to break down the pros and cons of the two candidates for you. Best of 10 wins!

Just to warn you, I intentionally tried to make the jokes in this post as stupid as possible, and since my jokes are already pretty stupid when I don't even intend them to be, what you're about to read will make Pauly Shore's "In the Army Now" look like a genius comedic masterpiece. Here we go...

Palin really came out of nowhere. Who is she? I have a feeling we might be "Sarah" (sorry) if we pick someone who has no clue how things go down in DC. Biden 1, Palin 0.

Biden is 65 years old. He's borderline senile! Old people are scientifically proven to be extremely boring. All they ever do is play bingo and tell long-winded war stories to anyone who will pretend to listen. Just looking at the guy makes me need a cup of "Joe." Biden 1, Palin 1.

Sarah Palin has so little experience relative to Joe Biden. In that respect, she's really "Palin" in comparison. Biden 2, Palin 1.

On the other hand, Sarah will bring youth to the vice presidency, unlike Joe, who's been "Biden" his time for 65 years. Biden 2, Palin 2.

Track and Trig are activities Biden did in high school, not ridiculous names he gave his sons. Biden 3, Palin 2.

Palin is straight out of Juneau. Her daughter is straight out of "Juno." Biden 4, Palin 2.

Biden is straight out of Dover. That hits a little too close to home. What, you don't get it? You're not a Washington insider? I am. No big deal. What I'm referring to is Operation Dover, the Democrats' strategy in 2000 and 2004. "Dover" is short for "BenDOVER and take it up the tailpipe from the Republicans." I don't think the 'crats want to repeat that one in 2008. Biden 4, Palin 3.

Delaware? More like Dela-where the hell is that? Is that even a state? Her state is about 300 times as big - Alaskans eat pieces of shit like that for breakfast. Biden 4, Palin 4.

Alaskans eat pieces of shit for breakfast? Do we really want someone like that in the White House? Biden 5, Palin 4.

Last but not least, the "would you hit it?" test. No contest, right Regis? I think we're going to have to go with the former Miss Wasilla and potential future VPILF on this one. Biden 5, Palin 5.


Well look at that...it's a tie. I'll bet you never saw that coming. I guess that means it's up to you to decide who your next Vice President will be. This country is unfortunately not a Buffalocracy - all 300 million of you get a vote, not just the wise, all-knowing sage who writes "Buffalo This." Make sure to pick someone though instead of just writing in "Mickey Mouse" again. Seriously, that's getting old. Stop it.

And there you have it - the most moronic commentary you're going to read this entire election season, narrowly beating Ann Coulter's previous record and setting new highs for stupidity, triteness, and corniness.  I sincerely apologize for shaving 10 points off your IQ.

Naming your young'uns

So you just popped out a young'un, did you (or if you're male, caused a young'un to pop out)? First, make sure the child is yours - yes, even if you're a woman and just gave birth to it. Trust me, people can do some crazy things with stem cells and test tubes and such nowadays, and there is a substantial possibility that you may be the victim of some kind of sinister prank. If the child is not yours, give it to the poor sucker you think it belongs to. Just guess if you have to. There is a one in 3 billion chance you will pick one of the right two people. Hey, those are better odds than you have of winning that stupid Subway Scrabble game you keep collecting game pieces for!

In the unfortunate event that the screaming devil-spawned poop machine in front of you is in fact yours, you're probably wondering, "Now what the hell am I going to call this thing?" Now, I do not have any young'uns of my own. You're probably thinking, "Good! I hope you never do, for society's sake." Yes, I can read minds. Nevertheless, I am now going to give you 6 cardinal rules that you must always follow when naming your offspring.

Here we go...


1) Watch out for bad combinations of names or initials
If your last name is Evans, for example, you might think David Owen Umberto Carlos Henry Evans sounds like a good name for your son. Not so fast - those initials spell out D-O-U-C-H-E! This is a trap that many people fall into. Everyone knows that it's the initials that really matter. For this reason, being named Donald Ian Charles Kirkpatrick is worse than being named Dick, or even Dick Butkus.


2) Don't name it after a celebrity

It may sound like a good idea to name your child Hannah Montana or Jared Fogle now, but remember that many of today's "hot" celebrities are eventually going to be seen as corny or behind the times, or even worse, will turn out to be pedophiles. Be thankful your parents didn't name you Michael Jackson or Gary Glitter.


3) Pick a name that fits in well with your values
Do you enjoy drinking Three Floyds Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout? If so, chances are a person who has half the same genes as you will also be genetically predisposed toward enjoying this fine beverage. In this case, Dark Lord could be an excellent choice for a name for your son. He'll thank you for it later, especially if he ends up being the ruler of an evil empire somewhere.

4) Look at the thing and determine which name describes it best
Here is a handy guide for how you should name a child based on his/her physical or personality traits:

BOYS:
Is he is very earnest and to the point? Go with Frank.
Did he throw up within an hour of being born? Go with Ralph.
Does he look tired, like he could use a cup of coffee? Go with Joe (or Joseph).
Are you a mobster hoping he'll follow you in a life of crime? Go with Conner or Connor. Rob (Robert) may also work if theft is the crime of choice. Jack may be good too if we're talking about petty theft. If you think he's more likely to be the victim of a crime, on the other hand, go with Mark.

Did he excrete solid or liquid waste somewhere other than a toilet shortly after being born?  You must give him a constant reminder that the bathroom is the place for that kind of activity.  Call him John.
Is he short and chubby? Easy. Go with Stumpy.  If none of these really fit, I recommend Bobbert as a safe default choice.

GIRLS:
Does she look like she'd make a good lawyer? Go with Sue.
Was MadTV on the tube while she was being born? If so, go with Madison (Mad is on).
Do you want your daughter to rent out cars for a living? Go with Lisa (lease a), as in "Lisa brand new BMW 3-series for only $399 a month!" If you think she's more suited to "economy" cars than BMWs, however, you may want to call her Kia.
Are you already resigned to the fact that she's going to end up as a stripper just like her mother...and father? Stop living in denial and just go with Candi.
If none of these seem to work, definitely go with LaQuisha.


5) Think about how someone with such a name will be perceived in society
If you pick a name like Dexter or Mervin, let's face it, the kid is going to get beat up a lot in middle school. There is no avoiding it. On the other hand, the Johnny Cash song "A Boy Named Sue" teaches us that a wimpy or just plain terrible name might help to toughen up a child, which will better prepare him/her to face the dangers of the future such as the Large Hadron Collider.  It's your call.

6) Don't be a racist

Just because you're of a certain nationality doesn't mean you should name all your children names that are popular in your home country. In fact, you shouldn't. In order to avoid being perceived as a racist, you should name your children a variety of names from different ethnicities. Did you name your first-born son Kyle? That's nice, but do not pick another English/American name again - that is, of course, unless you're a despicable, cold-hearted racist. If you have 9 more children, for example, you might call them José (Spanish/Hispanic), Lakshmi (Indian), Vladimir (Russian), Mbufu (African), Ahmed (Middle Eastern), Running Bear (Native American), Xing Li (Chinese), Juergen (German), and Aniqmiuq (Inuit).

Well, that should solve one problem.  Of course you are still stuck with a much bigger problem: the kid.  Don't worry, it will all be over in 18 years...that is unless he decides to stick around in your basement living in a pile of pizza boxes and video game cartridges until he's 40.  That's the breaks!

Word on the street #7: Imperative actions

Sometimes in life, you may want another person to perform a certain activity, such as sitting down or shutting up. In these instances, you may wonder how you can best inform them of this desire. In this case there are three things you need to consider:

1) Do I give a flying f*** about this person?
If not, offend away. Who cares what they think? Besides, being offensive is usually hilarious. That's the only reason people like Carlos Mencia have a job.
2) How quickly do I want this done?
If never would be a good time for you, go with #1 on the list. If right now is preferable, I suggest at least #5.
3) How bad of a mood am I in today?
If you are in a bad mood, it is highly therapeutic to take your anger out on other people. Did you just barely miss the bus home, making you wait 10 minutes for the next one and miss the first few minutes of "Wheel of Fortune?" Annoying occurrences like that usually give you free license to offend anyone you want for at least 24 hours.

Anyway, enough pussyfooting around...

10) _____ the f***___ before I (insert violent action here)!
Highly offensive, but undeniably effective. When you tell someone, "Eat the fucking veggies before I brutally murder your entire family!" you can bet that person will soon be shoveling that broccoli and carrots into his/her mouth like there's no tomorrow.

9) _____ the f*** ___, bitch!
The addition of "bitch" here adds an element of emphasis and condescension to your already powerful imperative. As you can imagine, an order of "Get the fuck out of my office, bitch!" is rather difficult to refuse.

8) _____ the f*** ___!
A bold one, as the dreaded f-word can strike fear into the strongest of men. For example, saying, "I made it to Candy Land first, now pay the f*** up!" is likely to get you allow you to collect your hard-earned board game winnings faster than, say, using #1 or 2 on this list.

7) _____ your ass ___!
A fairly strong command generally used when you would like to emphasize that some kind of movement needs to occur. For example, when playing with your child, you may choose to say something like, "Wah-wah! Stop crying, you little crybaby, and get your ass back on that tricycle!"

6) _____ the hell ___!
For example:
"Get the hell out of the lane so I can bowl!"
Rather bold. Shows your adversary who's the boss (NOTE: a nice, firm Danza slap will also accomplish this).

5) _____ ___.
Direct and to the point. No one can fault you for that...except me. Grow some balls, Nancy! At least throw an expletive in there or something.

4) Would you mind _____ing ___?
Polite, but in the event that the person does mind, it ain't getting done.
For example:
You: "Would you mind helping lift this 500 pound concrete block off my chest so I can breathe?"
Them: "Actually, yes I would mind. I'm jonesing for a McGriddle and only have 10 minutes to make it to McDonald's before they stop serving breakfast. Sorry. Good luck surviving, buddy."

3) Please _____ ___.
For the 63% of people in the world who don't give a rat's ass what you want them to do, "please" translates roughly as "don't." Thanks for coming, better luck next time.

2) Please _____ ___, if you would be so kind
Most people just aren't that kind.
For example:
You: "Hey, you in the biohazard suit! Please refrain from dumping your spent nuclear reactor fuel in our garbage can, if you would be so kind."
Them: "Sorry, unfortunately I'm a complete asshole, so it's not happening. Eat a dick."

1) Excuse me, is there any way you might be able to _____ ___, please? (Lame reason here). If not, no big deal. Thanks a lot.
A spineless coward's way of asking someone to do something. 99% of the time the person will refuse, and can you really blame them?
For example:
You: "Excuse me, is there any way you might be able to move your car, please? It's on my leg, which I believe is now broken. If not, no big deal. Thanks a lot."
Them: "Sure, no problem!" (backs up, then moves forward again so that car is once again crushing leg)
"There you go, chief! Have a good one!"

A tribute to "The BUFFALOg"

As you all know, I have a soft spot in my heart for the city of Buffalo...and the animal called "buffalo"...and buffalo wing sauce...and the act of buffaloing. As most of you probably also know, there is another well-respected and highly-trafficked blog about Buffalo called "The BUFFALOg," written by Craig Howard, a real unsung everyday hero and true man of the people.

The fact is that blogging is a tough business and you are bound to make some friends and enemies along the way. The Buffalo Master, after repeatedly refusing my brilliant contributions to the science of the buffalo phenomenon, has now earned himself a rightful spot on the "enemies" list. I am rarely hostile, however - when I first contact a fellow blogger, I will generally extend the olive branch, attempt to create a peaceful and mutually beneficial rapport, and of course shamelessly self-promote in their "comments" section.

Now Craig Howard and I are "brothas from anotha motha," which is something we say in the ghetto that means "similar people." Craig is a celebrity who blogs about Buffalo. I am a celebrity who blogs about Buffalo (and buffalo and buffalo and buffalo). Craig lives in Buffalo. I have been to Buffalo once, have watched the Buffalo Bills on TV a few times, and enjoy buffalo wings. We roll with the same crew, more or less.

I attempted to contact Craig a couple months ago about promoting each other's blogs. Craig's lack of response indicated to me that he found this proposal unsuitable. Maybe he didn't think I had it in me to keep posting quality content. Maybe he thought I spazzed out a little too much when I first realized what a gigantic celebrity this blog had made me. Maybe he just doesn't think I'm Buffalo enough.

So, to show my support for "The BUFFALOg" and all that it stands for, I have added it to my highly exclusive blogroll (on right side of page) and will now comment on a few of Craig's highly informative and thought-provoking posts:

Dishonesty For Ideology's Sake: I wholeheartedly agree with Craig on this one. Dickipedia is not to be trusted. Its article on the buffalo phenomenon is an embarrassing disgrace to humanity and is misleading to the point where it is corrupting the fragile minds of our nation's youth. Shame on them.

Meaningless Rankings: Now here's a great one. Craig presents an excellent rebuttal to some douchebag's claim that "Buffalo is the second poorest city in America." He concedes that it is in fact true that Buffalo has roughly the same number of poor people as Boston, a much larger city, making Buffalo about 30% "poor" and Boston only about 13% "poor." Then he says that the reason Buffalo is considered so poor is not because there are too many poor people there, but rather that there are not enough non-poor people there. So all you non-poor people: move to Buffalo now! The city needs you! Think of all the delicious wings you could be eating!

In case the non-poor people are too selfish to move to Buffalo to bring that number down, I have another solution: simply redraw the city limits to remove some of the poorer areas of Buffalo and include some of the richer outlying areas. Take this, for example:

Problem solved.

A Strange Tern Of Events (Sorry, I Couldn't Resist): This is a fascinating post that explores some important controversial topics while also making clever puns such as "tern" (the bird) instead of "turn." Quite the masterpiece. Let me just state on the record that I have no idea what a "petard" is, and I would have no clue what "schadenfreude" was either if a lady friend of mine hadn't dragged me to watch Avenue Q, which surprisingly wasn't not too unbad (I worded it that way because I'm a real man and would never admit that I actually enjoyed a musical theater production). So while the masterful use of vocabulary used in this post probably confuses 99% of Craig's audience, he brings up an important point: we might as well say "F*** it," because there will never be peace between the U.S. and Canada, and hell, none of us even want to go up and visit that country anyway. Freezing cold, rampant moose-humping, fries with gravy, and Celine Dion, all in one place? No thanks. Buffalo doesn't need any "Peace Bridge" - let the war rage on!

So there it is, Craig. Even though I currently set up shop in the Bay Area, rest assured that I BLEED BUFFALO BROWN!!! The history books will remember you and me as heroes from the same mold: tireless crusaders willing to sacrifice everything we have for the glory of Buffalo. The fact is that in this business you're either with someone or against them. Pick the right side here, buddy - if you don't do it for me, do it for Buffalo!